Despite all I know or have learned, I keep doubting myself. That what one identifies as doesn't have to be rigid and inflexible, that you don't have to have experience in order to know what you are, that other people are equally confused when they're coming to grips with this and etc. etc. etc. Just the same, though, I keep going through a cycle where I feel more-or-less secure in how I feel then once I am I start second guessing and overanalyzing things. At this point, I think I'm more aroused by men than women [I'm not even sure I'm interested in sleeping with a woman] but I when I'm doubting I think, "that's just porn, would you even be able to go through with that in real life?" I've thought about having a boyfriend/partner/whatever and don't even have thoughts about a girlfriend/wife/whatever but I think I'm going to end up alone. I didn't/haven't had crushes on other guys and when I'm in public, I don't check them out but I'll notice cute girls. Perhaps it's a sort of 'hold over', maybe it will chance if I start re-engaging with people and am more open, to some extent. They seem to be a fairly minor points to cling to, I think I'm still having trouble trying to see myself as 'not straight' even if I don't feel ashamed of my same-sex inclinations. I'm not looking for answers, just venting, because I know the steps I need to take and am working towards doing so ASAP. So far, it has helped reading some of the past threads on here and knowing there are others who are or have been in similar positions. Perhaps I should focus my energies elsewhere for the time being in order to stop morbidly dwelling on this in particular.
PErhaps your feeling these odd feelings because you haven't been with a man yet. That sort of cements things that you weren't too sure about
I know the feeling of second-guessing and over-analyzing, and not just with respect to my sexual orientation. Trying to pinpoint where one stands on the sexual orientation/gender identity spectrum is almost like trying to identify an object while blindfolded, since they are manifestations of what's going on in our brains, which we aren't yet able to "read".
malachite - You're probably right. I just have a feeling that may be a long way off, but who knows? A month or so ago, I wouldn't have even thought of joining a place like EC to talk about this. Chouchou - That's true. It's almost like it's all a puzzle and I'm missing a few pieces, just enough to prevent me from perceiving the entire picture. [After which I proceed to have a, mental, tantrum which results in the puzzle being destroyed and needing to be reassembled . . . ]
I can't contribute anything useful besides agree with the others, but I hope it works out for you. Feel free to ask me for advice. Faustus.
Update: While I haven't been able to go downtown to the center yet, my mother mentioned yesterday that she hopes she'll be able to have her truck repaired soon. Meaning, for me, if this happens I'll be able to take the van while she's at work sooner rather than later, hopefully. But lately, I've been just doing my best to reflect on myself without trying to fall back into overanalysis and insecurity, with varying levels of success each day. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable thinking of myself as gay, but think I've still some difficulty trying to accept it. I want to be glad, proud I am but I cannot stop doubting my feelings completely [doubt seems to be a part of my nature. Heh.] All the same, I know I can't rush this, I just hope I'll know when I can accept myself, whatever I am.
