To those who came out to spouses or other long-term partners

Hi Daisy. I never had a boyfriend or anything like that, but since no one's answered you, I thought I'd give my thoughts and maybe bump your thread to the top of the forum.

It's pretty common when you've planned to come out to someone to suddenly have a bunch of doubts at the last minute. Your mind is trying to come up with reasons why you don't really have to do this.

It definitely gets better with each subsequent time you come out. But everyone is different, and we all adjust at our own pace.

But I hope someone with some experience of being in a straight relationship while coming out can give you some insight.

 

Well I'm in the same boat as you. I get close, then I back out. I'm so sure of who I am and then as I start to build up the nerve I start to doubt again. It's a tough place to be for sure: constantly teetering on the edge. Part of you knows and part of you doesn't want to admit it. At least that's how it is with me. I'm with a wonderful woman and I find myself questioning if I come out to her and we break up will I ever find someone who will love me like this? Ultimately it's selfish. And the older I get, the longer I put it off and the more I build a life with this person the more cruel. I also find myself fantasizing "if only I could have this with a boy."

It would be hypocritical for my to tell you come out to him but if you're where I'm at (and I think you are) then what you want is a push in that direction.

Good luck.

Craig

 

I told my gf of 5 years about 6 months ago. To say the least its been a hilly 6 months. I really didn't know myself most of the time we were together, or at least subconsciously denied it. But, it was hard to convince her of that. I wavered a lot too. Especially AFTER, because I had really hurt her, and I felt for her, because I do love her, but I just don't think its quite the right way.

I had built up so much on, that it was starting to seem impossible. I'd sweat thinking about it with her. I just didn't want to her, I even seriously considered just staying with her. It was starting to wear on me though and she was noticing. So, one of the times she was asking whats wrong or w/e, I don't even remember how I started talking, I just know I skipped a couple heartbeats. and just forced myself to spit it out. 'I think I might be gay.' She paused for a second and then started crying. I'm not trying to dissuade you, but it was a very painful experience. I was fairly certain I was gay, sure, and it just hurt too much to lie if marriage or anything long term came up.

My mistake though, was immediately afterwards, I regretted it. I tried back stepping and I didn't hold my ground on it. After very much crying, we took a break. But, being her first love, she couldn't cut communication for a little bit, and being a nice guy and loving her, I did my best to comfort her, and tried not very successfully not to give false hope. I did and we ended up back together. She knew it wasn't right though, and thankfully she healed some then, and wanted to end it after awhile if I still 'thought' I was gay, and so we did and cut communication for a bit.

I talk to her some now, but we are still keeping our distance, for now, to avoid too much pain. It is getting better though, we are both healing, and I feel much better and open. I know I can now try for something I really want. It still hurts, but it had to be done. I didn't want to let it go, and in 10 years change my mind on it and really leave some wreckage. It isn't fair to her or me to do that. And it isn't fair to him or you either.

You know that right now nothing has changing, the status quot is the same, so you have time to think. If you are sure you are gay, and want to be with a women instead, then you need to tell him. The longer the time, the more pain that will come. Just make sure you stick to your guns after. Be sure to completely make him aware that you cannot change it, and nobody, especially him, had anything to do with it. Don't tell him you've sat on it for 6 years either if you have. You don't want him to feel used or lied to. It will get better, for both of you. You would do far more harm by continuing and breaking down later in life to leave him single and older, and you inexperienced and a late in life lesbian. PM if you need any more advice, and sorry for the ridiculous length.

 

I thought I'd share my experience...I ended a 4 year relationship with my boyfriend, whom I lived with around February 2011. My sexuality was something I questioned for a long time (I'm 23). Although, I had trouble accepting it, I never really thought I could actually be gay-- maybe bi, but I always thought I'd end up with a guy. That's just the way it was. But it never felt right with my boyfriend. I'd talk to him about it, he was my best friend, so naturally, I went to him with my confusion, several times opening up about it. He'd convince me I was just bi.

I had begun to accept the fact that I really was probably more gay then bi. Although, never in a million years could I have imagined breaking up with my boyfriend. I had spoken with friends about it, and decided it was best I waited until the end of summer to do it as we shared a lease and neither of us could afford to move since we were in school. But it kept building up--having that new self- awareness and no longer denying to myself who I was.

He eventually confronted me, wanting to know what was going on, frustrated with me. And I broke down and told him how I was feeling. I realized it wasn't fair to him or me to continue on pretending like nothing was wrong. I didn't want to spend my life with regret. My boyfriend was a great guy and my best friend, but I could imagine marrying him, having children with him. Despite him knowing that I'd questioned my sexuality throughout our relationship it was shocking. He begged me. He cried. He was hysterical. And at that moment, I more then anything wanted to take it back because, truely, I loved him and still do--just not in the right way. I cared for him, and it hurt me to hurt him. That night, I told him to just forget it, to go to sleep, and we went to bed.

The next day, I tried to pretend like nothing had happened. And he confronted me, finally, just wanting to know whether it was over or not. Basically I had said that, I've had this feeling for too long, that I had to end it. It was nothing he did, and there was nothing he could do to make me happy or to make the relationship work.

We continued to live together after that, I literally slept on the floor. At first it was okay, but obviously it was a tense living arrangement.

However, I cannot express to you how much relief I had felt. I hurt. And I was scared. And I had no idea how to be single.

Of course it takes time to heal. Focus on your friends. Surround yourself in good people. Keep yourself busy.

You mentioned that you were pretty sure you are gay, but your even wavering on that. But...imagine living your whole life with that nagging feeling, always wanting something you can't have...