Well. I suppose this is part status update - part plea for help. Things have been pretty good with me, I suppose, but I'm feeling pretty down right now, so I thought I'd voice my problems, just to see if anyone can help me. I'm sorry if this post is slightly less wordy than my others - I'm just not in the mood I guess. Let's start with the good stuff first. My progress so far: I've got my psychologist referral - so now all I need to do is actually see a psych. I saw my Doctor for the second time today, and she's given me a list of trans-friendly Psych's and my referral form. I've told my parents I've been suffering from "depression" - still havn't come out to them that it's the result of my possible trans-ness. I've decided that I will tell them. Soon. But not just yet. - They took my depression revelation pretty badly. We sat down and had a 5 hour long conversation about it - and by the end it was clear that they were still confused, shocked - that I hadn't told them before this became a serious problem, hurt, and suspicious as to what the central reason may be. My parents seem to agree to me seeing a psycholigst, but they've given me two conditions. One that I disucss any treatment options that he/she suggests after the first consultation. Two that they can help me pick a psychologist that they "trust". Don't ask me how on earth they're supposed to be a "trustworthy" psych - I've made it clear that in my opinion they need to pick one from the list of Trans-freindly ones (remember my parents still don't know about the trans-bit) that the doctor gave me. Hopefully they'll pick one of the trans-friendly ones - I don't think I could bear to waste time talking to someone without any grasp of what I'm really going through. I visted the GenderCentre on the other side of the city - hoping that they might be able to provide me with some extra guidance my Doctor couldn't. Well. They didn't. I did walk away with more information leaflets than I could possibly need, but no futher clarification regarding trans-savvy psychologists, or other places I could go for a diagnosis. They do offer counselling but the centre isn't medically certified so they can't refer me to anyone, or administer medication or anything. Seeing as on that day, I was feeling perfectly fine - I didn't take up the counselling offer - but I may do - if I get desperate enough to travel across the city again. My parents also decided to let me know today that we will be moving - at the start of January, to a house that they bought on the weekend - near our farm. This is bloody annoying for me on two levels: A) - There won't be a lot of free cash for psych visits / HRT / whatever else I need - seeing as we'll now have two mortages. B) I want to stay here while I'm sorting this issue out - not 40min out of the city. Whether I end up seeing a psych regularly or not - all of the emergency counselling services are in the city, not 40min out of it. Plus I just can't deal with the headache of moving right now. I told a childhood friend in England about my current situation / possible trans-ness, and she's been really supportive. She wants to meet up this christmas, either here or in the UK - and I must say the offer is very tempting. We havn't seen each other in a loooonnngg time, and talking to her on the phone made me forget my depression for the rest of the day. But now that we've gone and bought this bloody country house, there probably won't be cash spare for me to fly to the UK. :icon_sad: and if we're moving in Jan I won't have the time anyway. :***: parents. :bang: I mean sure - they can't anticipate things I havn't told them about....but still - I've said I'm depressed - suicidal - self-harmy (although I havn't felt like that for nearly a week now) - you'd think that would be enough for them to reconsider moving. What irritates me more is that I only found out about this today :bang: they must have been planning for it longer than that - but they just couldn't be bothered to let me know! And then they want to get all hurt and indignant when they find out I've been depressed for months - and I didn't tell them. :dry: Ugh and here's where I am right now. This is what I need help with: I'm stuck and getting increasingly desperate. I just want someone to tell me if I am trans or not. I know this is something I have to discover myself, but I feel like I've done all the introspection / heart-searching I can, and I'm still not sure. I KNOW one isn't meant to rush these kinds of things, but I just feel if I don't get started on this soon - if I can't start making steps - and feeling like I'm addressing this I will explode. Everyday I feel more and more acutely aware that I just need to do SOMETHING NOW! NOW! The idea of waiting for another two weeks, while I see a psychologist is terrifying. I can't stand another day of sitting doing nothing - but I can't do anything else because everything has lost it's enjoyment. I guess deep down I just WANT to know if I'm trans. It's precisley the same problem that brought me to the forum. But despite the fact that I've been seeing the Doctor for nearly two weeks now, I feel I'm just no closer to getting someone to say: "your trans / Your not trans" That's all I want. Someone to deliver the diagnosis - and then I can damn well get on with living the rest of my life. At the moment all I do is sit in my room, thinking over this issue, again and again and again. Trying to pick up on clues or hint's that'll prove me right or wrong. I simply cannot even FORCE myself to do any of the hundreds of things my mum wants me to do. Even if my parents are clearly upset or angry - If I'm too busy pondering this issue - they may as well be talking to a brick wall. I don't have the drive or motivation to do anything at all now - unless it seems it'll help me determine my gender. Day after day things just get worse and worse. As each day passes