Is denial better for closeted gays?

Although I'm sure you may have the temptation to argue with me when I say this, I still feel an outright necessity in letting you know..

You are doing yourself an incredibly terrible disservice if you push yourself into denial.

Part of coming out...or realizing your true identity in how ever way it manifests itself...always begins with the evitabe, "Something isn't right here." Sometimes this leads to realization that you are gay, sometimes this leads to crippling mental thought as you try and decipher what exactly is wrong with you.

Don't let yourself deny who you truly are. Even if for whatever reason you feel it neccessary to be in the closet, don't be in the closet to yourself. Don't force yourself to try and harbour feelings you don't have. In the end it can either lead to feeling worse off, or if you deny yourself enough, hurting somebody you could never turly love sometime down the road.

Coming out isn't easy. None of the steps are easy. And I've talk to enough people and expierenced enough of my own life that I've seen there are plenty of ways to get bruised, scratched and broken along the road. But for the sake of the personal self we have to do it. Because it's the right thing to do. It's the truthful thing to do.

You don't have to be out to the world, but at least try and be out to yourself. That is the first stage of finding your greater identity.

 

Some very wise words, InaRut and I agree with them all.

kellymporta - you mention wasting time thinking about what if scenarios etc but to me putting energy into remaining in the closet (as much to yourself as to the rest of the world) is an enormous waste of time. But more than that it is a waste of life. You are a human being and as such you have the ability to fall in love, one of the most beautiful things this life can offer. In denying your sexuality you are denying yourself the chance to fall in love, which to me is incredibly sad.

I'm not saying you should come out - this is clearly not the right time for you. You are, I think, very scared of your sexuality and would rather repress it than live it. I think your first step, as InaRut said, is to come out to yourself. You seem content to continue with denial for now as it thus far it has been comfortable. But I do not think this well last, I think it will become less satisfactory for you and eventually you will have to face up to the fact that you are gay.

 

You will never "cure" yourself, and these feelings will keep returning for the rest of your life. You should be honest with yourself now so that when the dust settles you can be happy with who you are.

Don't torture yourself like this. There is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, dare I say, queer is even better than straight. Far more interesting at least.

 

when you are in denial about being gay you rarely have any troubling thoughts because you suppress that feeling and emotion and just live life as an straight person in your mind or asexual. if you were a robot, that would work forever, but since you are human, most humans want and need the companisionship of others. you are interested in same sex companionship so when you start wanting that (which you will no matter how much you suppress, you will will start having troubling thoughts again). if you want to live your life in the closet, that's your choice and business but being in denial to yourself your whole lfie seems really harsh

 

I think Im kinda at the same point as you kellymporta. Its just so difficult to come to terms with everything and figure it out in your own mind. I know that I am definitely struggling with the am I? arent I? but I think that you are being a bit too hasty saying that you want to hide for the rest of your life, I mean I am in no better position than you but Im just hoping that with time I can figure it out and then everything after that will hopefully be a lot easier.

JR

 

You should just go kiss a boy. Someone you know doesnt have any ties with your friends or anyone you know. Just for fun. See how it feels. Then go from there. I bet you'll be blown away.

 

Whether you stay in or not, you just have to make peace with yourself and feel satisfied that you made the right decision for you.

Forgive me for being blunt, but I feel that being in self-denial is being dishonest to yourself. Much as it may appeal to you now to avoid the apparent familial complications of coming out, as InaRut rightly pointed out, you're doing yourself a disservice.

The one thing I'd say is: We only get one chance at life. Do what you will with it, but make sure you live it to the fullest you can. And that means coming out and empowering yourself to "be the change you want to see in the world". If nothing else, only come out to those whom you trust: the people who really matter to you.

Hope this helps. Feel free to write to me if you want to talk to someone.

Best,

Doctor Faustus.

 

if u want to stay in teh closet you can but you have to find another closeted person like you so you both can have closeted hidden lives which basically amounts to always being on guard and hiding the relationship or simply only being in your own home and never being seen together. this is a bit extreme dont u think but it is possible to do. but you will even worry if the neighbors suspect the guy that keeps coming over to your apt is your boyfriend, you wil wonder if they hear any sexual activity, you will wonder if anyone sees the guy leave the apartment in teh early morning hours. you will always wonder.

 

It seems to me that it's too late for denial. You've openned this 'Pandora's Box' related to your orientation, and it can't be closed again. You can't forget something that you've so consciously considered here in this thread. Denial isn't really an option for you.

