How do I know if I'm transgender?

I've seen a psychologist--in fact, I've seen several. The primary reason I see them is for my Asperger's Syndrome, although I talk to them about other issues such as my anxiety and my feelings about when someone tried to kill me. I've also talked to every psychologist about feeling male.

The first one tried to diagnose me as transgender, but my mom took me away from him becuase she said I wasn't. The next two were indifferent, but when I was talking to them I was dating an (abusive) person who was supposedly transgender, and I'm pretty sure they thought I was influenced by him/her, even though my male feelings started years before I had met this person. The psychologist I am currently seeing says she thinks this goes beyond Freudian "penis envy" and wants me to talk to her about it every week. Although I have a strong desire to have been born male, I'm wary of acting on these feelings too soon because I've seen firsthand the terrible things that can happen when someone who is not transgender starts taking hormones and living as the other sex.

I really want answers. Part of what makes this hard is that I'm talking to my psychologist about this secretly because my mom says that if I "pursue" my male feelings I can't live with her anymore and she won't let me see my brother anymore. She was more supportive before a certain event happened and she realized that the person I was dating was abusive. Before that event, I had a binder and cologne, but after she took those away. My psychologist says that it's legal for her to keep things secret from my mom and that because of my age it would be illegal for her to tell my mom anything I didn't want her to tell her.


For those of you who want to know, here's some background:

I never felt strongly female, but when I was younger I didn't have much of a concept of gender; I played with both male and female toys, and I had both male and female friends. I do remember that my mom told me that sometimes people go through puberty and turn into the other sex, and I wanted that to happen to me. I only remember one strong instance of me wanting to be male and not female; that was when my mom and I saw a woman who had taken testosterone to grow huge muscles. I thought it was really cool, and my mom told me that it was a male hormone, and I said something like, "That sounds awesome!" My mom gave me a scary look, so I quickly followed up with, "...buuut, that's a boy hormone, so I don't want it." I didn't talk to her about feeling male for a long time after that.

When I started puberty around nine, however, things started to change, and I grew more and more frustrated. I went into denial about having breasts and refused to wear a bra until my mom said that if I didn't wear a bra my breasts were more apparent. Even then, I wore bras that were as tight as possible so I could constrict my breasts; I remember I was still wearing training bras when I had size B breasts. In middle school, I told the other students about how I wanted to cut my breasts off. Middle school was also when I talked to my first psychologist and he tried to diagnose me as transgender. Everyone in my middle school called me a "he-she," and I liked it because it was better than being called female. I never tried to tell them to stop.

When my leg hair grew in, I refused to shave it. I thought it was awesome, and I got really mad when my mom forced me to shave it so I could look not hairy in shorts. I also didn't like to wear skirts and dresses, although I remember sometimes wearing makeup for dance shows when I was little.

As my sex drive increased, I realized that I had a strong urge to have a penis that I could insert it into another male or a female. Also around that time, I felt like I wanted to be able to pee standing up, and I wanted to have longer leg hair than I had because I wanted to feel manly. I like feeling manly, and I feel happy when my leg hair is longer than another man's leg hair. My mom says it's a childish characteristic (not in a bad way), like how a little child will want his car to be the fastest. Since puberty, I have always wanted to have a penis, and I frequently talk about my imaginary penis. I also want to have testicles, and I want to not have breasts. I want to have big muscles and a deep voice. I want to be able to be chivalrous to women instead of having men be chivalrous to me. I get frustrated when I try to masturbate because I feel like I have the wrong parts. I feel deeply offended when people expect me to wear dresses and makeup, and I feel inadequate when people try to treat me as a woman instead of a man (not that women are somehow inadequate).

How do I know if these feelings are true? How do I know if I am transgender?

 

Thanks. That helps.

The only thing that makes me especially doubtful is that when I'm on my period I sometimes feel like I enjoy having a female body (when I'm not insanely angry about having one or curled up in a fetal position from pain).
My psychologist says the same thing--that sometimes parents have trouble finding out their children are transgender. The funny thing is that I was never even in the closet as bisexual (mostly liking females), and she says that my sexuality is the least of her worries!

 

That makes a lot of sense, Nykoru. My mom is probably resistant because of the first reason. I doubt she would be resistant for religious reasons, though, because she's (mostly) okay with me being Pagan...

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I've never actually tried to remove my parts--partly because it's kind of hard to remove a vagina, and partly because I've been too afraid to let my mom and dad know about my feelings, and they would definitely find out if I came home one day with no breasts :dry:

I'm just so afraid because I don't want to end up like my ex. I know he was probably also a sociopath, but I stilll don't want to make any rash decisions. I'm even more afraid that my mom won't let me see my brother until he's eighteen (a really long time). I told her about a dream I had that she did that, and she said she would do that if I "pursued" getting a male body. I love that boy, and he sees me as another parent. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't see him. She may have a slightly different outlook by now; back then, it was shortly after what happened with my ex, and now it's almost a year later.

I will definitely not tell her about my conversations with my psychologist until I absolutely have to--which will hopefully not be for a long time.

 

Thanks. I have a counseling appointment in a few hours; I will talk to her more about it. I'm apprehensive because although I feel male a lot, my parents say I'm not male. I don't know if this is denial, confusion about how children with Asperger's Syndrome act, or an educated decision. I hope I can resove this without causing conflict or being taken away from my brother.

 

I am seventeen, I am in college, and my college pays for my therapy. I don't have a job, although people give me money for taking care of their pets and my brother. I use that money for textbooks and meals at college; otherwise, I just depend on my parents and stepparents. In my state, the age of medical responsibility is sixteen, so I would have to sign forms to allow my parents to know about what I'm talking about in therapy. When I do sign those forms, I still get to decide which parts I talk about can be told to my parents and which parts have to stay secret.

 

DhammaGamer, I can do this to an extent, but I can't go beyond talking it about it to my counselor because my mom pays for my health insurance and I would most likely have to go to an outside source if I got anything like hormones. I also forgot to mention that I live at home; I take the bus to my college which is in town, so they would notice if I did anything like hormones. My main fear is not about my parents not letting me or being mad at me; it's about my mom not allowing me to see my brother, who considers me another parent. I love him, and I don't want to be taken away from him.

RubiksCube:

YES!

YES!

Really far!

I have an update. My psychologist says she diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder after the conversation I had with her last week. I guess that confirms it. I wonder if my mom will respect my feelings more now that I have a diagnosis. Still, I won't count on it, since she took me away from the last psychologist who tried to diagnose me. I'm thinking of telling her, but probably not any time soon.

 

Thanks, everyone, for the support. :icon_bigg

Ianthe, my brother is four years old. I don't want to wait sixteen years before I see him again; I love him too much to leave him. Part of why I don't plan on living in dorms yet is because I want to be in the same house as my brother so I can help raise him like I am now. I had to spend most of last year away from him, and it was torture. I don't want to risk getting separated from him again. This is the real reason my mom has so much control over me.