Coming out disaster

Firstly I'm sorry your coming out didn't go so well. The most important thing I have to say is don't feel bad or ashamed you have done nothing wrong, the fact they don't accept you will long term be their loss and not yours.

I don't think it said in your post but perhaps you could download some pflag information for them. Don't give up all hope it was probably a shock for them.

 

NO!

I'm sorry that your 'coming out' didn't go well. I'd also say that it might be just a matter of time. Your family needs to get used to the idea that you're gay. But in the end, it really doesn't matter what they think. What matters is what you think. You need to live your life YOUR way - not their way.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your father and sister reacted in such hostile ways. You're not a bad person for being gay (or being honest and courageous about it), and don't allow your family to convince you otherwise.

 

You are not a bad person, far from it. You are an amazing person for having the courage to tell your family. They may not have reacted well but that's their fault not yours. You don't have to change anything, you are you and nobody has any right to decide who you are other than yourself.

Hang in there, it will get better, it just takes time. (*hug*)

 

I definitely agree with this - shock can make even the most accepting people react in an unexpected, unpleasant or negative way. I am an example of this and I hold my hands up to it - my sister recently told the family the truth about a relationship she was having - that it was polyamorous - and it didn't go well for her. It took me a while to get my head around it but now I've met one of her partners and will one day meet the other one (they're on the other side of the Atlantic right now hence why we haven't met her yet).

It was a shock for the whole family to hear this about my sister and difficult for us all to grasp. Our immediate reaction was negative because the situation is difficult for us to understand and therefore is threatening. It is threatening because we are/were afraid for her happiness and I can bet your family feel the same way. They want you to be happy but expect that to happen in a certain way. The unexpected often evokes fear - its a protective reaction. Your family are reacting in a protective way because they want you to be happy - they need time to come to terms with the fact that you will make yourself happy in a different way to what they expected.

I can only imagine how hard it must have been to hear those things from your Dad and Sister but give them time. I no longer have a problem with my sister's relationship because I know that all parties are consensual and that it makes her very happy. I am still afraid for her happiness but its her life and her choice.

Finally, don't let your family's reaction deter you from your chosen path. It is your life and therefore you must do what makes you happy. Be honest always (lies cause pain, fear and confusion trust me) and trust that, whatever their reaction, being truly yourself is a good thing.

Good luck

 

He believes that you decided you're gay based on only receiving information from the "gay point of view", so to speak, so he wants you to get the straight point of view before making the final determination. The point is, you have been exposed to the straight point of view all your life, and you have only recently begun to see things from the gay point of view. Your dad is probably just going through denial.

It's kind of like the creationism vs. evolution argument--the creationists want to teach kids both points of view, even though only one is clearly based on a large volume of factual evidence and the other is pseudoscience based on a religious text.

 

Sorry to hear it didn't go so well for you - though, in all fairness, it could have been worse. Plus, you've already made it through the hardest past, so that's something to be proud of.

Some suggestions for here on out:

1) As you said, your mom seems ok with it, so that's something to be happy about. Maybe she's not waving rainbow flags around but at least you have someone who's not being hostile to you. So yay!

2) I have to echo everyone else and say that it's hard to overestimate the amount of surprise that your family - your father and sister especially, from the sound of it - probably felt when you came out to them, and how much their surprise changed their reaction to you. Virtually every family member I came out to reacted in a way different from how they came to eventually feel - and not that they all "flipped sides" or something, but nobody stayed as hostile or as shocked as they were at first. Everyone got better in their own degree.

3) As much as you might feel the urge at times, don't capitulate to family desires. If you have a boyfriend over (though it might not be the best time now, anyway, and he should probably know the situation first), don't not touch him just to make your sister happy. And don't go to a "straight" counselor just to make your father happy (though most of them will probably be fine treating a gay person anyway, I don't know what your father hopes to accomplish there). Basically, giving in to any of their "don't be gay" requests now will only make you feel worse and give them false "hope" that your "situation" is "improving." You need to be consistent, both for your own good and for the good of your relationship with your family in the future.

Anyways, I hope that your mom becomes a source of strength and support for you, and that other things go as well for you as they can. Hang in there, and post as often as you need! (*hug*)

 

"I didn't become gay because I saw a gay therapist. I saw a gay therapist because I'm gay."

It's a simple, sincere answer to the therapy situation if your dad brings it up again.

Everyone else said anything I could say, so I'll just end this message with a massive hug. Hang in there; it will be okay.

 

I'm going to just agree with Chip: go see a straight therapist, and have your dad come in and talk to a qualified mental health professional about how you being gay is something you were born with. If you want to, get a referral from your gay therapist for a straight one that won't be religiously biased (Chip mentioned Christian counselors, which are the most common, but there are other religion-based counselors too, that might be biased.)

But since your dad wants you to see a counselor, that's good. Go to a counselor, and then have him come in with you and talk to the straight counselor. Any reputable counselor that follows the guidelines of the APA will have your side on this.

I'm really sorry about your sister. I think when you said she knew, we thought that she had already accepted you and would offer support during this confrontation.

Perhaps you might remind her that she doesn't actually have the authority to condemn you to hell, and that it's really a matter between you and God.

Hang in there. This is the hardest part, really: from here, it gets better. (*hug*)

Also, your family is upset and not totally accepting, but they haven't disowned you. Your sister is forbidding any display of affection, but she is assuming that your boyfriends will eventually be coming over to the house. No one has said, "If you are gay, you can't be a part of this family." So, you will have the opportunity to convince them over time.

