I'm in the Gay-Straight Alliance at my college. I hang out with these LGBT/allied friends once a week. I've been having some problems with them and it's bugging me. There's a gay guy (Carl) that likes to use gay slurs and jokes about LGBT people (ironic, I know). It kind of bothers me. He always calls me a lesbian, a dyke, or a carpetmuncher. I don't mind being called a lesbian since that's not a slur. I never told him I identify as a lesbian though so it is kind of annoying. I never voluntarily came out to most of the people in the GSA in fact. He found out because another member told him I am gay. I never told them they could broadcast my sexuality. Most of the members just asked me if I was gay in front of other people so I was put on the spot. The words "dyke" and "carpetmuncher" kind of get to me. Today Carl called another friend a "bull dyke" which I thought was offensive. He thinks it's a joke and he often calls guys "flamers". He doesn't use the term "fag" as often as he uses "carpetmuncher", but he has used it. Isn't that kind of weird for a gay guy to use those words? I know he is kidding and I enjoy having him as a friend but I've seen those words used in hateful ways (as I think we all have). I hate being called a carpetmuncher and dyke because it makes me feel gross. My sister used to use the word dyke a lot and it sucked. I punched her once for calling Ellen Degeneres a dyke. Another thing that has bothered me was this>>> After Carl called me a carpetmuncher, he said "Oh well I bet you're not a real carpetmuncher yet." Then, a lesbian friend (Katy) asked "Wait, are you a real carpetmuncher?" She was basically asking if I have had oral sex in front of 4 other people. My face turned bright red and I didn't know what to say. Katy's girlfriend said to drop it because it was my personal business and she could tell I was embarrassed. Carl didn't pursue the question. He moved on to another topic. But Katy said "No, you have to answer. Have you (goes into detail about oral sex)?" I tried to answer very quietly so the badgering could just be over. It was embarrassing to explain to Katy and the others that I have kind of had oral sex. Then Katy asked why I didn't go all the way with the oral sex. My first sexual experience ended badly so I don't like talking about it even with my gay friends. It brought up some bad memories. The members of the GSA are my friends and I love them but..... I feel like they ask too many questions and put me on the spot. I've been asked by most of them about my sexual orientation. I only came out (without being questioned first) to one member. It was really satisfying to be able to come out to him without anyone questioning or badgering me about coming out of the closet. They also tend to "out" me to everyone in the group. There's a straight girl that I think is attractive. I know nothing would ever happen but I didn't want her to know I'm gay yet because I liked that she didn't think differently about me. Idk, I kind of wanted to come out to her on my own. But the other members outed me to her so now she knows. She was cool about it and pretended to flirt with me but it was really awkward/disappointing for me that she already knows I'm gay. It's like they took away my moment. They do this all the time. It's not new for me to be outed but I kind of wanted to move at my own pace in the GSA. All the questions they ask and slurs Carl uses are bothering me and I don't know where else I can talk about it. Thanks to those who have any advice or similar stories. Sorry this is kind of long... I know this might sound too whiny. :dry:
Sorry to hear the experience is a bit rough - hopefully GSA-type groups will be a positive place for you in the future. If not, well, it's not the only type of gay community around, and you can find another. Some thoughts on Carl and other group members: There's a long tradition of gay people (and other minority groups) re-appropriating offensive terminology for use within their own communities - I'm sure some examples spring to mind. He may just be doing this and thinking that he's being very clever and socially aware in doing so. And he is, to a point - but I don't think that he has any business appropriating terms for gay women/lesbians, especially when he doesn't know them well enough to be sure they won't be offended. Even if everyone else in the group is fine with it, if he's not sure about one other person than he should be holding back. Oh well. I would try to be more assertive in the group - being outed is one thing, cause people tend to expect other gay people to be open in those groups (although even this may be a bit of an assumption), but they certainly have no business asking you details of your sex life, especially if you don't want to talk about it. If they ask you anything like that again, all you owe them is "I don't feel comfortable talking about that." If they press it despite your resistance, well then you can find better people to hang around with (not to be blunt, but hey). Best wishes! I hope it turns around, or that you can manage to get some of them to change their behavior, at least in your presence.
Rude, very rude. My big joining the gay scene thing has been joining a lesbian choir. I seem really straight to people, so the lesbians in the choir didn't assume I was gay (although straight people generally do assume I am when I tell them about the choir, which I'm pretty glad about since it makes coming out a lot easier). But even though I know they were all wondering, only two ever actually asked me. One was a friend of mine, and she asked me in a context that made sense, and in a private conversation via Internet chat--and it was kind of indirect too. Like, the conversation had come to be about dating in some oblique way, and she asked me, using really vague language, whether I liked men or women. I mean, it was so vague that it took me a minute to figure out what she was getting at. Frankly, I thought that was a little odd. I mean, I joined a choir with the word "Lesbian" in the name of it. I perform on stage as part of a lesbian-identified group. How, in that context, could I possibly be offended by someone asking me if I might be a lesbian? But this is how ingrained it is in the culture that you do not ask. So your friends are committing a major faux pas in queer etiquette. The other time someone asked me, I was really offended. Mainly, I was offended because of how she worded it: Her: "So, you're one of the six straight people in the choir, right?" Me: Um, no... (The assumption that I was straight really pissed me off in the context of the lesbian-identified choir.) But you'll notice, she still didn't ask if I was gay, really. She presumed that I was straight, and was just confirming it. So, yeah, your friends are being really rude. You should feel free to call them on it, and give them a lesson in gay manners. (I can't imagine any context whatsoever where it would be polite to badger someone about their sexual experience. That's beyond rude, it's actually kind of abusive. You could probably report her for harassment, especially if she does that sort of thing a lot.) I'm sorry you're having this experience. GSAs are supposed to be safe spaces.
