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God, I need to vent...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by hiddenxrainbows, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. hiddenxrainbows

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    Okay so for the past two and a half months, there's been some drama going on with me. I became friends with this great guy (I'll call him L), and we became best friends. But I already have a boyfriend (I'll call him R), and I just think of L as a friend. So it's not like there's been any romance between L and I. But the thing is, I eventually found out that L likes me. And since then, it's just been a tiny bit awkward, mostly for him. I mean, I love my boyfriend R and he knows that, so he knows that there'd like never be a chance of me and him. And R's actually away for army training right now, and has been the whole time I've been friends with L. But he's coming home next month, and I guess L was worrying about it being even more awkward when R did come home.

    Now, I know this whole thing was probably really hurting my best friend L, but I guess I just tried to ignore it. But then last Saturday, I found out that R cheated on me and kissed another girl recently. And I was really pissed and hated him at first, and I went to L and vented to him about it. And he even told me "You shouldn't have to put up with that" and "I wouldn't ever cheat..."

    So I think maybe L hoped I would/should leave R and maybe go with him instead or something....But that didn't happen. I forgave R and am still with him. Because there's just been soo much history between us and he apologized and I honestly think he means it and wants to fix it.

    I think that was the last straw for L...Because last night, he called me and told me he needed to talk to me about something serious. And then, he said he doesn't think we should be friends anymore. I guess it's just been too awkward and hurtful for him, and he thinks it would just be better for him if he wasn't friends with me anymore...

    I just feel really, really hurt and angry about the whole thing. L was my best friend, and I don't want to lose him. I mean, he was like the only one that I could go to about things, since I can't really talk to R about things right now since he's gone for training. I've vented to L about a lot of crap, and I don't want to lose our friendship. So I feel really hurt that he would just leave me like this. Especially since we were best friends, and I went through stuff and he's helped me through it. And I have other friends, but none of them were nearly as close to me as he was. So I'm hurt because he's kind of leaving me all alone. At least, until my boyfriend comes back from training. I mean, I don't really have anyone else to go about stuff at the moment...But at the same time, I kind of understand where he's coming from, and I almost feel like I should just let him go and get on with his life because that would be the good thing to do. But I still want to be friends with him. It hurts thinking that we're losing all those fun memories, and I don't want to lose that! But I feel kinda guilty for wanting him to stick around, even though it must hurt the hell out of him all the time...And now tonight, there's been a little bit of drama between us on facebook because I posted something cuz I was just so angry about the whole thing. And I think I hurt/pissed him off with it.

    I just feel so lost, and confused, and hurt right now. What should I do? What can I do? How do you get over losing your best friend...?
     
  2. Gravity

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    My totally unqualified and unprofessional opinion here is that, from what you've written, it sounds like you became a little more than just friends with L. I don't mean that I think you're not telling us something, I just mean that the way you talk about him suggests that he's been fulfilling emotional needs for you that R couldn't while he's been away. This seems very normal and not to be worried about, but it might explain some of the feelings you're having now that he's not around anymore.

    L seems pretty clear on this, too, whether or not he consciously recognized it. He pretty clearly wanted you to break up with R after that whole event, and I his feelings for you were likely not purely platonic ones. It doesn't mean they weren't genuine, just that they were fueled by personal desires for something other than what was actually coming out of your friendship.

    Ask yourself this - was there ever a time when you an L were doing something (anything at all) where you would have felt awkward if R suddenly walked in? Maybe, and maybe not, but figuring out the root of your feelings for L, whatever those feelings might be, will probably help clarify for you why you're reacting to him - and I can't find any other way to say it - leaving you right now.

    In the meantime, I would suggest minimal contact between you two. He's clearly upset and needs some time to work through that, so I would exclude him from any and all facebook posts (fb especially gives us the illusion of "keeping in touch" with someone, and what he really needs is time to himself now) and just generally give him time to figure out what he thinks about things (and, quite frankly, time for you too). If he genuinely cares for you beyond wanting to date you, you'll hear from him again.
     
  3. hiddenxrainbows

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    :confused: Me like him? I don't think...?? I mean, he never made any moves on me or anything, or visa versa. It was just a friendship... I don't know... :/

    So you're saying that maybe he thought that I kinda liked him back, despite me being with R and everything? And yeah, I know. I think it was kind of obvious that L didn't want me being with R anymore, after that whole thing happened. Especially since we've talked about past relationships together. I guess L used to cheat on his girlfriends a lot, until this one girlfriend he had he actually loved and she cheated on him. So he's kind of made a vow not to cheat again. I think me knowing that might have given him more reason to want me to break up with R. And then, to go with him. But he was hoping for something that wasn't going to happen, and that's not really my fault...Or maybe it is. Maybe I might have accidentally led him on a few times. Or he thought so anyway...

