Question before coming out too parents. Ok so I have been studying myself like crazy this week. And I came to the conclusion that there might be a possibility that I may still like girls. I definitively like guys still though. I am planning on coming out to my parents this weekend? My counselor said that I should pick between coming out as Gay or staying straight. Is it bad thing being bisexual? I don't want to come out as gay and find a girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. Same goes with a guy. Will coming out as Bi lessen the blow to parents? or will they be equally disappointed in me coming out as gay?
No, there's nothing wrong with being bisexual. However, if you're not entirely sure what you feel you identify as at the moment, I think it would be best to come out to your parents by saying that you're questioning your sexuality.
They are conservative and will tell me something like "Oh you are confused" And "You just need to get more involved then you will find a girl". I know I definitely like guys and they will tell me I don't. Edit: Here are some previous posts that might clarify my situation. "I'm about to come out to my parents(this Friday), and every scenario about me not being gay is flying through my head. Iv'e come along way of accepting myself, but at the moment approaches I am having second thoughts. I feel completely numb to the world and to my sexuality now, because I have paid so much attention to it. I talked to my ex girlfriend today and kinda still have feelings for her. I don't know what those feelings were about. Not sexual though. It's like night and day compared to last week. Last week I 100% accepted myself as Gay now this well it's like 60%. Is this common, right before coming out to parents?" "So I always knew I was different ever since I was in middle school, but I never knew what was different about me. When I was little this one girl had a MAJOR crush on me. she made her feelings know, I went over to her house occasionally, it was almost like we were dating. All my guy friends would always ask “why are you not going out with her, do you not like her?” After this happened, I came to the conclusion that I did not have feelings for her. I shrugged off incident until, mid middle school. I kinda liked this one girl, only because I wanted affection, because I was being relentlessly bullied. She agreed to go out. after a week or so, she said the same words the other girl said “you are different than any of my other boyfriends”. I did not get why at the time, I played soccer, went to church and participated in youth group at church. I did not know what could be wrong, until I fully hit puberty. I began to experiment, I kept on being in denial and saying that this was a phase and that it would end soon. But nothing changed until today. I still only watch gay porn and has a weird attraction to guys. my mom also caught me looking at guys when I was in middle school, she look of disappointment on her face about made me cry. i told her that I would stop. I tried for a week and caved in. She does not know that I caved in, she thinks that it was a phase that i overcame a long time ago. I just do not want to see that look on her face again, but then the notion of unconditional love comes into play. Anyways, I went to college and after being in denial in High School. went out with a girl in college for 6 months and still felt not sexual attraction toward her and same goes to this other girl I dated in college. I loved her, but not like a wife. I have became so worn out with all these emotions for guys and contemplating if i am gay. I like can’t even flirt with girls anymore because I guess something inside of me is telling me this isn’t who you are or maybe that it me. Can this still be a phase if ive been feeling the same way for years? Could I be exaggerating about everything? Could I have have something such as HOCD? I am really confused right now, because my counselor is really pushing me to come out, but how can I come out if i don't even know who I am? My counselor says “im fighting it”. And this is the most important question: Can you date/merry a girl who you have no sexual attraction to but still love her?"
Do you really need to tell your parents now? Maybe this is just not the right time. It would seem as though the important thing is for you to find yourself first and be comfortable with who you are before you come out to your parents. Yes, you can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them. I have been married for many years to a wonderful woman that I love very much. But if you are gay, like I am, there will always be something missing from your life. You may be happy but you will never be truly happy.
It's very common, when you're on the verge of coming out, to have last-minute questioning going on. In essence, it's the unconscious' last gasp at saying WAIT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY!!! So the question is, what is the real possibility you might like girls? Do you find them sexually arousing? Do you look at them and imagine yourself enjoying sex with them? Do you watch straight porn and look at the girls in it? Do you fantasize ever about girls when you masturbate? If you can answer "yes" to those questions, then it's very possible you're bisexual. But if, instead, you find yourself saying "Well, that girl's attractive" or "I could totally see myself having a great friendship with this girl, she's really nice" but not feeling any sexual attraction... then you're gay and just going through the last-minute fear that many people go through. And... from looking through what you wrote above, I think you've probably already answered that question for yourself. I do tend to agree with your therapist that you should probably come out as gay or wait. If you come out as "questioning" or "bisexual" (unless you really are one of those), you tend to prolong the agony for your parents because then they can cling to the hope that you'll still end up with a girl, and will tend to minimize your attraction toward guys. But my sense is, you probably know in your heart where you really stand. IF that's the case, then I see no problem with coming out gay to them. If you're not sure... maybe waiting isn't a bad idea.
