Writing this has been difficult and I have deleted it over and over again but I feel compelled to keep on going to open up a little and use these few good days I have been having productively. So this is where I am at, I have long stretches of days where I accept what I have known for quite a while deep down. Then of course, I have days where I go straight back into denial and perform all these weird mental gymnastics to try and justify my feelings and then push them completely out of my mind. Lately though I seem to have a lot of good days in a row, but it only takes one little thing to throw me off and then its like starting all over again. For the last few weeks Ive been searching google and finding pages like these and I finally decided that I should just join up and see what happens, a place to get my thoughts out of my own head so that I can have some peace. I havent yet reached the place though where I can just say to myself those 2 little words which seem so simple; "Im gay". On my good days I mostly just accept that I have those feelings but I dont ever seem to go any further than that. Im finding this quite difficult to come to terms with, and I suppose the main reason Im writing this is just to get a bit of insight from anybody who is in this position or who has been. The main difficulty which I think seems to be holding me back is just thinking about the changes that will happen. I've never been anyone who is particularly family orientated so all the stuff about missing out on that stereotypical family life (wife, 3 kids and a dog) doesnt really bother me, I think the thing that does is that I am happy with where I am at. I love my family, I love my friends and I love how they all treat me at the moment and I just fear that what happens if I do come out? Will they treat me different? Will I still have all the people I care about? (Sidenote on family and friends: My mom is the most accepting person in the world and I have no fears about her, my sister would also be fine with it. My dad I hardly speak to so couldnt really care less. My friends would mostly be fine with it, I seem to have a lot of lesbian friends aswell, but my best friend comes from quite a homophobic family and she has never really expressed any views on it). So I guess really its the whole thing about will they treat me any differently than they do now which gets to me. So thats about all that comes to mind at the moment, as I said previously, anyone who is at the same point or have been through this I look forward to hearing from you. J
Hi J, and welcome to EC. I think almost everyone worries about these things - to one degree or another - before coming out. But if you read the coming out stories here I think you'll see that most people have a better experience than they thought they were going to. We worry about the things that will change, but the thing that changes the most is our own level of comfort with ourselves. It sounds like things are likely to go well for you when you're ready. But there's no rush to do anything. Hang out here and get more and more comfortable with yourself and your orientation. The better you feel about it, the less you'll worry about what other people will think.
Hi JR, I think a lot of people can identify with what you posted. I'm not sure I can give any good advice as I have only just accepted the fact myself but I found that if you start to second guess your feelings it's best to slow down, relax and try to clear your head as the reason doubt comes is usually as your thinking too much. Oh and as Jim said hanging round here really helps as well
Hi there, what you’re going through sounds a lot like what I’ve had to endure, and am still going through to an extent. All these phases of thinking you’re sure and have settled down in your head until something throws it all into turmoil again. In fact your personal situation parallels mine too, mother and siblings who will accept it, father who is more or less irrelevant and friends who shouldn’t be bothered either. I worried whether it might be an issue, as until you say something you can carry on as things are but once they know people ‘expect’ different things of you, but nobody reacted badly to it and it hasn’t affected our relationships. If anything it’s made us closer because I’m not hiding an aspect of myself anymore. Your situation in that regard sounds fairly good, but obviously you have to act and tell people whenever feels right for you. I’m really not that good at offering advice, but from my experience over time the cycle of ups and downs has become less frequent and less intense, so I haven’t been in despair as bad as I used to for a while, and overall things have got a lot better, so I can only offer reassurance that if you give yourself time you will become more comfortable with yourself.
Very homophobic people may freak out. Maybe talk to your best friend with the homophobic family about your lesbian friends, and see if you can get a feel for her views. Otherwise, it sounds like people will be accepting. They will, of course, think differently about you in one way: they will think you are gay. This will change a few things. For example, if any of your female friends are secretly in love with you, they will have to accept that a relationship with you is impossible. Also, everyone will stop asking you about girlfriends, and instead start asking about what particular guys you think are hot. They also might talk to you more about gay-related things. A few straight girls might want you to go shopping with them. Just explain that not all gay guys are like that. Your lesbian friends might throw you a party. (Yes, really.) (If you were reading above and thought, "but they don't ask me about girlfriends now!" then, given the fact that all your friends you mentioned are girls, it's likely that some of them already suspect. If that's the case, then really, you have nothing to worry about. Mothers often already know. They observe us closely.) Most importantly, once you are out, you won't have to wonder any more whether people will accept you. You'll know, and you'll be able to move forward knowing that the people in your life love you for who you really are.
