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Sinking So Low...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BlueFoxfireS8, Nov 23, 2011.

  1. BlueFoxfireS8

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    It's near the end of term again at school and, like always, the optimism I had for a new start is so far down the drain now. I just don't get it. I always start school with such high hopes that the things I battled with before are gone for good then every single time it hits me right back but twice as hard. I just can't seem to get over myself and solve my own problems. I've discussed it with my counselor; I admitted my self-hate. I'd just really rather shoot myself in the face than be fair in judging me and funny thing is, I have a very small tolerance for pain; I can't take a needle even for blood tests without freaking out first. I can't even measure when I stand on this anymore, I just feel so opposite everyone I know. I know exactly where this comes from; I was constantly mocked and openly blamed for things I didn't know anything about as a kid regardless of my innocence AS a kid at that, but where I am now, I just refuse to reconcile with myself; I couldn't help but agree with everyone's hate of me.

    I'll be honest, I don't really know what I want from telling you guys this but I'm just bleeding so much inside right now and all I'm doing is just pulling my wounds wider. I don't know what to do, if this is all I get every time I try to do good then everyone is right; I am nothing more than a waste of space and a burden.
     
  2. Lexington

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    "Once a hit, always a threat" is a phrase I bandy about. And although it's about a different topic, I think it applies here, too.

    It's easy to think (and hope) that tomorrow will be problem-free. That you'll be beyond whatever ails you right now, and once you get there, it'll be sunshine lollipops and rainbows. But each successive day has its own challenges, and sometimes, that demon you thought you'd conquered starts waking up again. It sounds like, with you, it sort of feeds on itself. You thought you were over the self-doubt and self-hate...but then you get a bit back, and you hate yourself for feeling that way, which builds the self-hate...

    If you're still seeing the counselor, talk to him about that. (If you're not, go back.) You need to accept that not only are you worthwhile, you're also human. We ALL feel that way to some degree at some times, but that doesn't make us all a burden or a waste of space. It makes us human. And hopefully with a bit of time and effort, you can accept that. I accept that I'm a grade-A klutz, and can fly off the handle with no warning, and can be exceptionally selfish, and a bunch of other "failings" and "flaws" on my part. I may not be happy about them, and I may strive to do better at them. But I accept them. They're part of who I am. Hopefully, you can get to that point too. Feel that you're worthwhile not by denying your "flaws", but by accepting them as part of the package.

    Lex
     
  3. Jim1454

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    The thing I've learned is that the greater my expectations - of myself, of others, of work, of things - the greater the likelyhood for disappointment. I guess this is similar to what Lex is saying. Accept your flaws. Don't set expectations for yourself that are unrealistic. You're not perfect - and nobody else is perfect either.

    So if you set expectations that "this semester is going to be great!" you're likely to be disappointed. Not that you should expect the worst either. Instead, accept life as life is presented to you each day - just one day at a time. Make the best of it. Don't build up tomorrow, and don't dwell on yesterday. Focus on today - to make it the best day that you can.