You are married to a women? And you are gay? See, I don't understand that. Iv'e gone through 5 girlfriends and have been miserable with each one. How do you stay happy with a women and being gay? Why does coming out have to be this fucking hard? I'm sick and tired of being depressed and thinking about it. I can't go back now because iv'e became so fucking feminine. I guess that's because i'm more comfortable with myself. Sorry for my language, but I can't take my sexuality anymore. NOBODY in the gay community has answers for anything. All my counselor's told me is "How does that make you feel?" and the best part "What do you think?". It pisses me off when people are politically correct.
if your parents are not supportive of same sex relationships coming out bi will make them think you are confused and there's a good chance they can persuade you or shift you back to heterosexuality. this could be damaging to your since of self and self esteem if you are not grounded. saying you are gay to the world when you aren't sure, is not something that is recommended either. my advice is forget the labels. just tell mom and dad that you want to be honest that you're mosetly attracted to guys and that you have been keeping that a secret and dealing with it inside and you need to open up about it. you can tell them you are still somewhat attracted to girls to but right now you're exploring and just figuring yourself out and need their support but not pressure to pick or chooose one or the other since this is already a really challenging time for you but you love them and wanted to let them know because you need them in your corner either way. ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2011 at 11:25 PM ---------- i understand your frustration. i hate when people tell me that stuff. but tehre is truth to what thy are saying. you have to do what you feel best. they can't tell you what to do. there's no forumla for you to follow. its your life. also if you are masculine to begin with and now you are more feminine what made you start acting like that. gay does not have to equal effeminate. if you were really effeminate inside before and feel like you're more at ease about letting that come out, then that's another story but if you were masculine to begin with and you start to act and sound effeminate becuase you felt that is what gays do, then you need to reevaluate that. as far as your parents you know them better than anybody else. it sounds like you are over girls anyway and you're gay. so if you want to come out, just let them know that you're into guys and attracted to men and you have felt this way for a while and you're just letting them know and need their support and love even if they do not agree. tell them they do not have to agree but you still need them in your corner to love you. dont mention still liking girls unless they ask. if they ask just say that you've tried girls and all along you were more interested in guys. for many people bi means you're confused and they can push you back to one way. however, if you feel like you're bi, then that's cool but just know the parents will see it as a hope to push you back to straightness.
Your counselors are approaching things that way for a reason. They are helping *you* understand your thoughts and feelings. It's important in therapy that you do the work to find out what *you* want, otherwise, if they just tell you what to think (or even what they think) it's going to influence you, and the decision you come to may not be the best one for you. It has nothing to do with political correctness and everything to do with ensuring that the decisions you make, and the understandings you come to are yours, and are not influenced by what your therapist thinks. Therapy can be hard work, but the self-discovery that comes out of it is invaluable. And do you really think it's true that no one in the gay community has answers for anything? I can see why you're angry, but perhaps you're looking for simple answers to questions that can't be answered simply. And that's understandable, but not really possible. You're making the right decisions. They're tough ones, and they're challenging, but they're necessary. And it's completely normal to feel the way you feel as you come up against having these difficult conversations.
Dear unknown12, You have to understand that when I married my wife was during a time and in a place that it was completely unacceptable to be gay. There was a high probability that I would have been physically harmed. So I lived most of my life as a straight man. I happened to meet a woman that I thought was pretty cool. She liked to do all the things that I liked to do and was quite adventurous. We have been best friends for many years. Times have changed! I just came out to her six months ago and am now in the process of trying to figure out what is next in my life....much like where you are now. After reading your lasts couple of posts it seems quite clear that you do know who you are, but appear to be fighting it. That's OK because I fought it for forty years and I know how difficult it can be. These kind of things are never easy and no one can give you the answers, those have to come from within. Good luck and I wish you all the best. It will get better, it has for me.
