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Coming out to my best friend, need advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ttaayylloorr, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. ttaayylloorr

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    Well, I'll start this off by saying that I'm a sophomore in college, and I've only come out to two friends. My family is totally unaware that I'm gay (that's likely to remain the case until after med/professional school, assuming I make it that far, since they are extremely homophobic and would probably cut me off financially if they found out), and the two friends I have come out to so far are gay.
    Just for the sake of the story, I'll refer to my best friend as Brad and his girl friend as Karen. Brad and I have been friends since the first week of school. We're both biology major premedical pathway students, so we take all the same classes together and we've really gotten close over the past year and a half. Our relationship has been strictly platonic, and I don't want to change anything about it. He's been dating his girlfriend, Karen (who is also a good friend of mine) for a little over a year.

    ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2011 at 10:59 PM ----------

    Oops, I didn't mean to submit that... not sure how it happened. I'll edit it with my finished story asap!
     
    #1 ttaayylloorr, Nov 16, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2011
  2. ttaayylloorr

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    Well, I'll start this off by saying that I'm a sophomore at a small college, and I've only come out to two of my friends. My family is totally unaware that I'm gay (that's likely to remain the case until after med/professional school, since they are extremely homophobic/conservative/Methodist and would probably either cut me off financially or send me to some kind of religious counseling if they found out). The two friends I have come out to so far are gay, so of course they were extremely understanding and supportive. I have no regrets in confiding this in them, so that's prompted me to explore telling a few other people I know. With that said, I'm not sure that I'm ready to have everyone I know at school find out. The student body is only around 1000 students, so everyone at school would find out pretty quickly if I told someone with a big mouth. But most people here are pretty liberal and many are pro-gay so it wouldn't be the end of my world if it happened. However, I do want my close friends to know because I'm tired of the lies and the hiding I have to go through on a daily basis with my better friends.

    Sorry for the long background; let's move onto the problem at hand. Just for simplicity's sake, I'll refer to my best friend as Brad and his girl friend as Karen. Brad and I have been friends since the first week of school because of freshman orientation. We're both biology major premedical pathway students, so we take all the same classes together and we've really gotten close over the past year and a half. We're almost certainly rooming together next year, and we are in one another's company daily whether it's studying for a big test, hanging out, or working out. Our relationship has been strictly platonic, and I don't want to change anything about that. He's been dating his girlfriend, who he met here at school, (who is also a good friend of mine) for a little over a year. I'd like to come out to both Brad and Karen because I feel like it would just be a huge weight off my chest and perhaps improve our friendships if it goes over well- I feel distanced sometimes because of how I feel pressured to hide who I am.

    Our college gets out for Thanksgiving break next week, and Brad will be staying at my house for a good part of it because he's from out of town and has a job at a store nearby which won't let him take off work (what jerks). I'd like to come out to him sometime during this break while we aren't focused on school and finals are a safe distance away. I'm kind of worried about how he would react since there's obviously no way to know how he will take it without actually telling him. He has occasionally used "gay" as a derogatory term in the past, but actually muttered a quick "sorry" after doing so a couple of weeks ago. He knows I have several friends who are gay, so that could be why he apologized, or perhaps he already suspects I am not straight. So specifically, I'm here to ask about how I should go about doing this. Should I come out to Karen first and get her advice on how to approach Brad? How should I start the conversation? What are some specific things that I should say? I want him to understand that I still want to be his friend and that I don't view him as a sexual object out of respect for our friendship. I'd really appreciate and take to heart any advice/testimonial that anyone has to offer.
     
  3. Gravity

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    A few reactions, then advice:

    1) A lot of people are conditioned to use "gay" as a synonym for "stupid" or "gross" or whatever. I did when I was in high school, my sister did, and now I'm out and my sister's a super ally (she has a costume and everything lol). The fact that "Brad" is actually apologizing for using the term when you haven't even come out to him yet indicates he's probably in the same situation. He respects the fact that it hurts certain people and is trying not to use it. I say good sign.

