I apologize if I am scatterbrained. Very recently, I've began dating my best friend. As happy as we are, I hate to admit that at times I really do question our relationship and feel uncertain. I have no doubts about us, as we are really open in terms of communication but for some reason, I sometimes feel incompetent to him. He has such a bright future ahead of him and sometimes I feel unworthy of being his boyfriend. Don't get me wrong though - I don't think I have a low self-esteem. He brings lots of joy and happiness to me when we are together and I don't think I'm obsessed with him, but I don't think my behaviour and doubts are normal. I should probably mention that he's in the closet and is still questioning, though he constantly reassures that he cares deeply about me. We're also secretly dating - he doesn't want any 'evidence' of us for whatever reason. I'm not sure if this is a factor but I thought it might be good to know. He isn't ready to come out of the closet and I certainly don't want to pressure him to come out either, but I am afraid of being tossed aside for someone else 'better' than me, which has happened to me in the past by my ex a long time ago. Though when we spend time together, it doesn't seem to bother or phase him that he is dating another guy and I get his undivided attention always. However, he did mention once that he might have commitment issues - he said he was afraid of making the jump. We've had a couple of talks about us and like I said before, we're very open to each other and honest. I've given him my schpeel - I don't mind if he is bisexual, but I just want him to stay faithful to me. I don't think I'm the jealous type - if I see him talking to other girls (that are clearly interested in him), I don't freak out. I'm not sure if I am just overanalyzing everything and being a bit neurotic, but I'm not sure as to why I randomly feel incompetent and unsure about us. Most of the time, he brings out the best in me but there are times where I really worry about scaring him off or boring him. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt but sometimes it's difficult to stay positive all the time. I guess I need some reassurance - what do you guys think? Do you think I should stop being paranoid?
Hello, bucketheads, and no, you are not scatterbrained. Seeking help for yourself does not make you so. "I sometimes feel incompetent" - feelings of inadequacy or that of being unworthy, is how I see what you're going through, though you can correct me if I'm wrong on that. In any case, I've gone through that too. It's much easier to think that you lack that "something" in yourself when you have a good relationship with your partner, than not to think it at all. Why? Because: Having that one experience "a long time ago" is bringing up these negative feelings about yourself. You're starting to believe that this is normal for you. When you are having these doubts about yourself and your relationship with him, try to replace those negative thoughts with more positive ones. You are definitely not the same person as you were back then, you've gained more experiences, learnt new things. You've even taken that step forward for yourself to start this new relationship. A leap into what you thought was not possible. You stated that the ex left you for someone "better" than you... if your current partner had thoughts that you were not good enough, or needed someone "better", would he have stayed with you for as long as he has? You need to think more positively about yourself and who you are in the relationship. A positive change that starts with you.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I think it's natural for you to feel the way you're feeling. Especially if he's not willing to come out. That alone casts a cloud over the whole relationship. It diminishes it to a large degree, because it's not 'legitimate' enough for him to be open and honest about it with his friends and family. You're like a 'dirty little secret' in some respects. I'm not saying that he treats you like that or even suggests any of this. But it's implicit to some extent by not being open about it. We don't generally keep things a secret that we're proud of. So conversely - he's sending a message that he's not proud of you or your relationship. It isn't insurmountable, but it's understandable that you might feel the way you do.
Aeon Magus - thanks for your input! You're completely right. That relationship was years ago - I certainly have grown up a lot more since then. He is still in the process of coming out and my parents are really conservative. I tried coming out to them a couple of years ago but it was just a mess - that's a whole other story. I guess what I am trying to say is that our relationship is a secret so we can avoid all the 'drama' - our families simply are not ready for us just yet. But I appreciate your thoughts anyhow! Looking back at this post though, I really think I was in the moment. Lately, I haven't had any 'episodes'. But only time will tell...
