my brother once again let me know that i have an attitude. i have always known this because i've had one for years, where i easily get annoyed and irritated with those around me usually when somebody upsets me. sometimes, i feel it's justified because some people just don't know when to chill out and let up with their rants and anger issues themselves. i'm already angry, upset and feel negatively about myself. when you have to deal with people that bring their negativity to you and i'm talking about coworkers, bosses, family members, friends and etc, it just makes me even feel worse. the messed up thing is when i call these people out on their shit, they have the nerve to say that it's my fault for the reason why they're mad even when the shit has NOTHING to do with me. i've actually tried to sought counseling for this some years back thinking that i probably had a mood disorder when that wasn't the case. you know, i thought that being able to confront issues like my sexuality, thinking more positive towards life and etc would make these issues go away. it turns out that this is not the case because something or somebody has to push that red button inside me that sets off the same feelings that have been haunting me for the past 13 years. sometimes i feel that the only way i'm going to get the hell out of this mess with people is either if i die, do something stupid where i have people scared of me where they'll think twice before fucking with me, or i move the hell out of this area full of negative ass people and dickheads. is there a way to being less angry and hostile towards life and becoming more emotionally stable? i've tried.
There's really no magic cure or "quick trick" that can suddenly have you processing your anger better. It's more of a holistic thing, that probably takes a lot of time and practice. I'll give some vague ideas and suggestions, knowing full well they won't fix things on their own. You may not even find them of any help (or interest), but glean what you can from them. "Don't wrestle with pigs. It just gets you as muddy as the pig, and the pig likes it." People like to argue, especially if they think that they're going to "win" (in their head). And a lot of the time, people engage other people in debate/arguments simply to do so. To "claim a victory" in their heads. They know full well that the odds of the other person saying "You know - I guess you're right" are extremely small. They just want to prove (to themselves) that the other person is too stupid to see the obvious point they have. Try to recognize maneuvers like this. If you can spot that somebody is simply trying to get a rise out of you, nothing will get on their nerves more than NOT getting a rise out of you. So start spotting moves like that, and act accordingly. "When two people are arguing - if one person is screaming, and the other is responding quietly and factually, it's the second person who nearly appears to the outside observer to be the one who has the more grounded position." Responding quietly and factually, even if somewhat forcefully, nearly always implies an inner strength. It suggests that you don't NEED to resort to name-calling or cranking the volume to get your point across. If you can pull it off, it gives you an air of confidence, and it (again) pisses the other guy off. "People are going to have, and even hold on to, wrong ideas and impressions." Everybody does. Even me. And maybe there's a way to convince me otherwise. But I'm human. I don't like the idea that maybe I'm wrong. So I'm more likely to try to discount your arguments (or even discount YOU, which would presumably discount your arguments) than actually consider that I'm wrong. There ARE ways to get someone to consider that maybe their point of view isn't correct, but that's usually a tough road to go down. (And a topic for another day.) "Much of the time, other people's opinions and impressions don't matter at all." There are times they DO matter, of course. I want that guy who is hiring to know that I'm a good worker, and I want to make sure he feels that way about me. But much of the time, it doesn't. As I said in another thread today, I might have relatives who only know me as "their gay cousin". And maybe because of that, they think I wear dresses, or whatever else. But honestly, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if they think that. It doesn't make it so. It may diminish me in their eyes, but I don't care about my standing in their eyes - I don't even know them. Choose your battles wisely - it may not be worth pulling out the righteous indignation. "You don't have to have all the answers." It's easy to get frustrated when somebody start tossing factoids or statistics or anything else at you that seems to "prove" their point of view. And maybe there are statistics or factoids or things that bolster YOUR point of view, and you just don't know them. That's fine. Take in their information with a "Really? I wasn't aware of that" (even if their "statistics" are 100% bullshit), and move on. "Rise above." This is probably the biggest key. Try to pull yourself out of the situation. Don't "take it personally". Imagine seeing yourself and this other person interacting like in a video game. When people play video games, even when they're slaying dragons, they're usually not on their feet screaming battle cries and waving their arms around. They're sitting calmly (but intently) in their chairs, tapping the A-X-B-Y codes over and over again. They're one-layer-removed from the battle. And if you can get yourself into that position, it helps immensely. Example. Someone calls you a name, or throws something irrelevant at you in an argument. Presumably, you'd respond in kind now. But now pretend you've risen above. You're watching it from a distance. This guy made THIS maneuver - the name-calling, the irrelevant argument. Why? What's his purpose in doing that right now? What was he trying to accomplish? What's the wise move when somebody does this? Instead of repeating the maneuver, what can you do that will neutralize the attack? As I said, this stuff takes a lot of time and practice. And it's not like I always succeed. I got into it on Facebook with some woman who was tossing around words like "cockfag" and "faggot boy" about somebody she didn't like. But after a few rounds, I realized I was pig-rasslin. She WANTED that reaction. She wanted to play "I'm edgy! I won't play PC!" And instead of fighting her, I switched tactics and just let her yell at nobody again. Which of course was precisely what she DIDN'T want. Lex
It's all about boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is one of life's most important skills, in fact, it's one of the five basic nurturing needs (Boundaries, Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual. B-SPIES for short). Setting good boundaries mean that when someone starts dumping on you and you can't handle it, you politely tell them, "I'm sorry, but right now I can't help you, and talking to you about this problem is just making me as worked up as you are." It means not getting invested in other people's problems. Boundaries are the key to anger management.
>>>it's one of the five basic nurturing needs (Boundaries, Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual. B-SPIES for short)... Isn't that six? (/completely off-topic and pointless aside) Lex
Well, you've gotta figure out the root of why you're constantly lashing out. You seem to be under a fair amount of stress, and even though you are actively confronting your sexuality, I'm sure life is frustrating as hell when you feel like you don't have the freedom to fully be yourself. Maybe you're not ready to fully come out yet, so separating yourself from the things that are causing you distress may be a viable solution.. or at least, a temporary one.