When you set up the meeting with your dad and the straight therapist, have the therapist recommend PFLAG for your parents.

Actually, you could recommend PFLAG to your mom right away. At PFLAG, there are other parents who have gone through what she is going through right now (and, for that matter, what your father is going through now). They can help your parents through the emotional process of accepting this. Maybe if your mother goes first, she can convince your father to go.

Your father might respond better if the straight counselor recommends it, though.

 

Your father is in a bit of tough spot right now.

Up until now, he presumably didn't have any trouble considering gay people to be "them". A group of bad people with issues, or whatever. Then you told him that YOU are in that group. Given that, he has three options.

1. Stick with his theory about gay people, and reject you completely.
2. Deny the premise that you're gay.
3. Rethink his whole thought process about gay people.

Obviously, our hope is always that people will choose option 3. But that's a REALLY hard thing for people to do. It's not easy to instantly change one's outlook. On a positive note, he didn't choose option 1, either - he chose number 2. That's usually the easiest one to do, because if you're not gay, then he can still keep you in his life AND not change the way he thinks about gays. It may be clear to ye and me that that isn't the right path, but people often take the easy path over the right one.

Do tell your father you sought out this therapist specifically because you were pretty sure you were gay already. Then you might try making an offer to your father. Tell him you WILL go see a straight therapist...provided he goes with you. (You might ask your therapist for a list of straight-but-gay-positive therapists you can go see for a couple sessions.) Don't let him pick the therapist, as he might try to find an "ex-gay" one. But ask him to come along.

Lex

 

Then you need to stop talking to your sister. Completely and utterly. And feel free to e-mail your father various texts saying that being gay is OK. Show him he's not the only one who can copy and paste things into an e-mail.

You're not worthless. You're not the scum of the earth. You're gay. And there's no shame in that. You need to remind yourself, over and over, that your self-worth isn't (and shouldn't be) tied up in what your father or what your sister think or say. What they're saying and doing says NOTHING about you. Sadly, it says plenty about them. If you have to, let them know what you're feeling. That if you thought this was just a passing phase or something that could be cleared up, you probably would've done something about it by now. That their words aren't helping "push the gay away" - that they're only making you feel worse, and making you want to not deal with them in any way shape or form.

Stick close to your mother. Thank her for being there for you. And feel free to lean on us as much as you need to.

Lex

 

Okay, first off, I'm soo sorry that your family is reacting this way to you being gay. No one should be treated like that, especially by their own family.

Maybe it is just shock that they're going through right now. I think that's what happened with my boyfriend when I finally came out to him that I'm pan. Because I didn't tell him until months after we'd already been together. I was just so scared to. For a while, I think it was a bit awkward and weird for him, because he thought he already knew me and it turned out he didn't know everything. But I actually talked to him the other day about it, and he said that he doesn't feel awkward or anything about it anymore. He's fine with it. So maybe, hopefully, your family will come to terms with it after a while.

As for the straight therapist thing, you should be careful with that. Because while there is nothing wrong with going to a straight one, you should make sure that they aren't anti-gay, like Lex said. Because they will try to turn you straight, and therapy like that only causes harm, not good. But if they aren't anti-gay, I don't really see anything wrong with it. Because they can try talking to your dad, and the rest of your family for that matter, about how it's okay to be gay and all that.

Also, there's definitely nothing wrong with you for being gay! It's just who you are. The people who say that gays are going to hell and that we're evil...well, they're the bad people. Not you, not us. They just don't understand gay people and fear them as a result of that. I actually used to kinda hate gay people. People like my dad (who is one of those Christians who think gays are evil and all that) got to me and I didn't really understand gays. And then when I started questioning my sexuality, I kinda hated myself. But since that time, I've grown to understand that being gay, bi, pan, whatever is okay; there's nothing wrong with it at all. And I've come to love myself the way I am.

And if your sister is being that vindictive to you at the moment, you might not want to talk to her very much at the moment. Because anything she has to say might just hurt you and make you feel worse about yourself, when that is obviously not something you need right now.

 

You're welcome, unknown! ^_^ I'm sure your dad, and sister as well, will accept it eventually. I really hope so. I mean, maybe they just are in shock. A lot of families do go into a bit of shock whenever they find out that one of their loved ones isn't straight. And at least, they haven't disowned you or kicked you out or anything that drastic. So there's still hope. I just congratulate you on actually telling your family yet. I haven't....So you're braver than I am lol

 

no..no..no.noo.noo..no...That's terrible:icon_sad: No you're not a bad person. You are who you are. If anything, you are a resilient and courageous person for even having the courage to tell something like this to your family. I don't even have that kind of courage yet. Not even close.

I'm sorry that your coming out went so badly, my heart really goes out to you (&&&)

Maybe it'll take some more time for them to adjust and educate themselves about this matter. Even if you don't have their support, you still have the support from all of us. Just remember, that you cannot let your family or other people's opinions define you or bring you down.

(&&&)

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your father's and sister's continued harassment of you (and make no mistake, that's what it is). But I'm also overjoyed to hear about your mother.

You seem to be dealing with it very well - I'm a huge proponent of not letting negative thoughts like that into your life, no matter where they come from.

Continued well-wishing for you - (*hug*)