The rocky road from denial to self acceptance

It’s exactly 3 months now since I came out for the first time at the age of 20 and a half and I can honestly say that it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve known that I’m gay since I was 16 and I started to wonder why I was different from when I was about 13. It was always there in the back of my mind and I tried to ignore it, I tried to pretend to myself that it wasn’t there or that it was just a phase.

When I got to the age of 18 and went away to university I started to worry more and more about it. Suddenly it wasn’t something that I could put at the back of my mind and think that I could deal with it later. I had to start dealing with it and coming to terms with it. I absolutely convinced myself that coming out would be terrible, that I would have no friends, that people would feel awkward around me, that my family wouldn’t love me. Looking back that seems ridiculous but I felt so alone and so isolated because I was so ashamed of myself and I felt so much hatred for myself and that was such a lonely place to be.

When I was 19 I absolutely convinced myself that I wasn’t gay, I was in complete denial. It didn’t last for very long but while it did it felt good. When I would wake up in the morning instead of think ‘urghh you’re still gay’ instead I would think, ‘no, I’m a normal heterosexual young woman’ and that felt great. The problem was that the only way I could keep that up was to avoid anything that reminded me of being gay or straight. Anything to do with gay people that I knew or couples holding hands in the street or marriages or people dancing together at parties would remind me and I tried to block them out of my mind. Needless to say this didn’t work and when I let go of this pretence I felt like the world had come crashing down around me. All I knew was that I was gay and I didn’t want it. There were times when I thought it would be easier to live in a country where it is illegal so I wouldn’t have to choose and I seriously started thinking about ending it all. Because I couldn’t talk to anyone about this I felt myself drift away from the people around me that I loved most. Every time my friends or family said something kind or did something nice for me I would always be thinking ‘what if they knew?’ ‘would they still love me?’ and this hurt so much so it was easier to just avoid them. So even though I was surrounded my people that loved me, I felt so alone.

But this is not supposed to be a sad story, I promise it worked out well in the end! The best thing I ever did was to finally summon the courage to talk to someone. I told a friend that I met at work. I knew that I had to sort this out and I knew that I had to start soon. I couldn’t say the words to tell her so I had to ask her to guess what was troubling me instead. It took her sometime to figure it out but eventually she did. And I can honestly say that that was my turning point, we talked for hours. I wasn’t happy with who I was then but slowly, very slowly that has improved. She got me to talk to some other people who were gay themselves and for the first time ever after hiding and pretending for at least 6 years I had finally got to talk to someone that completely understood what I was going through. And that was amazing although absolutely terrifying at the same time. So now I had a support network that I could talk to if I ever needed it and that’s what gave me the courage to tell my other friends. Every single one of them, even those that I was worried about telling most have said that they love me either way and that it makes no difference at all. The relief of that was fantastic, I can’t even begin to describe it. And then that gave me the confidence to tell my parents. I was never really worried too much about how they would react but it was still terrifying. They are still in shock, knowing that I’ve hidden this for so long is hard for them but they still love me and that’s what counts.

So in just 3 months I have gone from being utterly ashamed to the point where I can say ‘yes, I’m gay’ and I’m no longer ashamed, I’m happy because I’ve been honest with the people around me but best of all I’ve been honest with myself. So a word of advice to anyone that is thinking about coming out: 1. Only you will know when you’re ready. 2. You have GOT to find someone you can talk to, never try to cope with this alone. 3. It is terrifying but you’ll feel so much better afterwards. Then you’ll be able to start living! Good Luck!