This is my first post here (I think) and after what happened last night, I really need to get this out and get some advice. I'm a pre-Op transsexual (FtM) and for my entire life, I have felt as if I was living a lie, living as a girl. I hate it so much, and after puberty hit, I hated and despised it to a point so unexplainable, that I started having violent fantasies about what I'd do to my reproductive system (because it was female) and how I would go about becoming male. I started self-injuring in third grade, but back then I simply beat and bit myself. I started cutting at the end of seventh grade. I'm in eighth now. My mom caught me last night, and when she did, she was :***: I burst into tears and because you know moms, I had to tell her the truth about being transsexual. She put her head in her hand, and acted all distressed and said something about us (myself and siblings) running her into the grave. I feel how she went about the SI was insulting, and now I feel like a piece of shit. She kept telling me all these lies about how "they would lock me up" if they knew I cut. :dry: And now, I feel really sick to my stomach, because I don't know what she's going to do. I am afraid that if I eat I'll puke it back up. I can't go to her again. No. I couldn't go to her before, and though she says I can talk to her about anything, I feel more distant and depressed than before. :help:
Okay, this really isn't the appropriate response to discovering your child is hurting themselves. First of all, you really should get professional help for your cutting. Second, while you're at it, find a therapist who also specializes in gender identity or transgender issues. Also, change the color of your text, please. You're blinding me!
Sorry about the text colour. That's exactly what I was thinking when this went down, and it made it worse. Oh so much worse. I wanted to say something about it, but I was bawling to much to.
Welcome to EC! First off, try not to hold too big a grudge against your mother. Remember way back, when you first had the vaguest inklings that you disliked your gender? But weren't sure what was going on? That's where SHE is. You've had years to come to grips with this, and she had about five minutes. She presumably verbalized a lot of things that you may have thought at the time - how horrible it all was, etc etc. That said, yes, she could've been a hell of a lot more supportive. But what's done is done. The best move now is to work on getting you to a better place. You might approach your mother about finding a therapist. I wouldn't emphasize your gender issues necessarily if your mother is really freaked about that (hard to tell from your post). Instead, focus on the self-injury. Say "I'd really like to stop, but I think I may need help. I'd like to go see a therapist to help me get beyond that." That might be the right tactic to helping you go in that direction. Lex
It's a shame your mother reacted that way. She was right about being hospitalized for cutting though. The worry with cutting is that it's easy to cut too deep and end up killing yourself. Being admitted to the hospital isn't a response that most counselors, etc want to jump to, but if they feel that you're in danger they won't hesitate to have you admitted for a few days. In Ohio the minimum is 72 hours. Cutting is dangerous and reckless. And it's really hard to stop. The last time I cut I ended up with seven stitches and a hospital stay. Please get help to stop cutting. In the meantime, try distracting yourself when you feel like cutting...read a book, draw a picture, do a craft, TALK TO SOMEONE, take a walk. Anything to keep you from cutting. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope that you find the support that you need.
It's true that your mom didn't find the best way to express herself to you. But try to think of it this way: she has just found out that, in her mind, you are not the same person she always thought you were. She hasn't had time to get used to it yet. She doesn't have any idea how to deal with it. She is probably lashing out at you because she's scared for you and she feels a loss of control of the situation. Give your mom some time to think and cool down, and hopefully she will start to come around. When you have the chance to speak to her calmly again, tell her some of the things you've described to us about how it has felt for you to have to live as a girl. Reassure her that you're the same person inside that you've always been - you just feel differently about your outsides. I hope things start to go better for you.