it seems increasingly harder to cope with. I've tried distracting myself - with things I like - talking to friends - reading - art etc etc. But I just can't enjoy them anymore - I'm too busy thinking - "does this mean I'm a girl? Or not?" CONSTANTLY. It's gotten to the point where I can sit at the main forum page on EC - and just stare at it - unable to bring myself to even open a thread because I just don't have the will to do anything - and I want something to happen NOW! And now Dad wants us to go and spend 4 days working on the fences at the farm we need to sell to pay for the new place - and I can't even IMAGINE spending 4 days where I can't research psychologists, or heaven forbid, actually see one. I simply can't. I just know I'll get up to the farm - and then start to get really depressed - and simply be unable to do any of the work. This would be easier to cope with if it was constant. My feeling of depression, anxiety, and a need to define my gender fluctuate almost hourly, although always there is a mounting sense of time passing with no progress. One minute I can be mildly interested in a TV show, the next I can be bawling my eyes out. I'm sure this happens to a lot of people - but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with. These shifts in disposition are nearly always pre-empted by a change in my sense of identity, and I'm like a damn emotional roller-coaster - I can start the day fantastically and end it suicidally. And in between I've thoroughly managed to annoy my parents - because all I have the willpower to do is sit in front of my computer and try to distract myself or research TG stuff. I don't have a problem with being trans. At all. In fact I want to be, deep down. I'm just sick of every day feeling worse than the last. Of felling like I have to do everything right now - right this instant. I'm sick of feeling shitty and depressed - all because I can't make up my damned mind. Of walking down the street and feeling envious/sad every time I see a woman. I'm sick of hearing about trans-girls well on their way to transition - and envying them for it. Or of getting weird looks from my parents - or exasperated talks about how I can't keep sitting in my room ignoring them. I want to stop envying Fugs who was able to say the other day: "I'm a girl." I just want to waltz into a psych - sit down - have him/her say "you seem to be suffering from Gender Dysphoria" - and then tell my parents - start transitioning etc etc. I wanna do it NOW before I get even older - before my body-hair can get as thick as it used to be, before I have to sit and look at my face in the mirror one more time. i just wish I could decide. I know I need to decide for myself, I know I need to take my time. But I'm done taking my time - it's been nearly 5 years now - I'm just want to make a decision - so I can get started. So I can stop sitting here unable to do anything else. So I can stop worrying my parents and come out to them. So I can see my friends again, and enjoy myself again. So I can start exploring my feminine side some more. I enjoy that. For goodness sake - am I damn trans or not?! :tantrum: Idea's, comments? ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 05:01 PM ---------- Oh and to add to that post - which wasn't meant to be long. :rolle: I've been trying to distract myself by venting - playing games - reading books, but I find I can't even concentrate on fun stuff anymore. I can't draw. I just can't. None of my music moves me anymore. My writing's gone down the drain - it feels flat and uninspired. Even my posts on EC seem crappy. I haven't spoken to anyone on Skype or DevArt in a week - with the exception of my UK friend - and our conversation yesterday was interrupted because she fell asleep. :dry: Even posting on EC - or reading threads seems like an effort. I just want to know. I'm sure I already know somewhere in my mind deep down. - why can't I find that dark corner of my brain - and drag myself out from the darkness. I don't care if that person's a girl or not. Just let me get back to my life subconscious! ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 05:02 PM ---------- Oh and where the F*** are all my schoolfriends? I havn't spoken to one of them in two weeks :\
No-one's commented on this thread yet...and tonight is turning into a really bad night. I just tried to watch a movie (9) - and gave up half-way through. It was just boring. I considered switching to anime, but again - didn't feel like it. Ugh....no-one's online - my mother's bugging me with questions - I still don't know what I am, and I feel stressed and tired. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 06:10 PM ---------- The doctor asked me today if I have ever felt tired for no apparent reason - or anxious - or frustrated. I should have said yes - I'm feeling all of those things right now. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 06:11 PM ---------- There's so many new threads on EC - but I can't be bothered to click on any of them. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 06:15 PM ---------- I just read http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53824-being-lesbian-isnt-easy.html and I want to comment! She needs comments! But I can't! I just can't actually get myself to say anything. Here's person who needs help - who I CAN help. I've faced descrimination before. I want to help her. But I can't bring myself to actually type a thing. It's like I want to - and I don't want to - and I feel damn selfish for burying myself in my own problems. And now I'm crying about it. That was a crappy cry - my eyes are barley damp. I hate fucking not being able to cry. T^T
