Parents.

Refer to my previous threads if you have no idea what I'm dealing with:

My "problem" - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53664-help-medic-doctor.html
My first visit to the doctor - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53601-gemini.html


Well.

This morning I got up late - and stayed in bed for a while - because I really wasn't feeling too peachy. Last night I had some friends over (this was after I'd done all the chores I was given after my Doctor's appointment) - and we watched 28 Days Later.

It's a great film, I've seen it already - but they hadn't - so I was hoping we could just relax and enjoy the zombies. And they did. I however couldn't relax. I felt like I just couldn't relate to them anymore. Out of the three there, only one of them knows about my Trans thingy. But that wasn't the problem - I just couldn't seem to enjoy myself. I was on such a massive high when I walked out of the Doctor's office - but that evening I went all depressy again.

Anyway - this morning I woke up feeling depressy - lay in bed for a while - then my mum came in and drummed me out of bed - listing off all the chores she wanted me to do today.

Then after I'd walked my damn sisters dog (I hate the darn thing) - I said I was going to have a shower - and asked mum if she could sit down with me afterwards, and we could book my second appointment with the Doc, seeing as I wanted to get the earliest time possible.

My mum responded that no, we couldn't, and so I said: "Why? We need to do it as soon as possible." - the response was: "We can do it on Monday. And we need to talk some more about this before you go running off to make another appointment."

This was exactly what I was scared of.


My mum went on about: "You don't want to get sucked in as a psych patient." and there was some mention of "there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you..."

I just felt so pissed off - she was ignoring me again - and what's worse she was threatening to take away the only thing that's helped so far. So I just snapped and shouted that: "You NEVER listen! You just never understand - I NEED this, I can't do anything at the moment, I'm supposed to be sorting out my life." - somewhere in there she said "..you probably need to get a job." and I just stormed out of the laundry.

Ok I know. Not the smartest idea - I probably should have explained how important this is to me or something I don't know.

Anyway - I'm not in the fucking mood to do anything they want now.

Maybe If I'm just irritable and insolent all day they'll realise something really is fucking wrong and that stopping me from making that second appointment is the worst thing they could do.

Ugh I was meant to re-start my art again today. I don't fucking feel like it now.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 10:01 AM ----------

Ugh.

Assuming they do have this conversation with me about why I "need to see a Doctor", what the hell am I going to say?

It's not like I can go: "Yeah mum dad, I'm depressed, and if you don't believe me, well.....I just am."


I suppose I could say that I've been suicidal/self-harmy - but they're not going to believe that.

Damn it - and I thought everything would work out.


_

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 10:25 AM ----------

I just realised that I made a typo. I said "can we do it on monday?" and my mother replied "we need to talk some more about this."

Damn 15min editing period.

 

I need my mother because she still has to pay for the appointment.

The clinic we went to dosn't bulk-bill for medicare. Just about no-where seems to. Regardless of where you go - your going to have to pay something. And I don't have $110 for the double session I need.

No I don't have my ID papers - my parents said they didn't see the need for me to "take my healthcare into my own hands".

Yeah I will try and explain things to them today at some stage. I just don't want to **** see either of them right now. And to make matters worse - my dad isn't here - he's up at the farm with my sister. It's just my mum and I.

And no - I can't get a GP visit at that clinic that is entirely paid for by medicare. Nor can I seem to find anywhere else that will do it entirely via medicare.

I'm going to go and have breakfast and try to mow the lawn - if I can get this all out of my head I will - if not - I'll tell my mum I want to talk this evening - and then phone and ......well I was going to phone and make the appointment - but I just realised I can't do that - because I don't know if my parents will agree to pay for it.

I guess I'll contact the doctor then....and just explain things to her....assuming I can contact her directly.....her number isn't on the Clinic's website...

Ugh...

I would - as you said - act independantly - and just go and make an appointment - but I have NO MONEY >.<

I can't apply for medicare or the income card - because I have neither my Passport or my Birth Certificate.


My only option is to ring the Doc today - explain things to her - and then sit down with my mum and talk things out with her.

I want to just make the appointment - and then tell her I want her to take me to it. But If she refuses - I'll have no way to pay for the appointment.


FUCK MY LIFE..

Ugh...

I havn't spoken to my mum since I shouted at her, I'm going to try and have breakfast now. Hopefully she's left the kitchen.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 11:42 AM ----------

Thanks again for all your help Ianthe.

None of my friends are online again today. Fuckers. Just when I need their help.

 

Ugh I feel sick again...

Like I've eaten too much and I'm going to puke.

But all I've had is cereal and an egg between two peices of breakd - and it's 12:25PM.....

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 12:26 PM ----------

I havn't done the lawn yet - or spoken to my mother other than to say: "After I've done the mowing we need to sit down and chat.

I'm going to give the lawn a shot now.

 

Uhm...she'd never given them to me.

I asked her for them, and she wanted to know why I needed them. When I explained it was to get my medicare card, she was fine with it. But then later that evening when I was discussing the situation with my dad, I asked them both for my Passport/Certificate - explaining that I wanted to get my medicare card - and they agreed that they didn't really think I needed to take my healthcare into my own hands.

I didn't press the issue - mainly because they were allowing me to see the doctor.

