Earlier this year I left a straight relationship with my boyfriend after realizing I was gay. I think at this point I was really vulnerable and entered a relationship with a women that leaned towards being abusive. She was extremely controlling, possessive, emotionally/verbally abusive, and at times physically. I ended up leaving the city and moving back in with my parents in a very small town, while simultaneously ending that relationship. I started dating (using online dating). There are very few lesbians in my area, even if I'm willing to travel. I started talking to this one girl somewhat recently. Shes just awesome, I like everything about her, and we seem to get along very well. The only thing is, is that shes a very busy person, her schedule packed. We've gone on 4 dates, and had been texting/emailing extensively. She is soo sweet--I have never been treated so well by someone. At the same time, I have many hesitations. Her being so busy--it brings out my insecurity--is she still dating other people? I've stopped talking to other girls for her, taken down my account online. I end up spending my nights alone, while shes off doing all this awesome stuff. It makes me feel a bit like I'm not good enough. She also hasn't been texting me as much so I'm getting myself ready, and assuming shes not interested anymore. I'm constantly worrying that shes too good for me, and wonder why she would be interested in me. I feel like I should just move on and forget about her because...I dunno, just stop while I'm ahead type deal. I don't want to let this go any longer and for me to get hurt. On top of this, I and she both live with our parents. Her parent knows shes gay, and shes had girlfriends over. Whereas mine, don't. And its very hard for me to get any privacy. And it would be nice to be able to have some time in together, cook, cuddle, watch a movie--but with parents in the mix, that just sounds awkward. How is our relationship ever going to move beyond coffee and walks/ other misc dates while living with parents? I also don't have many friends here, so I feel like I'm just really alone, I have no one to talk to. Since my family doesn't know I'm gay...ah. I feel like I'm constantly hiding who I am. I feel like I am literally the only gay person in town, and its not really a good feeling. I've been hanging out with two female friends that I used to know occasionally, and they don't really get the gay thing. The first time I came out, the one basically said...I dont care, I just dont want to know about it. We hung out a second time, and I tried to bring up that I was dating, and she literally talked over me. And then the last time, I mentioned I was dating someone, and she laughed, and was like "your still on this? don't worry, you'll find a guy". I feel like I don't have any support here. Were girls, so our hangs outs tend to be a lot of chitchat, the one girl is nearing being married, while the other is single, dating, likes to go on about her sex life with men. I would like to be able to to share dating aspects of my life too... I guess I just don't have many friends in the area, and that sucks... I have high hopes for the girl I'm seeing but I'm scared, and insecure, and my self-esteem has taken a blow. On top of this, is that I have ALOT of time on my hands so I overthink everything, and I'm feeling really depressed. I feel like just giving up. (I am employed, but the job hasn't started yet, I'm undergoing training, thus, the free time) I guess maybe I'm looking for some encouragement or something, maybe I just need to vent. I dunno. Thanks for reading..
Have you considered trying to meet some gay friends? I think that would be a good idea. There are probably more lesbians in the area than you think, if you don't need them to be single or potential dates. You could also make friends with some gay men, for support. Have you looked up support for gay people in your area? What's your new job? Will you be able to make new friends? Even if you can't make friends with gay people, you can try to make friends with gay-friendly people. The best way to do this is to socialize and meet people, and be vocal about your support of gay rights while you do it. Maybe join a club or social group where the people are typically more liberal. But anyway, start trying to build a support structure for yourself. Even on the dating sites, consider that maybe you should be looking for friends as well as dates.
I dont think you should ever believe you are not good enough for someone because thats simply not true. It can be tough especially when you are living with your parents but perhaps if she is out to her parents sometimes soon you could meet around her house? Or what about when either of your parents go away. Its not ideal but im not sure if you should let her slip away for that reason if you really like her, I mean all relationships have difficult aspects. I agree with the above post that you should try and make some more gay friends or at least straight properly accepting friends that you can have those conversations with. I know you dont want to come across as clingy but did you ever have a conversation about being exclusive with this girl?
>>>How is our relationship ever going to move beyond coffee and walks/ other misc dates while living with parents? It won't, much. So it would be good to sort of aim towards getting your own place (or a place you share with other peers rather than your parents) as soon as you can. >>>I feel like I don't have any support here. You don't. You do sound less like you have friends, and more like you have "people you hang out with". Iif they try to shut you down, tell them "Listen - I have no trouble listening to you and talking to you about YOUR relationships and sex lives. If you're going to shut me down when I talk about mine, it's obvious we're not on equal footing here." And decide whether you're better off not hanging out with anybody than hanging out with them. >>>On top of this, is that I have ALOT of time on my hands so I overthink everything, and I'm feeling really depressed. Fill the time positively. You might look into some places you might volunteer in your area, for instance. Or go to the library and check out a bunch of books. Don't let your brain idle in neutral. And tell your girlfriend about your doubts. Not as insurmountable obstacles, but just something you're dealing with. She should understand. Lex
