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I'm not ok, and I do need some advice. not urgent.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Friendly ghost, Nov 21, 2011.

  1. Friendly ghost

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    I still don't know much about my sexuality. I always liked to think that I was an open person that was very self aware. It seems though, that either I've got myself riled up for nothing, or I have some deep seated denial that I never even knew about. I don't think I am an overly sexual person to start, and that doesn't help. But I need to have some idea on it.

    I Think I can look back and identify signs, but its too hard to tell if Im just making mountains out of mole hills. Or just assuming the mountains are mole hills because they are so far away. I am not a feminine guy, but I'm not very masculine either. I feel like I'm gay, but I'm not sure why. Its like now that I am questioning it I feel like I need to start looking at guys more, or am I just letting myself now? Do I like guys sexually? Or do I just have a wild fantasy sometimes and can get aroused by things just because its sexual. Because it really seems it could be both. I'm not even going to start about the emotional side of it, I'm totally lost there.

    I know that I need to relax, and give it time, but I am 21 and I have a gf/ex gf who would really like to know too. Of course I bought myself time by closing the door again. I've also got ocd, and enough that I am not sure what I am creating and whats real. I feel crazy sometimes, and I really feel like crying right now.

    Where do I go from here? What should I do to help myself? I have the answers, probably gay, so wheres this insanity coming from?
     
  2. insidehappy

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    who do you think about mostly. if you see a guy do you think "i wonder what it would be like to be around him all the time and have a special closeness wtih him" or do you think like that about women? as far as sex, do u think about women sexually or not. as far as if you had to pick between a really hot guy or a really hot girl and nobody would know what you picked and it would be a secret either way, who would you pick? when you have gotten butterflies or a crush on someone, who has it been (guy or girl)?
     
  3. Noir

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    (*hug*) It's okay, it's okay, hun. Take a deep breath and relax. I don't exactly know your circumstances, and I can't fully understand even if you told me since I'm a different person, but I do know for sure that you're not going crazy. :slight_smile: I myself have to some degree a case of acute paranoia, and I went through a phase very similar to what you're describing, as I'm sure most of the people on this site have. "Am I really possibly gay, or am I somehow tricking myself into believing something that isn't real?" I couldn't help wondering if I was really sexually interested in girls or if I was just getting more aware of them because I had just entered high school and I was starting to learn what homosexuality was. I'm telling you, it freaked me out and caused me no end of stress. Especially because my best friend was beginning to pick up on it and was feeling uncomfortable around me.

    The one thing I can say for sure is that the way you think will affect the way you feel and the way you feel will affect the way you act. If you pretend to feel a certain way, the feeling can become genuine all by accident. That's what happened to me eventually, meaning that after a while since what I was feeling only got stronger and wouldn't go away, it had probably become real on its own. Even if I'd been making it up or imagining it at first, it sure isn't now!

    In your case, I wouldn't spend so much brain effort on trying to make sense of your emotions, because that won't get you anywhere. I should know, I've been doing it for the last four years, and I find it makes me go in circles. I've learned to pause, take a step back, and observe myself from a distance. What do I do in situations that might involve my orientation? Why do I do that? Is it different than what my friends feel towards someone of the same sex (assuming the friends are straight)? Give yourself time to consider these aspects. It's perfectly fine if you're attracted to guys--or not. Maybe you admire the bodies of other guys since I know this can be the case for some girls and it turns out you're just bi-curious. Either way, it's fine. You're only 21, and you're still changing into the person you're going to be. It's alright to be anxious, and just remember that you shouldn't be afraid to discover yourself, whoever he may be. :slight_smile:

    I hope I could be of some help!
     
  4. Toneth

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    have you considered Bisexuality? maybe you're somewhere in the middle, you're just you, labels are for groceries, so don't worry too much about it, and for now just explore whatever perks your interest, give it some time and come back to it if you need to.
     
  5. Emergelove

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    Friendly Ghost,
    Hi. I can feel some of your angst, although I am somewhat older and in a different situation. I am glad that you wrote here. I hope this forum will help, even if it just letting it all out and allowing yourself to step back and listen to your self.

