For a bit now, I've had the sudden urge to move to the countryside. I dream of owning a small house at the edge of the forest, only I'm too poor to buy a house. And... I live in the desert... Mostly though, I want to start over somewhere. Someplace where everyone knows I'm gay, and I don't either have to hide it, or explain otherwise. Some guys at work are trying to play match-maker with me, and trying to find out 'what kind of guy I'm attracted to'. I don't care if my coworkers know, but one of the managers is really tough towards another lesbian girl that I work with, and I'm afraid she'll be tough on me too if she finds out. Sigh... what should I do? Should I look into real-estate, look into mortgages up north? Or stay in the town my parents live in, and forget about all this? I'm just so confused... maybe owning a house up north is a bad idea? Maybe I should just be happy renting a place down here, right down the street from my parents? I have so much family up there, I was born up there, and I kind of want to return... But I have job security here. I have a full time job with no fear of loosing it, help from just down the road if I need it, and roots that I've planted here in the last 7 years... What would be the best thing to do?
I have similar feelings. I've been contemplating moving away too (I'll be moving soon regardless for work, but contemplating just moving somewhere random and finding a new job, however crappy it might be). The question to ask, I think, is what you hope to accomplish by moving. If it's a way to avoid dealing with problems that you don't know how to cope with, I would suggest not moving - those problems will follow you, and you'll just be dealing with them again later after spending a few thousand (all said and done) on the move. If, on the other hand, it's a way of removing negative influences from your life that are holding you back, despite positive changes that you're trying to make, then it might be worth it. A change of scenery and social life can, indeed, be a healthy thing, assuming that they're the problem in the first place. My two cents - if the problem is that you feel compelled to hide, then don't move. That problem will always be there, even if only when you go back home to visit parents and such, so there will always be a place in the world where you're not out. Speaking from personal experience, even if you're only rarely in that place it can remain harmful. Also, out of curiosity, you seem to mention your parents a lot in here - are they one of the reasons you want to move?
It seems to me that you'll feel LESS comfortable about your orientation the farther north you go. The work you'd be able to find up there will 'likely' involve people who are less tolerant and accepting. Is there someone else at work who you could speak to about how the other lesbian at work is being treated? Perhaps that's where you should start. Regardless of whether you come out yourself or not, if there is someone being harassed due to their orientation that needs to be brought to someone's attention and stopped.
Speaking as someone who's uprooted his life three times and started over in the past year, I can definitely tell you that it can go either way. I've moved away to a college 900 miles away where they despised gays and things went horribly; likewise, I've also moved 700 miles in the opposite direction to another college where the support is so strong and the friends I've made are so amazing that I really have no desire to visit home other than to visit the parentals. Just be sure to take some time thinking it over before going through—maybe by visiting that area for a bit or scoping out the jobs—before making any decisions. Good luck!
I think stad brings up a good point. Moving to a new place does give you a blank slate, but there's not telling what might end up on that slate as time goes on. Instead of immediately checking real estate prices, you might just try visiting a few cities and towns, so you can absorb the "vibe". Short trips won't give you the complete picture, of course, but it is better than nothing. Lex
If this is really about you wanting to be out at work, then I think it would be a lot easier to just come out, and see if you actually have the problems you are anticipating, rather than moving and getting a new job (where there might still be homophobic people anyway). Maybe consider talking to the manager privately first. "It seems like you're really hard on [lesbian girl's name], so I've been kind of afraid of coming out to you. But I'm really tired of the guys trying to set me up, so I wanted to be able to tell everyone I'm gay. I really hope this won't make my job more difficult." From what you said, it might not be totally clear that the reason she's hard on the lesbian you are working with is because of her sexuality. She may have another explanation. If she starts being similarly hard on you after she knows that you're gay, I think you'll have grounds to complain about discrimination. You should then talk to the other managers, or report her to whoever her boss is. So, yeah, if this is all about just wanting to be out, you can just come out. It's a lot less expensive than moving. And if necessary, you can always move after you've tried coming out first. Really, you are going to actually have to come out, even if you move. The people where you move are only going to know that you're gay if you tell them. So you may very well have all the same issues wherever you move to. If you want somewhere more gay-friendly, I'm going to have to suggest urban, rather than rural, as well. Sorry about that.
Thank you everyone! Gravity: No, my parents are definately not the problem. I have a good healthy relationship with them, that did not change - if not got better - after I came out. The only negitive thing I face is my Mom saying, 'If this is what you choose honey, go get a girlfriend'... when its not a choice, since I did not choose to be gay, and my Dad saying more playful-gay jokes ( he makes fun of everyone, kind of like me, lol! ) The town I want to move to, Prince George, was where I was born, and where a lot of my extended family lives. As a child, the highlight of my summer was when we went up there to visit. Maybe that's why I have such an attachment to that city? I'm not sure it has anything to do with really work, the guys have stopped asking what my type is - guess they gave up, we'll c tonight XD Anyway, moving is a want I guess... not a need... I guess I have it good here? My family and friends have all accepted me and everything...
Well, assuming I'm looking at the right Prince George, that doesn't seem *too* far north, and there are certainly much smaller cities to live in. Then again, I'm an American living in Arizona right now (even if I'm from Michigan originally), so what do I know about northwestern Canadian culture? :lol: Let me know your thoughts on this, however they develop. I'm curious to see where you go with it.
I will! Its hard because I was born and lived there, and I have a lot of extended family there, but my immediate family is here... I'll definitely let you know what I decide!
