going to be 100 percent honest here. i hate being gay. can't stand it at all.

Oh don't even worry about it. Just give it some time.

In the meantime I honestly would suggest deleting all of your porn and to stop masturbating. 100% serious on this one. Like very serious. Read my thread in the health and whatever thing and you'll see. It may seem like a pseudo-science, because really it is, but it REALLY has affected my outlook very positively and I'm not even that far in.

 

Eh, I'm not sure if anything I have to say would make you feel better.. or whatnot, but I hope that this site has been good for you and your "venting" -- it's good that you are talking about this, even if it doesn't feel like it's getting you anywhere..

First off, I think it's amazing that you're being honest with yourself and trying to explore who you are.. a lot of people live in denial and that you've come to a place like this and are talking is a good step. Secondly, I think there is a lot of internalized hate about being anything that does not conform to society's expectations, we live in a heteronormative society (that tells you that you are not "normal" unless you enjoy a purely heterosexual life) and that just cos you've come out to yourself and tried on your supposedly "gay shoes" doesn't mean that all of these things you've been taught to feel will just go away..

I guess what I want to say is that living a lie and feeling sick about that on a daily basis sounds awful to me, and while I was lost trying to find some kind of label to stick to my forehead (and avoiding the awful connotations attached to being called a bisexual) I felt quite unsure..but in the end, I think the truth just sorta set me free.. as for how your family and friends will view you.. sometimes the people we love and care about the most let us down, or act in ways we never expected (for the good or bad) and you'll never know how your life will be until you make/or if you make the choice to be who you are and to stand strong with it..

I'm sorry my friend, that you feel this way..and I don't have tons of answers for you.. I've always known I was different and I've always been secretly proud, and until I got to uni, I wasn't completely open cos I worried about what my friends and family would say.. but idk, haha, life is too short for me to worry about my own happiness affecting others. But that's just me -- no one should be able to tell you how to live.. but we're all here for you, that's what this site is for..

I hope you find the advice and path and comfort you are looking for..

tc

 

23.

As for the masturbation, I felt the opposite. Going into it with no intentions, aside from not rewarding myself for doing nothing, it's been a big positive.

If my above response sounded arrogant I didn't mean it that way. But ignoring all of your anxiety is going to be your ultimate solution and the sooner you let that paper monster stop threatening you the better.

 

Dude I have no idea where I'm at in terms of accepting but...I get you. I imagine how much simpler life would be if I'm not gay all the fucking time. How much of a douchebag player I'd be if I was straight... not to be narcissistic or anything but girls practically throw themselves at me - literally ask for sex, but I just make up excuses.

It's too bad because I'm pretty much gay and trapped in the closet. I tried to sleep with a girls once...but nothing (too much anxiety and no attraction). Life is shit...I'm feeling all kinds of lonely now. I have friends but I can't connect with any of them. I bonded with one but then I go and get all gooey on the guy... It all feels so wrong.

Meh...

 

My 2 cents.

You are torn between two considerations, and the conflict is driving you nuts: how do *you* feel about your sexuality, and how does/will/would other people feel about your sexuality.

This is one of those times when you need to think 100% selfishly first, and then, slowly, start to think about others.

You've recognized your sexuality...doesn't sound like you're struggling with that. It's accepting yourself that you are struggling with. Y'know what? You're the only you you've got...so you might as well like the person. But if you're having trouble with that, work on *why* you find this disgusting. Homosexuality occurs in most mammalian species on the planet (and probably most others too), so it's certainly not unnatural. So what exactly is the source of the disgust?

Is it at odds with religious upbringing? Something your parents rail against? Your friends? Just the general societal wash that says that homosexuality is wrong? Figure that one out. (You may well know already.) Then learn to accept that religious officials, parents, friends, (gods, certainly) society can all be wrong, can be misguided...it's happened before with all of those.

But for the moment, forget what your friends, family, etc. will think. Focus on what you think. But not just the thought...focus on the *reason* for the thought, and who/what put it there. 'Cause we're not programmed to hate ourselves...when we hate ourselves, that hate originates outside...and no hate is good.

First learn to love yourself. Then worry about how to get family and friends to do that too.

