For me, this is the perennial question. On the one hand, I am completely comfortable with my sexuality. I have known that I was bi since I was 16. My family never really fed me negative messages about sexuality of any kind, and I've always been rational enough (and introverted enough and independent enough) to fend off society's negative attitudes toward homosexuality. So far from being down on myself about it, I've always been a bit proud of being open enough not to be inhibited from being attracted to a person just because of how they are structured physically...it's always been much more about the mind to me. BUT at the same time, I must agree with some others who post here that they are extremely frustrated with their sexuality. I have been partnered for over 25 years now with a woman whom I love very much...we're an incredible team, best of friends, wonderful lovers, etc. And yet, there is this element to our sexual dimension that is missing, and that increasing cries out for recognition and realization. For years, especially when were first getting used to one another, it was easy to live without men...even disparage them (in fun, mostly)...always easy to disparage what you cannot have, right? But as years have gone by, this desire and taste (naturally enough) just doesn't go away, but rather gets stronger and less easy to ignore. Before someone else suggests it, let me say that we've found that toys can be an interesting diversion...but are no substitute for the real thing. My partner identifies as bisexual as well, so we talk (and we talk and we talk) about this. But we were both raised with a strong value for monogamy...and moreover, breaking monogamy risks exposure to both physical safety and emotional stability in ways that (especially after 25 years together) are frankly terrifying. I'm sorry for the length of this post (and I appreciate your indulgence in reading it), but are there others here in this position? What do *you* do? Have some pushed past that monogamy barrier? I'm not talking about cheating on my partner, or moving to an "open" relationship...neither of us would be happy with either of those solutions. But stories of more creative solutions or experiments would be most welcome. Thanks.
I'm interested in this same question right now, though admittedly I probably have nowhere near the experience I'd need to give you any kind of satisfactory answer. I'm in a relationship with a girl (2.5 years... not 25 but still significant I think!) that I feel Ive recently been losing interest in relationship-wise. Since then I realized I have some capacity for attraction to guys, and suddenly dating guys is all I can think about. I don't know if it means I really want both, or that Ive really liked guys more than girls all along, or if maybe the relationship was getting stale and the new-ness of potentially dating other guys is just exciting in its own right. Anyways, I suppose I'm not much help. I can at least say I can relate a little bit, in my own under-experience, immature kind of way (*hug*)
Hey, don't underestimate yourself, your maturity, or your ability to help others. I'm thrilled anyone responded! (So thanks for that!) I would say that if you are losing interest in the relationship, it's probably best to let it end, and then move on to whatever/whichever feels right next. Don't worry too much about whether it's because you're losing interest in women or because you're losing interest in *this* woman...regardless, it sounds like you're ready to move on. The thing with my situation is that I don't want to move on...I love my partner, and we have a wonderful life together. It hurts me to feel like that's not enough...I feel like some kind of slut...but with 25 years of monogamy, I know that's ridiculous too. I hate the cultural baggage of monogamy...it just doesn't feel natural. Or is that just the bisexual in me speaking? Or does that very question degrade bisexuals? Dammit I hate this shit. Anyway, maybe when the Powers that Be let us chat, we can chat about it. Until then, thanks for your post.
Okay, biAnnika, I know what you mean. Granted, I haven't been in a relationship with the same person for 25 years. But I have been in a relationship with a boy for almost 7 months (Yes, big difference I know. But just bear with me here). So I've never cheated on anyone, and I never really thought about it, and I just don't really plan to. I love my boyfriend, and I would never want to hurt him. But he's been away for army training for a few months, and during some of that time, I've sometimes thought about what it would be like to be involved with a girl somehow. Granted, part of that may be just because while I'm pan, I've never been involved with a girl, so it's probably natural that I'd be curious about it. But I never really thought about it the whole time that I've been with my boyfriend. Except for recently. It might partly be because of my curiosity, partly because I'm lonely (because I'll admit it, it gets pretty lonely without him here, especially since the holidays are coming up). Idk, though. But it's weird. Because I love him, I know I do. And I don't want to leave him or anything like that. All I want is for him to come home already, so we can finally be together again. And heck, it's not like he was boring me when he was still home. He never bored me, sexually or otherwise. So I know that's not a problem, and it's not going to be a problem when he gets back. But sometimes, I still think about being with a girl. And as the more time goes on, the more I seem to think about it. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't help it. So maybe it's just a little harder for bis/pans to deal with monogamy than others, because we "crave" so many different people.
