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Coming Out over a Holiday?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FJ Cruiser, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. FJ Cruiser

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    I'll just add to the chorus echoing how much this site has helped me, and thanks for all the support so far.

    Ever since I seriously came to terms with being gay a few months ago, I've been making a plan to come out to my parents. I'm a freshman in college, and I was hoping by this time to have a good circle of friends I was out to, continuing my straight-A's, and being much more outgoing than I ever was in high school. I wanted this more for myself, but I felt that if I could show my parents I was completely successful yet gay, then it would ease the news on them, show them that my homosexuality is neither a limitation nor a deficiency.

    Well, so much for plans...

    I'm not doing as well as I'd hoped on any of those fronts, particularly the friends situation. I've related my struggles to my parents, and it's clear I'm not thriving yet. Despite this, I feel like that time to tell them (and my roommates) is approaching.

    The next time I'll see my parents will be next week over Thanksgiving. I've been contemplating telling them, but I don't want to ruin their holiday, and I'm not sure I'm ready to come out anyway. Also, one of my suitemates wants to room with me next year, and I need to decide by Thanksgiving as well. I would room with him, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about rooming with a gay guy. He's a self-professed open-minded liberal (which from what I can tell, he is), but at the same time, he believes homosexuality is a sin, though not one worthy of any more judgement than any other sin.

    I'm struggling because on top of all this schoolwork I have to do, I have this decision weighing on me. I don't feel ready, but I'm wondering if I ever will. Like I've read on here before, there's never a good time to come out, so I'm wondering if I should just suck it up and do it or wait for a time where I am comfortable enough.
     
  2. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    1st semester is a hard time. your'e trying to find friends, you're trying to find yourself, your are trying to studying. its a lot to deal with. keep your head up, im' sure you're doing ok. also, trying to deal with sexuality stuff on top of all of this is hard. it sounds like you're ready to just get things out. you're already talking to your parents. maybe when you come home for the holiday you can tell them. maybe this will be a chance for you to start fresh in 2012 with a clear slate and less stuff weighing on you. what do you think about that?
     
  3. Doctor Faustus

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    You don't have to come out if you're not comfortable with it. You're legally an adult now; you have the right to make that choice for yourself. Don't tell your parents if you're not ready.

    I think when you get to college, you'll really grow as a person. You'll realise that life isn't like the closed, sheltered, often hateful environment there was at school. I'm in my second year of university right now, and I've come on a lot further I think in terms of being open with my sexuality than even, say, 18 months ago.

    If you do decide to tell your roommate, know what welfare/pastoral care systems are in place so if he is uncomfortable with the idea of sharing with you, something can be done about it discreetly. In any case, I'm sure you'll find plenty of new friends at college who will understand you and love you for who you are and respect you as a person.

    I know it's hard, but try to put your schoolwork first and not get too bogged down with emotional stuff. University can be a liberating place (being away from parents &c.) but if you let personal problems get too much in the way, it sure as hell can be stressful.

    Make sure you enjoy the first year. You'll regret it if you don't! :wink:

    Hope this helps. Feel free to write on my wall if you need further advice.

    Very best wishes,

    F.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    If you think coming out will 'ruin' their holiday, then it likely will. But if you think that coming out won't be (or at least shouldn't be) such a big deal, then it won't be. To a large extent it's all in the tone.

    And don't think that you're supposed to be 'better' than you are just to prove that being gay is OK. You are who you are, and you're also gay. You don't have anything that you need to prove. Remember that. First semester is hard for everyone. And it's even harder if you're carrying around this burden with you - being gay and not wanting people to know.

    If you want to be out because you think you'll be more comfortable and your life will be able to unfold as it needs to, then come out. Don't commit yourself to a living situation next year that could be even more uncomfortable. I'd say come out to this friend. You could even bake it into your response: "Hey - I think it would be great to be room mates next year. I just want to make sure that you're comfortable having a gay guy for a room mate before I commit."
     
  5. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest


    This. Just because you are gay doesn't mean that you must prove the world anything at all. Just worry about being yourself and the rest will follow :slight_smile:

    As for coming out during holiday, you are right in the fact that there's isn't such a thing as perfect timing. Not only that, but sometimes we can't wait to be completely ready to come out. Sometime we just NEED to despite the fact that we aren't 100% ready. I do get how it can feel that you will ruin things (I'm actually planning on coming out to my grandma during xmas), but, like Jim said, it all depends on how you say it. Besides, it might all just go awesome. You never know :slight_smile:

    The only advice I can give you is to try and give them hints of what's going to happen during thanksgiving. That way the big news won't be a complete shock. You can say things like "I'm glad I get to see you guys soon. I have something important I've been wanting to tell you" and they can start preparing themselves mentally for it.