Look, I'm going to say this: I don't think cisgender people get happy at the idea of transitioning. Generally, the very idea is sort of horrifying. You, on the other hand, consistently express hope and excitement at the idea of transitioning. (In fact, that is the only time I have heard you express any positive feelings at all. And I've read a lot of long posts from you.) When you talk about being able to move forward, it's always about transitioning. You do not have any projection of the future that involves you continuing on as a man. You do not like that future, and find it depressing. You very much hope that you receive the diagnosis that will allow you to move forward with transitioning. You have not once mentioned hope in the other direction. You do not hope that your psychiatrist diagnoses you as being a cisgender person, so that you can put all these thoughts of being a woman behind you--you have not expressed that idea even once. You very clearly want to transition. Therefore, I think you are trans. In fact, if your psych says you are not trans, I think you should seek a second opinion, because it's pretty obvious to me that it's the wrong answer. The only time you sound at all hopeful is when you are talking about transitioning, because that's what you want to do. That means you are trans. At the very least, "trans" is the identity that will enable you to do what you want to, and transition. So I'd recommend embracing it, since all futures that don't involve transitioning apparently look bleak to you. You seem to just want someone else to confirm what you really already know. So, fine. You are trans, just like you think you probably are. (Incidentally, I'm pretty sure the counseling at the Gender Centre would have done this for you, which is why I keep pushing you to go there. Even if individual counseling sessions wouldn't do it, the group meeting would almost for sure. So, if my word isn't good enough, maybe go and see what the trans folk think.)
Sorry the comments are slow in coming - but, as you said, the post didn't exactly avoid the wordiness factor. :lol: Anyways, some thoughts on your situation: 1) While I totally understand that this is a pressing issue for you, and I'm sure it periodically overwhelms you in its urgency, the transition process is not a quick one, and the reality of the situation is that it will - sorry to use the phrase you've undoubtedly heard or told yourself so much - take time. It's a process involving lots of therapy, evaluations, etc., and while this has been an issue for you for 5 years, as you say, you're only now (from what I can tell) starting the steps that will ultimately lead to this transformation, or a realization that this transformation is or is not right for you. So, as agonizing as it may seem, be good to yourself, and understand that the people who are leading you through this more slowly than you like really do have your best interests at heart. (*hug*) 2) I'm interested in the fact that you want, to use your words, a "diagnosis" of yourself as trans or not. Traditionally, diseases and infections are diagnosed; transitioning from one gender to the other, on the other hand, doesn't strike me as a medical problem, exactly. Sure, it's an important change for you, and yes, it's creating problems in your emotional and physical life now, but I'm not ready to call it a disease. Because of this, you may never get a "diagnosis" - this may be a decision that you need to come to on your own, a process you need to decide to initiate. On the other hand, it sounds like you may want to talk to your therapist about anxiety issues, etc. (I don't know what to call it cause I'm not a licensed therapist, so definitely grain-of-salt this one, but there it is all the same). You're dealing with a lot of stress right now, and who wouldn't be buckling under the pressure a little bit? Learning ways of coping with it may be helpful for you, so ask about those next time you have an appointment. 3) The moving situation - while certainly inopportunely timed for you - may not turn out to be as bad of a problem as you suspect (just hear me out, lol). To begin with, while 40 minutes away isn't exactly convenient, it's still only 40 minutes. For something as important as this, it won't present a serious obstacle - you'll still be able to go back to the city for appointments, etc., right? And as far as other concerns, do you know for a fact that you won't have the money to visit your friend and so forth? Maybe it's a legitimate concern, but unless you have clear evidence to suggest so, try as hard as you can not to borrow trouble from hypothetical situations (easier said than done, I realize, but it's something we need to be able to train ourselves to do). All of which is to say, love yourself. Learn to love your feminine self if that's what you prefer, but in any case, give yourself time to become the person you know you need to be. As a completely nerdy suggestion, if you do end up having to spend time at the farm soon, think of it as a chance to get away from your current situation (which seems to be a source of great stress for you) and focus on thinking about this decision and the process that would result from it. People throughout history have retreated to the countryside (or desert or ocean) for purposes of self-awareness and introspection...maybe it will give you a little kick and allow you to think through these things more easily. Maybe not, too, but hey, it's worth a shot. And don't be afraid to tell your parents that you need to have some time to yourself now, or that you need to have a little fewer responsibilities than normal (although something to keep you occupied might not be all that bad). They already know you're seeing a therapist, so it's clear that you're dealing with depression, even if they don't know why. Asking for time to deal with it appropriately and perform the mental work involved doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Continued hugs. (*hug*) Hopefully the night gets better for you - keep posting if you're still around, I'll be up for a while yet.