 

Well, there's no shame in being scared about that -- I think that's part of the human condition, and we all feel that way.. I get that about the trust thing, I have had some really awful experiences with family, friends and even people I've dated -- even after I came out to everyone -- but I've also had some surprisingly good experiences.. and sometimes the people who walked away from me were people I was better off without.. but that's just me again.

On the one hand I wanna say have some faith in the people in your life, they may come around, after they see that you're still you, only you're showing more of yourself to the world than before.. and on the other hand, I have no idea how it'll all go down.. I guess all I can say is take it one step at a time and do what you feel is right, sometimes it's worth the risk of being honest, sometimes its best to not make a fuss over labels with every person in your life..

As for your homie whom you've lost trust in but still have love for, I guess it's about forgiving and not forgetting.. if it was me, I may bring it up later on, just to clear the air.. but don't lose all hope in humanity, we mess up plenty, but hey--we keep trying, ne?

That's gotta mean something positive.. never give up and all that jazz..

night

---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2011 at 11:21 PM ----------

That advice has to worth at least a dime.. and I quite agree..

goodluck y'all

 

I think many of us have been in that situation. I know i was. I hated it so much that i literally wanted to kill myself because i thought it would just be easier. But obviously i didnt and im happy i didnt. I didnt like being gay and i may sound like a bitch but i would cry because i didnt want to be this way. I would imagine my life easier being straight. But i couldnt change that. One night i cracked and i cried a lot i beat myself up all night for being gay and finally realizing i was. And i found this site and after that it started helping me get over it and accepting it. I think what you just need to do is give it time. You will feel better after you come out and accept it more. im not saying this just to make you feel better but because i been through this. hope this helps.

 

im honestly in the same place, because I cant come out to anyone because I hate the fact that I'm bi, I'm hardly even bi I'm really essentially gay and cant accept it. I wish I lived in a place where its normal to be gay and weird to be straight (don't we all). But being in college, acting as I do its very hard to deal with being in the closet forever. It also doesnt help that I have a lot of guy friends that I find attractive lol. And i've also had that problem while masturbating sadly =/

Ughh sorry I vented on ur post =P but I'm just saying your not alone. I'm still learning how to deal as you are too, and one day (whenever it comes) we'll figure it out.

 

Hi Needshelp

I feel for you,i remember being where your at now, but i was about fifteen years older than you,i continued hiding for another month or two,but i got to the point that it was on my mind 24/7.Once i realized that this big secret was eating me up inside i forced myself to go out where i knew i could find someone/anyone who was gay just to talk to,well the barman was gay and i got talking to him and came out for the first time,that feeling was awsome,within the next week i was out to most people that mattered including my homphobic father.Everyone i told took it well and nothing much has changed.

Well,after my autobiography,my advice for you would be to push yourself to meet others who are gay,see that it is possible to be gay and happy,also, accepting and being comfortable with others like you will help you to accept and be comfortable with yourself.As far as coming out goes,you will know when you are ready to tell someone,but in the meantime you could decide who that person will be,weigh up who seems most accepting,keep a secret etc.

When you feel ready to come out,DO IT because it eats you up,makes you deppresed and putting it off doesnt help.When telling someone,keep it calm,confident and to the point,basicaly if you dont make a big deal about it,the person your telling wont make a big deal of it.

Please remember,you have nothing to be ashamed of,you have every right to live your life happily, whether you happen to be gay or not should not stop you from living a happy full life.You cant live your life just to avoid dissapointing others.You will have dissapointed your parents before(bad grades,in trouble,smoking,drinking etc)but things move on,they may be dissapointed at you being gay,but they will get used to it,after all,you are coming out for YOU not them.

Good luck and do whats right for you.

 

there are fives stages of grief and loss

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance.

it sounds as though you denied things at first, then you went into anger, then you tried to bargain thinking that some attraction to women would make things aight but it didn't, and now you are in the depression and acceptance stage. you can move back and forth between all these stages. watching porn makes you feel gross and dirty because first of all when you think about it, porn is not loving, its usually not emotional, its about someone randomly (f$$cking). so if you really want something emotional, lovoing, and special with a guy, you are going to feel dirty when watching porn because you know its not what you really want but you are watching it because you have no outlet to acdtually get what you may want.