Staying in the closet

I went back and read your other thread, and I'm afraid I'm going to be a little bit harsh with you. Apologies in advance. So here goes...

What you're basically asking is, "How can I live the rest of my life lying to everybody around me and hiding who I really am, without letting it affect me emotionally in any significant way?"

The answer to that question, bluntly, is: You can't. You can't have it both ways.

Whether you are able to accept it now or not, there will come a point where you will have to choose. The choice will be between the pain of coming out and possibly losing people close to you, and the pain of holding your truth hostage inside yourself forever.

You are clearly not ready to come out right now, and there is nothing wrong with that. You have a long way to go towards accepting yourself and being confident in who you are before you will be ready to do that. But you must understand that staying in the closet will never be comfortable or easy. That's why people do come out despite threats, ridicule, danger of violence, rejection, disgust, anger, hatred... they come out anyway, because they reach a point where it is worse to hide than to face their fear.

I hope you are able to find your way. (*hug*)

 

I have to second Chandras post,the closet is a very unhealthy place to be on a long term basis.

It would be a great move forward for you if you could change your mindset and accept that you are not ready to come out yet,but you are willing to work on it for the future.Positive thinking is far healthier than your negative thoughts about"never" coming out.Just remember to give a few thoughts to your own health,needs,mental health etc before making such drastic decisions.

As you become more comfortable with who you are and maybe meet some more gay people you may see things from a very differant perspective,so at least keep an open mind.

Good luck

 

I'll start by seconding everything Chandra said - staying in the closet is perpetually crazy-inducing, there's no such thing as a calm closeted life - but I also recognize that you're not comfortable living any sort of "out" life right now. So a few thoughts on how to deal with this in the short term:

1) I would recommend seeing a counselor if at all possible. You don't need to tell anyone why, and they're obligated not to share patient information with anyone, so it would be a good place to find a release that will help you cope with the stress of a closeted life. Just be upfront with them at the beginning - you're not interested in coming out, you're just here to deal with the stress of your situation, and they'll engage you in that. If they pressure you and make you feel uncomfortable, find a different counselor.

2) If you can find someone to tell elsewhere in life - a friend or whatever - I highly suggest you do so. Anyone you can trust and be able to talk to will be, again, a huge relief. Think about pressure cookers - they have a valve to release the steam that builds up inside. You'll need one too.

3) Don't feel like this should cut you off from other gay (or bi or whatever) people. Stay in contact as much as you can - keep posting on here, read books about being in the closet (fiction or non-fiction, whatever floats your boat - I can suggest a few if you like). And don't feel like you can't meet other gay men and even date or something - not that dating in the closet is easy, quite the contrary - but you should know that there are other people out there in exactly your situation. Go find them.

4) Never forget that, while you can't do anything about being gay (as you've learned), living in the closet is a choice you are making. The longer you stay in the closet, the more resentful you're going to become of people who are not closeted or straight or otherwise living an open life. So just remember not to be angry at them for it, or resent them for it - you are the one choosing to give that up for the foreseeable future. If need be, wear something - a ring, a wrist band, an ankle bracelet, whatever - to remind yourself.

So, again - not disagreeing with anything said above. Make no mistake, this is going to be hard on you, much harder than coming out would eventually be. But, as some short term (emphasizing the short term here) approaches, these might help make things a little easier on you.

If nothing else, I'm happy for you that you're coming to terms with not being straight. Honesty with yourself is a great place to start, no matter what.

 

You don't go into detail here, but it looks like you're looking at two options - denial and closet. And I'm assuming you're not selecting the third option - being out - because you live somewhere where that isn't much of an option. My knowledge of South American attitudes towards sexuality are minimal, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out there are places where it isn't welcome. Given this, the wise move is to start looking at places where it IS welcome, or at least tolerated. That may be quite a distance, and you might be afraid of making such a leap, but I can guarantee you'll be happier in the long run...

Lex

 

Then for the time being, hang out here in EC. We're a pretty good bunch.

However, you're not going to find much support for trying to deny your orientation here in EC. Many of us have suffered the consequences of doing just that, and most of us would wish that we had come to terms with our orientation sooner, not later, than we did.

With respect to counselling, you had a bad experience and I had a great one. I credit my counsellor with saving my life, because that's how hopeless I was feeling when I started seeing him.

Most of us will also say that our experience in being out of the closet has been better than we thought it was going to be. That might be your experience as well. However, many of us live in cultures that are more accepting than the culture that you're living in - so this is certainly something that you need to decide for yourself.

I'd just suggest that you don't make decisions now related to the rest of your life. 'Never' coming out is different from not coming out right now.

 

Well, if you have EC, then that's something at least.

And yeah, as far as counseling - personally, I had a good experience, but I understand having a bad one and not wanting to go back. Just keep in mind that it can vary widely depending on which counselor you see. Maybe you can keep it as a fall-back option or something.

Though, if you're living in the most gay friendly part of your city, there must be someone around who will understand your situation, especially if it's culturally based. And don't worry, they don't automatically have better gaydars. I'm legendary for having the worst gaydar in the world. :lol:

 

Actually, this made me laugh - I had a counselor when I was a kid, too, and they did the exact same thing (board games). I just played chess with this guy for session after session. Weird thing is, he won every time. I don't know if that was part of the therapy or what...? :lol:

But anyways, the counselor I went to last year was nothing like that. We actually talked about my situation and things I could do to improve my approach to it. Virtually no "advice" was given in any way, it was more, "ok, so this is what you want to do in this situation, so here's the healthiest way to go about it for yourself." Yeah, she let me know when I was totally off base, but I was never put off by it, even though I had the same reservations it sounds like you do.

So, why do you go to the gym if you're afraid of being caught checking someone out? Besides, wouldn't it be good for another gay man to know you're gay?

And no, my gaydar still might not go off. It really is bad in a legendary way.

 

Well, at least that makes sense from a therapy perspective. I kept waiting for my counselor to start throwing games or something as some kind of self-empowerment tool, but no, he just kept grinding me into the metaphorical dirt of the chessboard. :lol:

I just mean, if you're really that nervous about being "spotted," strange that you would keep going somewhere where you know you're going to be checking out guys, and which is known for being the "gayest" gym in the area.

Question - if you did get noticed, and they were fine with you and assured you they wouldn't out you to anyone, how would you feel about it?

Fortunately I realized it was terrible very early on. It got hard to deny how bad it was when I noticed that I just thought everyone of a certain body type and appearance was gay. :lol: It's gotten a little better - I mean I'll notice if someone's super obvious about it, and I've had a moment or two when I pegged someone just off a picture, but again, nobody who wasn't already out and proud, so to speak.

Good that you're aware of it at least It'll happen someday. Who knows - maybe somebody's already been checking YOU out, and thinking, "if only he were into guys"!

 

Do you have a lot of girl friends? It's so much easier to tell a female. You don't have to tell everyone, but starting out small and telling just one person (that you trust and feel comfortable with) will help out a lot. That's how I kind of came out to my friends, I told a very close girl friend and she didn't care at all and she kept it a secret until I was comfortable telling the rest of my friends. But, my family.. that's a whole other story.

 

No, thankfully that never happened to me. :lol:

Fair enough. I guess that counts for something.

Continued (*hug*)