hey look it's Ianthe My old friend - how are you? ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 06:54 PM ---------- Mmk Ianthe - If I'm not doing anything tomorrow I'll see if the Gender Centre's open again. Perhaps I just need to be bludgeoned by people telling me that I am trans before I accept it. I have no idea. See now - I'm excited and bouyed up by the fact that you think I'm trans - but I still can't quite accept it. There's a part of me kind of 'sticking'. It's stuck saying "you don't want to be hasty to classify yourself" and "you've been a guy all this time, are you sure your not just picking a different label for the sake of things." Or "being girly dosn't make you a girl." I really feel like there's two people in here still. Sometimes I FEEL female. I think differently and act differenlty, and just...feel....nice. And sometimes I just feel normal, and it's not any lesser than when I feel girly....or maybe it is....but I don't feel bad like that. I do hate my genitals - and the way I look - that much is clear.... And I do feel a crushing sense of needing to do SOMETHING - I don't know what it is. But I still can't say "I'm trans" or "I'm a girl" without feeling a tug of wrongness...perhaps it's uncertainty.... *sigh* I dunno when I'm going to sort this out..
I'm doing pretty well today, thanks! :icon_bigg Good, go in and talk to them. I really think it will help you. Now, is this statement true or false: You want to be trans, because then you would get to transition and become a woman.
To gravity: I use the term diagnosis - to refer to a medical - professional - acknowledgement of the gender dysphoria I think I have. That is to say - a professional actually telling me that I am trans. As opposed to me just saying I think I might be. Of course I'm not trying to imply that being tans is some kind of malady. Therapist? What therapist? .-. The move is just bloody annoying. Really. I don't want to move. Especially not now. I'll be starting uni etc etc. And while 40min isn't far - it is if you can't drive......like me.... As for meeting up with my friend - financial issues are semi-confirmed. As in I mentioned the idea to my mother today, and said that I'd like to go and visit my friend. Her response was: "And what about air fares?" I said that I know they'd be expensive, but surely this would be the ideal time to do it - before I go to uni. Mum's reply was that she knew the finances, and it wouldn't be an "option" right now. I will try to make the farm my "mental kick in the teeth" and see if I get any closer to deciding what I am. I think I'm realising this is really a decision I have to make - not something someone else will make for me.... I'm just having trouble dragging myself out from that little closet in my mind. Thanks again gravity. I've got dinner now - I"ll post after that. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 08:29 PM ---------- Ianthe - Uhm... Well.... I dunno.... I want to be trans because.....it sounds like me? It seems to awnser a lot of the strange things in my life. And yes...I want to transition... I'm not sure if I want to be a woman exactly....I guess....see my feeling about this shift around a lot. And now isn't a very good time - I'm all depressy - and I've been in guy-mode all day. Perhaps I'll try awnsering you again when my girl side kicks in around 2AM XD ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 08:44 PM ---------- Also - Ianthe - could I drag you into the chat room sometime? I'm sure we could deal with a lot of stuff if I could talk to you directly....