    Its tough, but definitely go for it! Let us know how it goes! :slight_smile:
     
  6. Gravity

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    My two cents on each issue here:

    1) Come out to your parents. If you want to wait until after the actual day of Thanksgiving, like the Friday or Saturday after, that's fine. But my suspicion is that the stress of NOT coming out to your family is weighing more on you than you realize. You've staked a lot on your performance this semester (academic and otherwise), so small wonder that you're feeling the heat. Coming out, I would think, is part of attaining that holistic wellness that you describe wanting, not something you get to do as a bonus once you get there. You will have plenty of time to "prove" to your parents that you can be successful and gay once you get this off your chest.

    2) Just my opinion, but I would advise not living with your roommate next semester. Whether or not they view homosexuality as a sin worse than others, they still lump it in that category, and as you're in the process of coming out and becoming the outgoing, studious person you want to be, you'll need something more supportive than that in your home. Remain friends by all means if you want, but you should be able to go back to your apartment or wherever at the end of the day and not be a "sinner."

    Hope all of our ideas are helpful to you! Let us know how things play out if you can.
     
  7. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    if you come out over the holidays try waiting until the last couples of days before you have to leave. that way if there is any drama you can bounce soon.

    as far as the roomie, he seems opened minded. look, not everyone is going to agree with homosexuality and having someone that feels that it is no greater or worse a sin than anything else, is better than someone telling you they hate gays. it's up to you though. i mean the idea situation woudl be to room with someone gay or room with a straight guy that say "hey being gay is cool with me i could care less." but it's not like you can set up an interview pre-screening for a roommate.

    you have to come out when you're ready at school. if you think its going to be more stress to come out then hold off. but as far as the roomie, the way i would do it is like this:

    1. if i thought i was going to be coming out next semester or try and bring dudes back to the room or be open about being gay, i would tell the suitemate that you're not out and dont want anyone else to know but you're into guys (not attracted to him tho) but wanted to know how he felt about that before rooming together. if he is as liberal as he says he is, he wont care. but sometimes people say one thing and do another. plus if he is not gonna be ok with your brinign gay friends into his space, then i wouldnt move in with him. or if you feel like he will lokey gay bash or say stuff on the sly about gays, i would not move in with him.

    if you think you're going to stay in teh closet next semester, then i'd move in with him and maybe tell him later.

    personally it may be better for you to find a gay or more gay friendly kinda person that you feel ok being around to room with them that you can relate to (just becuase they're gay doesn't mean they'll be good roomies).
     
  8. FJ Cruiser

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    So I'm back at home for the first time in three months, and I talked to my brother a bit about things last night. He originally was very put off when I told him a few months ago, not anything judgmental or homophobic. He was just disappointed I guess and had some strange misconceptions based on his experience with the issue. (Apparently when he was in high school, it was trendy for all the popular guys in town to experiment with each other... Anyway, that's another story.)

    However, talking to him last night, he's really come around and has even told me he feels cooler having a gay younger brother.:grin: When I asked him about how he thinks our parents would deal, he told me that he thinks they already have a good idea (which I've suspected). He supported my theory that our dad would be a little disappointed, but not really care otherwise so long as I was happy. My mom is a bit of a wildcard, we don't know exactly how she'll react, but it shouldn't be too bad.

    So the countdown has started. There's no guarantee that it won't be aborted, but it's looking like either Friday or Saturday when I tell them. Then I'll be back at school for a couple more weeks to let them mull it over until I come back for winter break. Wish me luck...
     
  9. Doctor Faustus

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    GOOD LUCK MATE :slight_smile:

    Whatever happens, feel free to talk to me about it. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Daisy1

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    FJC-

    I have to echo everyone else and say that 1st semester freshman year is hard. You're doing about 2 million times better than I did. I managed to pick up anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder in my first 3 months, and I still had the best time ever in college (once I got over those things).

    With that said, I have two pieces of advice. First, don't put so much pressure on yourself to have an awesome group of friends just yet. Be yourself, and if you have a couple of guys you get along with, that's plenty for now. You have 4 years to make best friends, and you will. Organizations like fraternities, clubs, and teams can help as well.

    The other thing I've realized in the past few months is that coming out to people can really strengthen your relationship with them. If you have a friend who you think will be cool with it and will keep your secret, you might consider telling him/her. For me, confiding in people has shown them that I really trust them and want to be their friend.

    Sorta like this:

    [​IMG]

    I hope that helps.
     
  11. Aielar

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    All I can say is good luck on coming out to your parents :3 Sincerely hoping it goes well for you :slight_smile: As for the whole room mate idea, make sure that he's okay with living with you while knowing that you're gay, otherwise there's a chance it will turn out badly. In my situation, I did live with a person who made homophobic comments even though she said she has said she supports lgbtq, and let's just say I didn't feel so hot when the subject came up. I don't know if she is a supporter or hater, but nevertheless just make sure he is fully accepting before you commit.