I HAVE been trying to get a job. I've applied to several places, none of which have contacted me back.
To be honest - I'm sick of job hunting, I can't even concentrate on filling out an application form - this issue is just stuck in my head. That's how bad it is. I hate to sound like a whiney complainer - but I just can't get over this. I've tried searching for a job....and I guess I'll have to keep searching - but I need to resolve this problem or at least feel like I'm resolving it, it's stuck in my mind.

Ugh like I said...

I'm going to give the lawn a shot - then talking to my mother.

I'm sorry if I sound like a self-absorbed, complainng, paternal-dependant little whiner, but I just need to deal with this issue now. I can't concentrate on anything else. Job applications, Uni applications - all just seem worthless, and pointless. I KNOW they're not. But I just can't get myself to stay on track long enough to deal with them.

This problem is just eating me up.

I'm going to try and contact the doctor now.


I feel even more depressed and shitty than I did before I saw the doctor. I just can't get myself to do anything.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 12:55 PM ----------

Doctor's not back until Tuesday. Today is Saturday.


I can't wait that long I'll explode.
I'm not even sure I can get myself to do the lawn now.

I'll try - and then mum and I HAVE to talk.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 01:04 PM ----------

I can't do this lawn.

And I've just realised that - because the Doctor isn't back until Tuesday - not only can I not contact her to get her advice - but the next appointment I'll be able to have, won't be until Tues. I definatley can't wait that long.

FML

 

What will happen?

I guess what just did happen, I got sick of it all and started preparing to end my life, saved only by the fact I fell asleep on the floor of my room.

I only just woke up.

Now I don't feel like doing anything. Calling doctors or speaking to my mum.

Your right. These next few days are going to be shit.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 03:37 PM ----------

I will beat this thing...this situation.

I think.


but in the meantime life is just going to get crappier and crappier.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 03:38 PM ----------

God this is like the complete reversal of how I felt yesterday.

I can't even do things that I usually enjoy - read - play games - draw - nothing.

I'm just sitting here in front of my computer - staring at this thread.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 03:39 PM ----------

Don't worry I won't kill myself. This is pretty close to the worst I've ever felt - but every time I've tried to commit suicide before now - I stop myself. There's something that stops me hurting myself.

So don't worry I'll be fine.

 

*pats starofmiyu*

So is that what you mean by "waterbender" I was curious....

*hugs you*

It'll be alright, I can't imagine what your going through, or have been through, I'm not really a waterbender myself. More like....ok this anaolgy has fallen apart.

I don't know if I'm a t-girl or not *shrug* that's what I need the psychologist for.

But thanks for dropping into my thread - it's nice to see a new face.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 04:03 PM ----------

And I wouldn't say that this is as bad as everyone I love dying - because....I don't really love anyone. Not my parents.....my sister dislikes me....

So I guess this current situation would be on par to......

Being in the middle of a 200km radius swamp with only a toothbrush and a Armani Suit.

Oh and being drugged - so you didn't feel like doing anything, and ended up just kneeling in the mud.

Actually can I change swamp to WW1 battlefeild at the Somme? My mother is starting to firing argument-shells over my head.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 04:08 PM ----------

Just tried this for giggles.

Got giggles.




---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 04:20 PM ----------

Shit - transsexual remembrance day was yesterday wasn't it?

So I celebrated by seeing a doctor about my issue - and trying to enjoy an evening with friends.

T^T

 

Yeah I know.


Don't worry Ianthe.

I'm not going to kill myself. Really.


Besides. I'm fine just sitting here right now.

Thanks for all your help and concern though.

I'll have to find a way to make it up to you.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 04:30 PM ----------

Why won't I go to the emergency room? Because - even assuming I cycle over there - what the hell will I say to my parents?

They're VERY unlikely to be pleased with me for checking myself into an emergency room for an issue they don't even agree exists.

 

Ianthe:

It's on the other side of the city.

I could catch a train and walk.

But like I said I'm fine sitting here.


Don't assume I haven't been doing ANY research.

Besides I don't think I could stomach going and telling someone else about all my problems all over again.

Oh but thanks for being so concerned.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 04:37 PM ----------

Besides it's 4:38 now.

 

And I'd have to wait until next Wed anyway to drop-in.

---------- Post added 19th Nov 2011 at 04:42 PM ----------

Ianthe - I don't care about them emotionally.

I care if they get really pissed off at their son's apparent illogical behaivour - and confiscate my computer or something. You know. That thing I'm using to communicate with you right now?

Sorry to get narky.

I don't care about my parents welfare, or their concerns for me, or their hapiness - I care about how they may further impact on my life. Sad but true.

Besides I'd be lying if I said I could ONLY kill myself or go to the hospital.

Look at me now. I'm not dead - or at the hospital.


_

 

*sigh*

Ok Ianthe.

Monday it is.

Thanks again.

Now I need to find a way to occupy myself. *looks around the room*
Being depressed is boring T^T

 

*sssoooooo boorrreeedd*

What the hell does one do to entertain one-self when depressed. .-.

 

Right the plan at the momment - is to confront my mother after dinner.

Tell her how bad today was - how badly I need help - how close to suicide/self-harm I've come. How she threatening to take away the one thing that's helping, and how I will explain everything once I've come to grips with it. I'll tell her about the depression and stuff but nothing TG. I'll explain that I have a right to help if I need it - and that at the momment - I can't do anything until I sort this issue out.

I'll awnser any questions I can truthfully - and avoid any I don't feel ready to share. Hopefully that'll convince her, to book an appointment.

And if not - I'll got to the gender-centre on Monday.


I hope I can last through Sunday.