Ok, so here's the deal. I'm so tired about questioning my sexuality. (im female, btw) So exhausted.. i just want to know who I am, is that so much to ask? I probably should start at the beginning... I guess it all started in 8th grade. Other kids would call me a lesbian, and i would deny it, but at the same time get pretty upset. (Did i know subcousiously that i was one) At this point, I had never had a crush on a girl or a guy (actually, i may have had a crush on a guy in fourth grade, but im not sure... i just looked for him everday, but there was no butterflies or anything) Anyway, at this time i had random hints: I had wierd urges to kiss a couple of my friends that i dismissed as reactions to the other girls messing with my head. Nothing else really happened after that (with guys or girls) and I entered my Freshman year. Before and after freshman year, I had always been utterly terrified to date guys. I originally thought it was because i was inexperienced and was afraid of embarrassing myself. Because of this fear, I always felt (and still feel, really) a strong aversion to dating guys. But in the beginning of that year I had a massive crush - butterflies and all - on this guy and ended up dating him. Needless to say, it ended two weeks later when we attempted to cheat on me. After that, i only had one other crush on a guy, but nothign came out of it. Sophmore year I didn't feel anything, but i was in a depression that year and didn't really notice anything but that. Now im in junior year and I've noticed an attraction to girls. I guess i've been questioning it for awhile, but i really started to consciously question it when i was watch a trailer for a movie. In it, two iranian girls were in love (its called circumstance if you want to look it up) and when they touched each other I felt like i wanted to do that too. Originally i thought it was just because movies tend to glorify everything... but then is started wondering if I was attracted to girls. In my search for my identity, i've search porn at bit. Girls turn me on, but seeing guys' penises disgusts me. It seems repulsive. But, then again, i've heard its like that for alot of straight girls. They don't actually like the look of it, but they like the idea of it, if that makes sense. On the other hand, girls seem beautiful. Perfect, even. The thing is, I'm not sure if i've had a crush on a girl before. See, i'd always be ridiculously happy to see one of my friends, but i thought that was just a friend type of affection. Now i'm not so sure. All of the sudden, i keep having fantasies not just of sex, but of growing old, getting married, ect to a woman. and i'm terrified that this is just strange teenage phase, that i'm wrong about everything... ugh i'm so lost. Well, thanks for reading. i know its pretty long. Please comment!
I feel like I'm in a similar situation at the moment, though I think I've far less experience with women than you do with men. For most of my life, I didn't really question my attractions. I found girls/women attractive, but never really thought about anyone in particular in a serious way yet would imagine having a girlfriend/wife/whatever in a general sense. However, I've always been somewhat distant from the people around me, which hasn't made things any easier [especially now that I've pretty much isolated myself from people] now that I am more interested in the idea of being with another man yet have no experience with men or women which could tell me whether I'm more comfortable identifying as bi or gay. The sexuality question isn't easy to answer at any point in your life once it actually springs up. If you've been unsure for as long as you say, I think it's safe to say that you're probably not straight and I think it would be best to start from that viewpoint. To accept that you're curious about other girls and begin testing the waters [in a safe and responsible way, of course.] See if there's anyone you can talk to about your questioning [a close friend that you trust, counselor, and/or a LGBT group in your school or community.] I'm by no means an expert on these matters, but I believe others would probably suggest the same. On top of that, make sure you don't worry or stress about it too much, because eventually you'll figure out who you are and what you feel comfortable identifying with.
First of all welcome to E! :smilewave. It sounds like you may be bi or even a lesbian. Sexuality is fluid. On one end is straight the other is gay. You might be in the middle. You say that you have thought of marrying a woman. You really didn't mention if you are emotionally or physically attracted to women. Until you know for sure try not to label yourself. Just go with what feels good.
It's really easy to get caught up in these questions. Do I have a crush on this person? Or do I just like him as a person? Do I find this person attractive? Am I just in denial? Do my friends know something about me that I don't know? It's a whole mess of self-analyzing that, as you said yourself, is incredibly exhausting. It's on your mind every second. You're looking at people on the street solely to see if you're attracted to them or not. And it's frustrating, because it feels like you're in a maze, getting turned around and around by doubt and confusion. So when you're in this process, you kind of have to step back and look at it simply. Enough analyzing. Imagine yourself with a man. Give him the best qualities you can think of. Think about what the relationship would be like. And then, ask yourself, "Does this feel right? Do I feel like me? Is this natural?" and then do the same thing with a woman. If it feels natural and right in both cases, then you're bisexual. Or if it just feels like that with a woman, then you're a lesbian. Figuring out our orientation is all about deciding (and when I say deciding, I mean figuring out the messages encoded inside of you) who you want to be with for the rest of your life. For example, I kissed (and, I regret to say, fooled around with) a few guys before I realized that I was gay, and the reason it was more than one guy was that it wasn't disgusting. I didn't kiss a guy and shout "EW!" and promptly throw up. And that's where it can be confusing, because you'd think it would be more obvious if you kissed/fooled around with the wrong gender, but that's the thing-- our orientation is not solely about who we're attracted to, and what turns us on. That's a huge part of it, but the biggest thing is the question of who we want to be with. The purpose of a label is simply to narrow your search-- but you can widen it over time if you don't like what you've limited yourself to. hope that helps.
Exactly what I was going to say! LailaForbidden - I really sympathise with what you're going through and the first thing I want to do is reiterate what EM68 said above - stop trying to label yourself. A few details of my experiences... Until about 6 months ago I was happy (supposedly) in a committed straight relationship and planning on moving in with my boyfriend once I'd finished university. And then one day my relationship with a a female friend, which had always been mildly flirtatious anyway, went to a whole new level. To cut a long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend with this girl for about 3 months before she went back to her home country and I faced up to the fact that I didn't love my boyfriend any more, hadn't done for a while and was now in love with a woman. Panic ensues (and not just because she lives on the other side of the Atlantic and is 8 years older than me). My biggest worry was that I don't feel any strong attraction to other women - I appreciate their beauty and recognise it but beyond that, nothing really. The way I got over this worry was to think about it this way - falling in love with someone is about the person and not their gender (for me anyway). Therefore I haven't yet hit upon a way to identify my orientation that I'm comfortable with - I don't think I'm a lesbian (because I don't feel attracted to other women) but I'm not straight and currently find the idea of sex with men unpleasant. It took a while for me to be comfortable with not having a label - because we are conditioned to fit under neat headings - but I'm ok with it now. I think it can be a damaging and pointless obsession for some people - needing to find a label to fit in with a group somewhere. My gut feeling is that it rarely works this easily. Being confused about your orientation is enough without feeling pressure to find the right label, and quickly. I also think that worrying about it can cloud and distort what you're feeling and therefore make it harder to decide. I too did the staring-at-female-friends-to-decide-if-I-fancy-them thing and it didn't help. So what I'm trying to say is - take your time. Give yourself space to feel whatever it is you need to feel, be that attraction to either or both sex, and slowly things will become clearer.
Oh Laila Forbidden you are so so so like me. Everything you have posted is just ME. Except I label myself as lesbian because it feels right and I don't see myself with a male. And as the post above by addie mentions that sexual orientation is so much more than just sex and attraction. ---------- Post added 21st Oct 2012 at 10:57 PM ---------- Check out this video. The girl is really cute plus she talks about attraction and emotional draw as two factors to sexual orientation. How do you know if you're gay or bi? - YouTube
