Hi, I don't really know where to turn so I decided to post here. I've only just come out as lesbian, to both myself and to other people. It's a long story really, but basically I came out to other people because I wanted to be with my girlfriend openly, who I had been seeing for about 6 weeks. My problem is, I had only really come out to myself about 2 months before I got together with my girlfriend. The thing is that my girlfriend has been out (to herself at least) since the age of 14, had a girlfriend for years, has been with many women and is completely comfortable with her sexuality. I, on the other hand, have struggled with being gay since I first knew I fancied women at around the age of 9, although I could admit to myself that I liked women, I couldn't admit to myself that I was gay. As a consequence, I spent 10 years being with guys, never hating it but never enjoying it either. As the years went on I found it harder and harder to deal with the fact that every woman that I fancied I was afraid to talk to, would never let anyone know that I like women, basically hid from my own feelings until about 5/6 months ago, when I got massively drunk and made out with a girl that I was really attracted to. Only then could I start to admit to myself my real feelings and sexual attraction were for girls. So now I have the problem that I am extremely happy for the first time in my life, because I'm with a girl that I love and I've admitted to myself to that I'm lesbian, and my family and friends know that I'm gay and support me. But on the other hand, I can't stop thinking about the past, of how long I allowed myself to hide from my own feelings, of how I turned away so many opportunities to be with women that I really wanted to be with. It really upsets me to think about it, and it only gets worse when I hear my girlfriend talking about women that she was with in the past, reminiscing on how much she fancied them. Just to put something straight - I'm not the jealous type - I'm not even massively bothered about monogamy as long as both people are on the same page... So hearing about people she was with in the past doesn't hurt or upset me, but hearing about experiences that she had the courage to have when I was so afraid to do the same thing just makes me feel miserable about myself and about why I hid so far in the closet that I couldn't even find myself in there.... I don't know what I can do to make me feel less upset about all this.....It's affecting my relationship with my girlfriend because I've tried to explain this to her, and she understands to an extent, but then she just doesn't get it because she was never in doubt about her sexuality, whereas I have always been afraid of how much I liked women...... It's really getting me down and I just wanted to know what other people think, or if anyone had any idea of how I can make myself feel less shitty about everything that I didn't do in the past... Thanks x
No two people had the same circumstances growing up, and no two people react or adapt to the same circumstances in the same way. There's no need to feel shitty about not having been as comfortable with or sure about your sexuality in your adolescence as your girlfriend was in hers. Focus on how happy you'll be in the future now that you have admitted to yourself and told others the truth about your attraction to girls . You'll find that plenty of people here have taken far, far longer to accept or discover their own sexuality. I did when I was 25, and I've never even been in a relationship. It was never for fear of others finding out; I simply didn't know, despite all the clues.
One thing you might consider, is that you might feel differently in terms of jealousy, about your girlfriend, than you ever did about men. It would make sense if you were feeling jealous in a way that you never have before. It's also possible that you are jealous, not because she was with other people, but because she had the experiences that you never did. (Before I understood that I was a lesbian, I thought that I "wasn't the jealous type," and that was why I didn't mind so much when the guys I supposedly liked ended up with other girls. But really, I was just gay, and didn't mind for that reason. When I like a girl, I'm totally jealous.) Anyway, the past is past. You can only accept it and move on. If you could go back and do it differently, you would, but you can't. Unfortunately, I do know that sometimes a first lesbian relationship fails because the newly out lesbian really wants the experience of dating more women before settling down with one.
First off, welcome to EC! Having regrets about your life is one of the hardests things to let go, so I can totally get where you are coming from. I personally had the hardest time forgiving myself for wasting so much time and for being a "coward" I might be wrong here, but what I get from your post is not so much that you can't move on from your past and its more the fact that you are comparing yourself to others, in this case your girlfriend. We are all different and we all grew up with different experiences an enviroments, which means we all react to different situations very differently. To some it takes us longer to accept ourselves than others, but it doesn't make us less couragous or weaker. Just means that it tooks us longer and that's it. I know its hard, and it takes time, but make a promise to yourself. You can't change the past but you can use it to make you stronger. From now on don't let any other opportunity go by and start being the person who you want to be. Make the "mistake" count for something
It sounds to me like you're around 20 years old. As someone who is 40, you're incredibly young! And as someone who didn't clue into his orientation or come out until he was 35, you've got 15 years on me in terms of living an honest and authentic life. I felt like I had really messed things up, and I was really beating myself up about it too. That didn't help me in my addiction recovery. But I dealt with those emotions and thoughts by embracing two reading from recovery: There isn't anything you can do about what you perceive to be lost opportunities. So you might as well leave them alone. The way I look at it is this... All of my experiences and decisions have delivered me to the place where I'm at right now. And I really like where I am right now. I have a wonderful husband, I have a caring and supportive ex wife, and I have 2 beautiful little girls from that marriage. I wouldn't want to change anything about what I have right now, so I can't really imagine wanting to change anything in my past either. Be thankful for what you have - and for where you've arrived at. It's all good.
Thanks so much everyone, it really helps to hear that I'm not alone on this. I hate feeling this way, because I don't like being haunted by regrets, but I guess it makes sense to say that everyone comes from a different place and I do know that in a way. But I really appreciate hearing it come from other people I think you're all right about not having any more regrets, I'm going to try be more true to myself. I'm going to start doing this and hopefully it will help me feel better about my past... I think I just spent so many years hiding who I really was that it has become a habit, which I need to try and break I guess... Anyways, cheers for all your comments, it's really helped x