Staying in the closet is also a pretty dismal thing for you to plan on doing for the rest of your life. So rather than make plans to do that, why not talk to us about why coming out is something that is totally out of the question? I bet we've all felt the same way you do right now, yet we've eventually come to the conclusion that it's a waste of time and energy to stay in the closet.

So? What's up with that?

 

Hi all, I completly agree with Jim, in fact you have unwittingly started coming out, it doesnt matter how long you take to complete this process. It still upsets me to read about people that are victims of homophobia (including internalised homophobia). Just take deep breaths and small steps, and you will start living for yourself.

 

It is easy to remain hidden while being completely fine with yourself. I did it for many a year. Just be careful with what you say and do and you should be fine while enjoying knowing who you are. It may be difficult at first but you could easily figure it out. But, I strongly recommend NOT doing this for a long time. It is just a temporary measure as it should only be used as a preparation to coming out.

You will get there in the end and the rewards of finally accepting yourself and society accepting you will be great. (*hug*)

 

I think it's important to point out, there are not just two options, in the closet and out. Many, many gay people are only partly out, only out to some people but not others. Especially depending on how much violence you face as a gay person where you live, this may be the most viable option. There are definite drawbacks: the compartmentalization of your life, the feeling that you have more than one identity, can make you feel very strange sometimes.

But it is much better than being fully closeted forever, and never letting your true self see the light of day, and being alone all your life, or in a dishonest straight relationship.

I would recommend that you consider being at least a little bit out, enough to find love, to have people in your life you can share your true self with. So you can be seen and known, recognized and appreciated for who you really are, at least by some people.

Maybe you will never feel you can come out at work, or to your family. But you can still have another part of your life, where you are out. Where you are known, at least to other gay people.

I'll be honest, I think that the way you will find the most happiness is by coming out and living openly as who you really are. But some people don't feel they can do that, and almost no one does it all at once.

We all start small. You start with yourself: first, you have to become comfortable with the fact that you are gay.

Sometimes, a part of this process is telling someone that you know will be accepting--such as another gay person, or someone you know to be supportive of gay rights. Sometimes, this might be counselor, someone who is required to keep what you say confidential. (Counseling is a big, big help.) Having even just one person that is accepting of you can make a big difference in the way you feel about yourself.

But don't rush yourself. This is all about you, and there is no hurry.

Right now you are coming out to yourself, and that's hard. I can understand why you might think it's easier to just stay in denial. It is easier, but the easy way is often not the best way, not the way to a more fulfilling life. Just try to move forward, instead of backward, and you can have a more meaningful and happier life in the long run.

 

Easier is not better. Eventually, denial and being closeted will wear down your mental state, and you will have a nervous breakdown.

At the very least, you will come back again and again to the state you are in now. Which you are not enjoying. The only way to avoid being in this state again is to move forward out of it, rather than back.

Did you miss the part where I said that "totally in the closet" and "out to everyone" are not the only options? I strongly recommend finding one person you can tell in real life. See how that feels.

 

i agree with everyone else on here..being in denial will make things so bad for u.it will hurt u like crazy and its not good for u and all ur doing is denying who u r and it has been proven that homosexuality is something tht ur born with also,it just takes sum longer to figure out wat they r but of corse theirs going to be those haters,or homophobics but ur going to need to ignore that.ik it has to be especially hard wen ur friend is a homophobic but if ur friend loves u they will accept u despite it.now im not telling u wat to do,i just know its not healthy.everyone i know feels so much better when they come out cuz they can finally be who they were meant to be

 

been there, done that. good luck to ignoring your natural urges and trying to be somebody else because i guarantee you, it'll still be there and you're going to end up having to confront it whether it's next week or a year from now. the same thing happened to me last year where i thought i could run from being gay yet i found myself constantly having to fight unwanted thoughts and feelings in my head. if you're not ready to deal with it, then don't deal with it now. deal with it another day but the bottom line is you're going to have to deal with it at some point.

 

I think it's going to lead to a lot of issues if you try to go back into denial...speaking from only limited life experience. Trying to fight the feelings has led to anxiety issues and other things like that.

Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor or psychologist?

 

I don't know if it's true for everyone, but when I was in denial about being a lesbian, I did a lot of stupid stuff with boys. Stuff I regret. Denial only leaves you with regrets and a lot of self-loathing.