I had a very real opportunity this afternoon to come out to my girlfriend. Let me start by saying she knows I like boys. She expressed that she worries about my orientation a lot. Her fear is that I'm suppressing my desires to be with guys and that if I keep it up it will come out in more destructive ways. "How gay are you?" she asked me. She also proposed that perhaps we should come up with a special arrangement so that I can fulfill my desires and her and I remain solid. I was so tempted to just say "I'm very gay" but I couldn't something stopped me. I wimped out. She's afraid that I'm repressing just how gay I am because it's easier. She's right. I don't want to tell my family or change my lifestyle for that matter and I'm lucky in a way; it's relatively easy for me to be straight. I have love and respect for women and I want to have a family some day. The big problem is sex but I can deal. Of course in an ideal world I'd be myself, I'd be living with a man and it would be easy. One of the last things she said was "it's okay if your gay." it made me smile and feel shame. I'm ashamed that despite having someone be so understanding I can't just come out and say it. WTF. I don't think the special arrangement can really work long term. What I really crave is intimacy not just sex.
You have to tell her. And you have to break up with her. Really. If you continue on this way and get married, things are going to be much worse later on. You can have a family as a gay man as well, if that's what you want. And she deserves to be with someone who can love her and desire her the way that a partner should. All that said, most of us have experienced the "I just can't say it" thing. Maybe you could write a letter and come out that way.
look dude, even your gf knows. and she is understanding. so this is a perfect chance to come clean with her if you want to. the special arranagment would not work. just tell her that you dont want to hurt her and so making an arrangement wouldn't work but you really need a friend right now as u try and sort thru this stuff. she told u its ok. now just come out to her when u are ready. if u are young, try and get this gay stuff out of the way now so you can live your life. by doing this now, you can move on from it if it is not for u and u can have the wife and kids. if it is for u, u will know that too and you can have the husband and kids.
The big problem, as you've (maybe) unintentionally pointed out, is not just sex. It's that you want a different life than the one you're living right now. Don't be ashamed of not being able to come out yet though. As welcoming as other people can be, coming out is also largely about accepting yourself for who you are, so if you have extra work to do before that stage, that's your deal and your path. Embrace it!
As others have suggested, try writing a letter to her: you might find it easier to compose yourself that way. I don't think it's easier being closeted. It's more difficult, because you haven't accepted yourself and others haven't accepted you for who you are as a beautiful, gay human being. Don't be ashamed to come out, but do it when you're comfortable: in your own time and on your own terms. Hope this helps, Doctor Faustus.
I have to agree with Doctor Faustus just because how I lived my life before I came out. It gets really old on having to live to lifes.