    Umm no, not really. Half the times we hung out, we were at the mall/with other people, so it's not like we were really alone an extreme amount. And even when we were, it's not like we'd make out or touch or even really be that physically close to each other. We'd just watch movies, talk, and stuff like that. So no, I wouldn't really feel awkward about anything we did. Maybe a few things we talked about, but we were best friends, so of course we were gonna talk about weird stuff.

    Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have said anything on facebook. I was just mad cuz of everything, and then I saw he posted something on there. So that's why I did that. Not that that's much of an excuse, but...yeah. And maybe you're right about leaving him alone. I don't want to get into a fight with him or anything stupid like that, to just have bitterness between us. I do hope he comes back eventually, though. Because he was my best friend, and it's sad to see him go. And I'm he would've totally gotten along with the rest of my group of friends...

    Thanks for your say and advice though, Gravity. I appreciate it.
     
  4. Gravity

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    I don't necessarily mean that you secretly liked him or anything, just that he was fulfilling an emotional need that one usually gets from a relationship, perhaps one that you were accustomed to getting with R before he went away for army training. Like I said, nothing to be worried about, it happens in long-distance situations, but it may explain part of your reaction. Or maybe not.

    And yes, while it's hard to say what he may or may not have read into various situations, it's entirely possible he started to see something developing that wasn't there, led on by, if nothing else, his own wish that it be real. In situations like that, I find it hard even to talk about assigning "blame" to someone, because it's such an ephemeral process anyway (unless someone's being very blatant about it, but it sounds like neither of you were).

    I do hope things work out well for everyone involved. I'm sure it would be good for you to have L's support while R is still away, but in the meantime, yeah, maybe some distance is called for. I'll keep my fingers crossed. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Poweress111

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    Well... in this story, I have been (still am) L. I'm just too much of a softie to break off the friendship (which would be the healthy thing)

    Look at it from his perspective. It is really hard to listen to someone you like talk about all their crap and be there for them when you know that they're not yours. This is fine, for a good friend to do, but when that friend starts liking you then it gets to putting strain on the relationship.

    I really don't think I'm going anywhere but down with this... so I'm gonna stop. I'm jsut saying this is the thought process I was having as it was happening to me... I eventually jsut told her to go find another friend to vent to every once in a while because it was too hard for me to hear (especially the relationship problems... ouch)

    Sorry if this didn't help any... it was kinda hard for me to put what is going on in my head into writing... but I tried my best.
     
  6. hiddenxrainbows

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    Okay, Gravity, I get what you mean. Yeah, maybe that was the case. I mean, I could usually talk to R about things, when he was still home. But I can't really do that much anymore, since he's busy most of the time. But L, he was like always around, so I could go to him about stuff...

    Hmm...I hope he wasn't led on by the fact that we were pretty close. I mean, just because people get close, doesn't mean anything ever happens between them. Though I guess I can understand why he might have been led on by that...Especially the whole thing that happened with R last week, the cheating thing.

    Well thanks, Gravity! I appreciate the support! And yeah, I would like to still have L's support, especially while R is still away. And even after that, because we got close. And we always had fun whenever we talked or hung out. But I'll let him be, let him have his space if he wants it. Hopefully, he does come back around eventually. But if not...well, things happen for a reason, I guess. :/

    Aww, Poweress, I'm sorry! I know it can't be easy to be friends with someone and like them, especially when they belong to someone else. And that's why I feel kinda guilty, for making him go through all that, as well as not wanting him to leave, even though I know it might be good for him. I know what it's like to like someone who doesn't feel the same, though I've never been in this exact situation, the other way around. I mean, I wasn't best friends with the person, so...yeah. So I can just imagine how hard it was for L, and for you as well.

    Maybe I put too much strain on L? Like talking to him too much about stuff? Maybe if he decides to be friends with me again, I shouldn't talk to him as much about stuff as I did, give him a little...space, I guess? And not really talk about R, maybe? It's just sometimes it's hard not talking about stuff like that. Especially if there's something seriously wrong, and you wanna talk to someone about it. But if he wants to be friends again, I guess I'll try to tone it down just a little bit...The only problem I'm worried about is if he does decide to be friends with me again. What about when R gets back next month? It's only like 2 and a half weeks til that happens. If we become friends again, will it be different when my boyfriend is actually around? Will it be even more awkward? Should I try to keep them separated, like not be around both of them at the same time, so they don't have to deal with each other? Or have them meet each other sometime, and hope that maybe they become friends or something....? I don't know.