    2) Coming out to your family would seem to be a bigger deal, maybe not one for now, but still - and regarding that, what evidence do you have that they'd react in the ways you suspect? My mom told me the same thing about my dad, and turns out he took it better than she did. In reality her fear was just her own homophobia talking. We all have it, and it speaks to us in different ways.

    As far as coming out to your friend - I think you've got some good ideas for the timing of it - as in not during finals, so he has a comfortable time before them to digest everything, which also gives him a chance to talk to you about it should he so desire (coming out just before not seeing someone for a long period can be risky). However, I wouldn't do it while he's staying at your house - this sort of "corners" him, and if he needs to take some time to himself to think about it, that will be hard to do. I'd recommend waiting until just after thanksgiving break - same time benefits, and he's not stuck at your house.
     
  4. ttaayylloorr

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    Hey, thanks for the quick and thoughtful reply, Gravity!

    On the subject of my family, I'm not against telling my brother (who is two years younger than me). He would be surprised, but I think he would be on my side. My parents, on the other hand, I know are strongly against same sex marriage. They have both, on many occasions, told me how wrong it is to be gay if the TV or whatever brings the subject up. They've just always assumed I have the same views as them in all regards, and would feel challenged or as if they've failed as parents in some dire way if they found out that I have liberal political tendencies, am an atheist, or that I'm attracted to other guys. For example, they had my brother meet with the church pastor weekly after he mentioned he doesn't believe in god until he just lied and said he had a change of heart. I'll tell them someday, but I don't want it to happen until I can support myself without their help because I could see them using money I need for school as a weapon to try and "change" me. I just can't see it going very well on any level.

    Concerning my friend, I really appreciate your advice. I think your right in that perhaps when he's more or less trapped at my house isn't a good time. He'll definitely need some distance to think for a while after I tell him. But as far as specifics, what are a few good ways to begin telling him? Just bringing it up out of the blue seems like less than a good way to do it. That worked well with my two openly gay friends. However, I think they kind of suspected it anyway because I've somewhat blatantly avoided asking a couple different girls out who like me, one of whom they were trying to get me to talk to.
     
  5. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    i do not advise telling over the break when he has to stay wiht you. if he is not comfortable he is trapped and that can make someone feel weird. personally i would just tell him when we were alone or hanging out (when there was noone else around). you can do it casually at lunch or dinner or when you guys are hanging one on one. "hey bro, we're great friends and i definitley want to still be cool. i really respect you as a friend and i wanna be upfront about something that i haven't told anyone or dont really want anyone else to know...i'm into guys. i'm not attracted to u or anything but i just wnated to tell yah so i didn't have to keep avoiding questions about girls. i hope we can still be cool and that nothing has changed. if not, i just ask that you keep this betweeen me and you. i'm not hitting on you or anything bro..ahahahhahah"

    then see how that goes. keep it short and dont get emotional. dont make it a big deal and he most likely wont.
     
  6. Gravity

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    Fair enough about your parents. It sounds like you're being pretty objective, so that's good, but it's still unfortunate. Try to stay open and understanding - who knows where things will go in the future? I'm happy to hear about your brother though. :slight_smile:

    As for talking to your friend(s) - I would start with whomever you're closest to (I'm assuming Brad?) and just bring it up as a topic of conversation. You know him better than I so you'll know how he'll be comfortable approaching something. It's easy to analyze a situation like this to death, but honestly the best thing is probably just to keep it low key ("Hey, I wanted to get this off my chest," "Hope it's not a bad thing for you," "You and Karen are really good friends and I just wanted to be honest with you," and so on).

    Just be ready to respect his reaction, whatever that may be - don't take it amiss if he needs time to think about it. Keep in mind that this has been stewing in your thoughts for some time, but may be news to him (then again, it may not be - you mention he may be suspecting, and he could surprise you).