    You sound to me that what you are feeling and thinking is overwhelming you. Of course, you are dealing with multiple things. Because you follow some obsessive rituals, you feel you cannot trust what feelings and thoughts are real and what are you "created". It's pretty darn hard. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this if you feel comfortable, but I want to offer you that even if you feel ocd may be associated with your sexuality, you are not going crazy (although of course you may feel like it). I can see how you felt that you wanted to cry. It's okay to cry at times. Helps clear one's mind. I certainly hope that it'll be alright.

    You say you have the answer that you may be gay, and then you wonder where is the insanity coming from. As if these two are linked in a causal way. I don't believe that it literally is the case, but, by saying that I don't want to deny that you are struggling with these thoughts.

    I would recommend you don't explore these by your self. This forum or a trusted person whose advice you consider wise or even a counselor may be the right venues to do that.

    Best,
    SP
     
  6. Friendly ghost

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    Thank you all for posting, I feel a little bit better at the moment, and it all helped. I still don't really know, but I am trying not to let it bury me. Sometimes just hearing its ok helps a lot even, oddly.

    Its hard to tell what who I think I'd like to be close to. I have been with this girl for 5 years, and I love her dearly, so I try to think about it with her out of the picture, but its still distorts it some. I also never used to even think about being with a man, I assumed i'd be with a girl. Or alone. There is something nice about holding her, but at the same time I do think I would like to have a man, I think its just hard to imagine the kind of guy I would want to be with. Sexually, I don't really think about women much. So I try to think about it that way, and that I would just need to find the right guy for the emotional aspect.

    I know I shouldn't focus on labels so much, but they do help. I like things to make clear sense. The big part again though is my gf. I told her I might be gay, we took a break, and I lost myself on all of it and questioned everything again and went back in the closet and got back together. Mistake on my part, but I just wasn't sure and I didn't want to lose her because I had an obsession all of the sudden that I might be gay. I certainly think that I would be considered bisexual, but its the preference I don't want to regret. I don't want to regret everything 10 years from now and then have to go through this then.

    At least I know I have some time, but I think I am causing tension right now with my gf because its stressing me out. I think I am coming to the conclusion that I am gay. Again though, the ocd things worries me. I don't consider that to be anything big in my life, and I won't let it be, but I need to be aware of it. I know I often have my opinion or belief on how I think things should be and how I should be, and sometimes it isn't quite right. But it isn't so easy to just 'be'.

    I do feel comfortable talking about it though, you might have to help me with what exactly though. It is hard though to tell sometimes what is real for me. Like, when I first really thought I was gay, I think it did become kind of an obsession, true or not, I mean I felt so strongly on it for awhile. Enough that I actually came out to several people and my parents.. Then if faded some and I went back to questioning.

    I'm sure I am not going insane at least, and I know that it is just me, and has nothing to do with my sexuality. But I do tend to get in the way of things that should just be or whatever. I am open to talk about anything though, I just need some help. Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it.
     
  7. GlindaRose

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    Friendly ghost, I love your username, for some reason it made me go n'aaaaw :grin:

    I know what you mean as well, and my advice would be to just roll with it. You are who you are, and as someone mentioned earlier, labels are for groceries. At the end of the day sexuality isn't your entire life, only a part of it. I would actually recommend taking a step back from it and putting it out of your mind. That way it'll be more likely for things to happen naturally. If you're not thinking about it, you might suddenly find yourself liking someone a hell of a lot and this may actually tell you more about your sexuality than if you stood there questioning yourself for hours on end.

    (*hug*)
     
  8. Hidinginalabama

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    All I can really say right now is take your time. What ever you find your self to be gay bi what ever its your life. Just try and be happy. And as for being 21 dont worry about the age I'm right there with you. Just turned 22 and it hasent changed one thing. Best of luck man. Hope things work out great for you.:thumbsup:
     
  9. Aielar

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    Just like what everyone has said, it's recommended to take your time with this: you have your whole life ahead of you and why is it so urgent to know right now? Sure, knowing oneself creates peace of mind and self awareness, but if you don't figure it out right away then that's alright as well. I myself was blatantly ignorant of my sexuality until about a year ago, even though in retrospect it was really obvious I like girls as well, it was just something I hadn't considered :3 Not sure if this helps, but I'll be around if you feel the need to talk :3