I'm having a difficult time sleeping or concentrating in school because I'm being reminded lately of a situation in high school where my ex-best friend with benefits outed me. She told everyone I was a jealous lesbian/bi-sexual freak basically but didn't tell them we were having sex for 3 to 4 months. I found some poems I wrote in high school and I thought sharing them on here might help me or something. I've never shared them before. I'm not sure why it's hitting me so hard right now. I think it's because of some stuff in the media, a sexuality class I'm taking, and hearing my gay friends' coming out stories. Most of their stories of coming out were on their own terms. I feel like I can't talk to them about my story because it's too painful for me to share. The poem below isn't good and doesn't rhyme but it talks about how I felt and how it hurt that she would tell people about me being crazy but not about our physical relationship. It's more like a rant. I'm over her but I still am ashamed by the physical aspects of what happened since it meant nothing to her. I was told (by her) that it wasn't sex and that girls couldn't take each other's virginity. I know that is wrong now. In class we talked about virginity and it bugged me because I feel gross for not being a virgin because of my ex-bff. Her outing me also made me not want to trust anyone. I spend a lot of my time behind a computer screen and try to avoid close relationships. I have vowed to never let anyone that close to me again. Being outed was one of the worst things ever for me because of the looks, losing friends, losing my reputation, lost self-esteem, and jabs at my sexuality (albeit in roundabout ways). Everybody knew even if they didn't all confront me. They heard her side of the story and not mine. Anyway...here goes. "Best friends then Enemies now Jealousy ended it, The friendship we once had. Jealousy that arose from love Love backed by physical lust. The kissing, Touching Things that couples do. Then you turned against me. Now here I am Hurt Alone Wondering why, why you turned.. I feel sinful And unworthy of all. I'm ashamed but then again I'm not.. Mostly confused. How could you do that with me? Then tell me I'm wrong for loving you. How could you say it didn't happen and that it wasn't sex? When it plays in my mind everyday. I can't forget it. I can't erase it. You tried to... You told everyone Of my love for you Of my jealousy over your boyfriend And of my sexuality You left out the sex You left out the rest And you tried to erase it all. But it won't work You can't escape it And neither can I. So deal with it, I am. I'm ashamed of this past, Torn Hurt Lost Because I can tell no one. But I admit (to myself) it happened, I know it did. You can't escape it, or throw away my pain so just accept it. Tell me it happened Talk to me, Something Anything Because I am so alone with the memories Of kissing, Touching. I'll never forget, or forgive myself. I know I'm unworthy of love." It's kind of dumb but I thought it might help to get it out. Sorry for the weirdness on this post..
Not everyone has a happy coming out story. That doesn't mean if yours wasn't, that you should hide it from everybody. Telling it simply shows your resilience. In essence, it says "Someone was a prick and outed me to everyone. But despite that, I carried on." So don't feel the need to hide it. Lex
Thanks Lexington, I might share my story with my gay friends someday. And then maybe I won't be ashamed to say the word lesbian in front of people, who knows.
Your story doesn't show you in a negative light in any way, shape or form. It portrays HER in a negative light, but then again, it sounds like she deserves to be shown as such. Lex
