help....being closeted

I've moved your thread over to the Support and Advice area where I think you'll get more feedback.

 

Short answer - Yeah mate being in the closet can (and does) impact your health and happiness in a serious way. From the way you write it seems you already know most of the bad consequences that comes from being in the closet - depression and exhaustion from living two different lives, social sequestration and isolation of the people in your life, and a general, but increasing, sense of apathy about a lot of things. However, it also seems to me that you already recognized how you want to go forward -- by coming out to them and being known as the 'gay guy' in the family.

How can we help you deal with coming out to them? Mate since most of us have been or are in this sort of situation we would love to give you a hug and help you through it in person. But, since it is just a forum we are here to listen and try to help with what advice we can give.

So here goes: My advice is to tell them. You are never going to know with absolute certainty how other people are going to react. You only know both deep down and superficially that being in the closet is straining your life. You also seem like you know that being gay is not a passing phase and that being in the closet won't magically make it go away. So - trust them. Tell them.

Also read a few stories from other people around here if you need some inspiration.

 

Skyfire's stolen most of my thunder already, but I wanted to let you know that I sympathise with your predicament, having grown up in a very traditional Chinese family where you're supposed to marry and have kids &c. My mum has accepted me for who I am, but we don't talk about it much. :S

Try keeping a diary. Put all your shit in there, somewhere safe and secret. When emotionally you're ready to deal with coming out, write a letter to your parents if you can't pluck up the courage to speak to them. Tell them how you feel. They raised you, and if they have any sense at all, will understand, have your best interests at heart, and want you to be most of all as happy as you can be.

I've put in a good thought for you. Hope it all works out. Feel free to write to me if you need any more help.

Best,

Doctor Faustus.

 

While I don't have any experience/advice on coming out to your family, I did want to mention that you may want to think about getting your mental health in order before you tell them.

It sounds like you're pretty depressed and I think you'll benefit from counselling and possibly medications to help you get through the depression.

I don't know where you live, but in a lot of parts this time of year it's hard to get enough sunlight. If you can manage it, try going outside for half an hour or so every day around lunchtime. Also exersize is very helpful in treating depression.

One other suggestion, try letting your friends know that you're having trouble with depression and finding yourself lacking interest in regular activities. You don't have to tell them that you haven't felt like 'dealing' with them, but if you're honest about your feelings, I think you may find them to be compassionate and understanding. They may even have ideas to help you through this time.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that when you do come out to your family they'll be accepting and supportive. (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC!

My general rule about "coming out" is that you need to come out to the most important person first - you. You seem like you may be on your way on that front, but it doesn't sound like you're quite there yet. Once you're fully out to yourself, you've completely accepted you as you. You may be concerned or worried about how people in your life might react, but you no longer put down walls or erect barriers to keep them out of your life. So perhaps that's something to keep working on.

Will you be "the gay one" when you come out? I can say this with all certainty - yes. Yes, you will be "the gay one". And that's something that gay people often fear - being defined completely and solely on the basis of their sexuality. But it tends not to be like that, really. It's just something that sets you apart from the rest, without becoming your defining characteristic.

Imagine a family reunion really quick. With all your happy successful family members all together for a family photo. Now say one of them (Uncle Lou) is really tall - 7 feet. A stranger looking at your family photo might dwell on Lou for a bit and think (or say) "Wow, he's pretty tall." And when you think of Lou, you probably think of his height at least in passing. But your "thoughts" on Lou presumably go beyond his height. You think of how good he is at telling a joke, or that time he helped you out with that school assignment, or whatever other memories you have of him. You might still think of him as "my tall uncle", but that's just a quick signifier - your mental image of him is more complete.

And that's probably true of me in family reunion pictures. My dad was one of seven children, and they were all quite fruitful and multiplied. So family reunion photos are rather large. And I'm sure many of my uncles and cousins, upon looking at that photo, think "And there's Lex - he's the gay one." But if they know me, their thoughts don't end there. They might remember that time we went on a weird photo expedition, or going waterskiing last summer, or meeting my partner at that fun restaurant. They won't forget that I'm gay, and it may be that they think of me as "the gay one" simply because there IS no other (known) gay one in that picture. But that doesn't mean it's become my one and only defining characteristic.

And here's the thing. Even if they do, I don't mind them thinking of me as "the gay one". Why? For one thing, because I AM the gay one. I AM gay. I AM attracted to guys. I'm cool with that. In fact, I think it kicks ass. Secondly, because I don't give much thought to what they're thinking. Let's pick Chase, a cousin I haven't really seen or heard from since the early 80s. Maybe all he knows about me (now) is that I'm gay. And maybe he thinks...oh, pick your favorite negative stereotype. That I have AIDS. That I'm really effeminate. That I wear a dog collar attached to a chain that's held by a tough guy named Butch. That I wear Speedos and dance on floats in gay pride parades. Pick whatever one you want.

Here's the thing. Maybe he DOES know I'm gay. Maybe he DOES think that. So? As I said, I don't even know him much. I haven't talked to him in decades. Should I track him down just to let him know "I'm not like that"? I honestly don't care what he thinks. I'm busy living my kick-ass life, and I don't feel the need to take time out from it to see if everybody is viewing me correctly. Those who know me in real life know what I'm all about. Those who don't? Don't care much about them.

Lex

 

I'm on the same boat as you. After speaking with my counselor about it, I came to the conclusion to come out Friday to mymom. My logic in this decision is as follows: Do I want to be depressed and keep my emotions to myself? Do I want to continue living a double life? Would that be fair to my partner, should I fond one? Will the outcome of come out to family be relief,...,disappointment? There were many more questions. The thing that pushed me was seeing how happy "out people" were. Me being Christian, is putting all my faith in that this decision would have positive outlook on all. God works through others. Maybe you coming out is a way to make your family more tolerant. And if you don't practice religion, your family will accept you over time. I haven't come across a story of a family resenting a child forever.

 

Others have already said most of what I was going to offer you in the way of advice, but I do have this: remember to do lots of self care and do what you enjoy doing so you don't get bogged down with potential negative possibilities. After coming out to people in my social life, I've felt tremendous relief that I don't have to hide myself in the closet anymore. Coming out of the closet may be something you want to delay until you fully accept yourself, as well. I think that way, if negative reactions do happen then you'll be better able to cope with it.

Hope everything works out for you, and if you wish to talk, feel free to post on my wall :3

 

stress can affect your health negatively. it can cause ulcers, high blood pressure and other issues. it can lead you to want to sedate yourself to deal with teh stress (alcohol, drugs). this can also be bad for you. being in the closet and distancing yourself and living a double life can lead to depression which is bad for you. so you see, ultimately, you are going to tear yourself down just so you can build others up. my advice is to take your time. get to feel comfortable with yourself. i too distanced myself from my friends. i just couldn't deal with them. the questions, the avoidance, the changing subjects, blah blah blah. just hanging out was stressful and it should have been a happy time. so i started cutting people off and self isolating. but then you are putting yourself in a corner and shutting off your life while everyone else is living theirs. my advice is to come out when you are ready. if you think you will be cut off, make sure you are independent of them and their resources before they cut you off and before you come out. look, if i had a kid and they were gay, i must say that honestly it would not be something that i would want for them (based on all the pain and hurt and stress it has caused me to get comfortable with this stuff) but i wouldn't disown them because of it. they would still have my love and anybody in your family that would eliminate you or freeze you out because of it, honestly isn't worth knowing or caring about anyway.