Hi there While I can't help you with your main issue, I do want to say that it's important to make sure that your parents really understand how serious your current situation is. Trans or not, you're still very depressed and anxious. They need to recognize that, even if they are confused about why you feel that way. Make sure that the next time you talk to them about this, you make it clear to them. Perhaps saying things like "This is very important to me and I really need your help to get through this" will make that clear. When I was in high school, I confessed to my parents that I had been depressed and having suicidal thoughts for years. I wanted to go to therapy. They told me to pray about it. I love my parents, but I can't tell you how much I resent them for that. A lot of unnecessary pain could have been avoided if they had just taken me seriously many years ago. And I think if you make sure that your parents know how important and serious this is, they will do their best to help you in anyway that they can. It might be difficult with the move and with money being tight, but your peace of mind should be far more important to them. They want a psychiatrist they can trust, but you should be able to trust him/her too. You're the one that's going to be in therapy! If you want to see someone from the list of trans-friendly psychiatrists, say that your doctor understands your concerns and came up with this list to fit your particular set of needs, you trust his judgment, and you wouldn't feel comfortable going to someone outside of his list. Hopefully, that will help you out. Good luck
Thanks throw. Nice Avatar. I have told them precisley that. That this is an issue, that it's really important to me, and that I need their help to get through it. That was the starting point of our 5 hour conversation - and it was the ending point too. I can tell they're still having trouble coming to grips with it. But they are helping - they said I can see a psych - and dad came home this afternoon and made a point of asking my how my day REALLY was. As for picking a psych - I have made it clear to them that I need a say in it and I want someone from the list - basically becasue my doctor suggested it. They havn't said anything since. I guess I"ll just wait to see what happens when I go to choose a psych tomorrow. They do seem to be trying to help. And I'm thankful for that. - but it's not helping with my over-arching problem of not feeling any progress on this issue.
hey man (i hope the term man doesn't offend you, i say "man" to everyone regardless of gender, it's a term of endearment ) i am really sorry you are going thru all of this. i am a gay man who is really comfortable with himself and really happy to be a man, so it IS difficult to try to understand where you are coming from and where you want to go, however i will make this very easy to figure out for yourself so you can get to enjoying life. i don't want to sound disrespectful, however i like to just SOLVE things, if that helps.. just make it simple, i don't know your situation, but like i said just solve it. so let's go.. are you more happy being a guy? or are you more happy being a girl? is there one you gravitate more towards or are you in the middle? if you are indeed in the middle, well AWESOME, let's go with that. why not have some femininity AND some masculinity, why make it so black and white, man or woman you know? let's take some qualities from men and some from women, and mold them into something new, which is yourself i guess for me it's hard to understand because i don't get why you are so confused. you must feel that you are indeed 1 or the other right? or perhaps you feel some of both, so there is your answer. you aren't male or female, but both, which is actually a beautiful rarity and sure to please many people out there . . just do what MAKES YOU HAPPY. i guess for me i live off of happiness so it's really easy to get to that state for me, i do whatever i need to get myself happy and positive. you shouldn't want someone else to tell you what you are, you should feel it inside you. there are people with feminine AND masculine qualities at the same time, you know . . . i respectfully need to wrap this up politely because i am falling behind with my school-work but i really wanted to just put my spin on this and make it simple for you. be what YOU want to be, you know? be a bit of both. maybe get female genitals but keep a "manly" exterior? maybe get female genitals, look female on the outside, but on the inside be masculine and gruff? just BE HAPPY! the parent issues i will have to come back and reply, i don't know them however if your dad is a "good man" and respectful and kind to you, i don't think he would hesitate to let you "be on your own" instead of doing the fences with him. just tell him you aren't into it, let him know you are depressed and that you don't want to get into it yet (unless of course you want to let him know, again i don't know what your goals are yet regarding your parents) . . alright let me know what you want to be, is it 1 or the other or a bit of both? remember there aren't too many people out there rocking both man and woman so get out there and DO IT and start attracting all the people you want to attract into your life ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 03:54 AM ---------- Hey man I went back and read some of your other posts here and this one hit the nail on the head perfectly!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN SOME "PROFESSIONAL" . . You have to realize as cheesy or as "corny" as it might sound, you have to just "grow some balls" and realize YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! you don't need someone in a professional attire sitting behind a bunch of scribbled notes (no disrespect to psychs) to somehow tell you what you are, hell you KNOW what you are. you are creating this whole "i don't know" drama that doesn't need to be there. you DO know what you are, so stop telling us you don't!! and you don't need someone else to clarify that for you, OK!!!! there, i can be your online psych from now on ahaahaa ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 03:57 AM ---------- there, you said it! there you go, that is the first step to becoming the person you truly want to be inside. TRUST YOURSELF and your instincts, they don't lie
Just came out of another long discussion with my parents. Highlights of this fireside chat: "I don't feel like you've known me for the past 6 years at least." Dad: - you know there Isn't anything I can think of that would be more insulting to a parent. Go on then. Mr Misunderstood, tell the two people who love you, who you are. "I don't know." Dad: - well that'd damned convenient now isn't it. You have this crystal ball. It's this perfect way of looking at things, that lets you say 'none of this is my fault' your so wrapped up in yourself, that use this malaise to try and find an excuse fore everything. Your even willing to argue that you don't know who you are. "Well maybe you should tell me who I am - seeing as you beleive that you've known me for the 6 years I don't think you have." Dad: - Well...I know it's probably not the answer your looking for, you probably want to know what sort of personality you have. But you are my son - *name ommited* *To myself*: - oh if only it were that simple Dad. Oh and to end the session well we had this pearl: Dad: - No matter what, we love you. Remember that son. Your the young man in our lives... Me: - but I don't want to be a young man. Dad: Oh? Hahahah well what do you want to be then? Me: - I wanna stay a boy forever. Dad+Mum: - Hahahahahahahhah Me: - hahah *I go back to my room* So yeah "Well why don't you tell me
It sounds like you are trans to me, and that's okay. I don't really have any answers because I still don't know what I'm doing. I will always be here for you though, so remember that. I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel okay and happy with yourself. You can always talk to me, I will always be there and even if I might not know what to say I'll still listen. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
Oh - but I did get something useful out of that horrible chat. I think their right. A psychologist won't be the "magic bullet" i want them to be. I want to march into someone's office and have them tell me I"m trans in an hour or two. It's not going to happen. I don't know who I should see instead - but a psych isn't the person. _ ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 11:15 PM ---------- *hugs Fugs* Same to you :3 ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 11:43 PM ---------- Mhm - Thanks Deephouse. In many ways your right. I'll start with the fencing because that's the easiest to address :3 My dad asked me right before I went to bed If I wanted to do anything else with him for those four days - instead of fencing. I couldn't come up with anything (because I"m all depressy) and I DO need the money he's offering - and it would be the right thing to do - the family would just have to pay more for a proper professional to come in and do it. So I guess I'm fencing. As for your whole be true to yourself thing... I think I am realising that a psych isn't really going to be able to do what I want. Decide for me what I am. I have to do that myself - in fact I've already probably decided - I just need to draw it out from myself. As for why I keep referring to a binary split between the two genders - I guess it's go a lot to do with coming out to my parents. I really quite like the idea of coming out to them - but I can't see how on earth I'd do it if I said: "Mum, dad I'm a boy and a girl." Instead of "I'm a girl." Other than that - of course I have no qualms with being inbetween. The other reason is that my feeling fluctuate quite a bit. At sometimes I'll feel really feminine. Like a proper girl. Other times I'll feel normal (which for me isn't that masucline) - sometimes I'll be halfway in between. I do seem to like the girl-times better...but I'm just not sure >.< And even if I do - that dosn't nessacarily make me a girl..... The second part
11 11 11, I can understand exactly what you are going through. Sometimes I can't determine whether or not I'm trans either. And believe me, it sucks. But know this: only you can decide whether or not you're trans. When you do girl things, do you feel like yourself; in other words do you feel happy? Do you feel like you fit in with the rest of the girls? Somebody playing with Barbie Dolls when they were younger DOES NOT determine gender identity. Whoever says that is wrong. It's all about who you think you are, how you see yourself in the future. Do you get a secure feeling when you feel see yourself as a female or as a male. It's about what you want to do. Anyway, that's what I think of it. I hope you feel better. (*hug*)
Thanks djstcktn326 :3 Hugs you back. As for when I do girl things - I've never really done exclusively "girlish" things except perhaps for when I was young, and yes back then, I felt happy / comfortable doing them. As for fitting in with the other girls, I've been at an all boys school for the past 5 years - so I've barley interacted with girls, and before then, my previous school had a pretty rigid gender divide. I do suppose this is something that I should have mentioned before, but I haven't had a girl as a friend for over 6 years now :eusa_doh: I've been longing for female company all that time - never in the romantic sense though - always because I simply thought that girls make better freinds. One of my childhood friends surprised me the other day, when I was talking to her about my possible trans-ness. She said: "That doesn't really surprise me, you've always been more comfortable around girls." I was kinda shocked at first, and I asked her: "how did you notice?" She said: "You used to go on about it all the time, girls are better at this, guys suck at that...." I LOL'd. As for picking out my gender....I just feel horribly confused. I haven't felt girly in nearly 3 days now, and I must admit I'm really missing it...Before my problem was I couldn't decide if I was Trans all the time, now my problem is that I can't decide if I'm really Trans or just jealous of women.