Hey, hidden...you can call me Annika (only robots call me biAnnika *smile*)...um...can I call you hidden? Thanks for your thoughts. I think you're right...those with multiple tastes are just bound to be harder to satisfy. As with you, bored is not the right adjective (funny, I just finished writing in my profile that I can't recall the last time I was bored). And I certainly don't want to leave either. But yeah...25 years without Thai food would leave me with a terrible craving, too. This one is just a bit...deeper. I've spoken with a lot of bisexuals who have an attitude of "it doesn't count as cheating if it's same-sex" (if they're in a hetero relationship...presumably, in my position, they wouldn't consider hetero cheating as cheating). I very much disagree...to me, cheating is any violation of any agreement, and we've agreed to be monogamous. No desire to hurt my partner, or even to leave her out of anything. So definitely know that there's nothing wrong with you. I've definitely learned that you can't help how you feel, or what you fantasize about...no shame there. I hope your bf returns soon, and that you have a long and wonderful relationship in front of you!
This isn't just a problem for bisexuals. A lot of people want more sexual variety than is available in their monogamous relationship. This can be because they want to engage in a sexual activity their partner isn't into (e.g. BDSM if one of the partners is only into vanilla sex), want to have a type of sex they can't have with their partner (e.g. scissoring* for a straight couple), or even just want a greater variety of partners. And the question for people in these situations is the same: what is the value of monogamy? Monogamy, as a relationship choice, carries with it certain benefits and certain drawbacks. The question for you and your partner is simple, do you want to be monogamous more than you want to have variety in your sex lives?
Haha alright then, Annika. I am definitely not a robot lol And yeah, call me whatever you want, I don't care. ^_^ Yeah, probably. We're just picky like that I guess Lol Nice. Yeah, I know what you mean. After you don't have anything for a while, you want it again. I think that's probably natural. And now because you mentioned Thai food, I want some Japanese food now...Thanks XD Yeah. I should know that by, considering I've already dealt with the whole finding out who I am and coming out and all that. I should just know by now there's nothing wrong with it and that you can't help it. It just makes me feel a little guilty, ya know? Because I think about that sometimes. I mean, I'm not cheating on him, but it's still kinda...yeah... But thanks! Me too lol he graduates next month on the ninth, so he'll be home soon. I'm soo glad he'll be back for Christmas! And I hope that we are together for a long time, and hopefully once he gets back, I stop thinking about girls. Oh and by the way, yeah I know how you feel. I don't understand how people can think that if it's the same sex (or visa versa) that it's not cheating. It so is! To me, people like that don't take their sexual orientation very seriously, or they'd realize that it is. I mean, I'd be plenty pissed if my boyfriend kissed a girl, and I'd still be mad if he kissed a boy. It's just the exact same thing. Cheating knows no gender, just like love.
Hi there Interesting thread. I have been married traditionally for 17 yrs to a wonderful man. We have 2 teens. Marriage/relationships are hard to maintain and THEY GET BORING. They really, really do. The tea company is right: "Variety is the spice of life!" hahaha IMHO, Monogamy is highly over rated and a patriarchal leftover. That being said, I have no desire to split up and try to raise kids on my own on half the income, etc. My husband can be a real dingbat, but he does love me and our kids, and we value him. When I told him I was bi and it was time for me to fully experience what that meant, it was in the context of being ready to end our marriage. I felt done, for many reasons. I told him that if I stayed, we would have to move to an "open" marriage where I saw other men & women, or that I would simply pursue being with women. He was (obviously) more comfortable with option #2 and has not had any problems with it. The main problem I find besides the logistics of getting together with other women (oh, and living in a very conservative community, to boot), is that my heart does tend to get attached to the other person. If we are very compatible, it is inevitable. This is something to really contemplate before moving to an open-type relationship. At this point I can't say for sure how much longer I will stay with my husband, though I do love him and also enjoy the sex. I just identify better with women, it seems. I am pretty fluid. As long as he doesn't have a problem with it I see no reason to jump ship just yet. JM2C, hope it helps.
Well, I'm 34 now, and every time I end up in what is moving towards a serious relationship, I back out. I am not sure why, but I am not really sure I'm the monogamous type either. That doesn't mean I have a lot of partners though, I'm partly asexual too. I recently had this conversation with a bisexual girl I've gotten very close to and have a romantic/sexual connection with. She voiced the same concern about wanting partners of both genders. To which I responded that I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. I know other guys who've had relationships with that arrangement before, and as long as everyone is open about what they're doing it can work fine. But yes, these aren't your usual monogamous family guys ... I'm not sure if that was any help ... Just my opinion and limited experience with the matter
This is a concern of mine also...I'm in a completely different situation though. Until six months ago I was in a committed heterosexual relationship and had never been attracted to another woman before. I am now in a gay relationship and one of my concerns is what happens when I want to sleep with a man again. My girlfriend and I haven't talked about it much but I know its something she's worried about, knowing that until I met her I was exclusively straight. The idea of an open relationship doesn't appeal to me and although my girlfriend has had both an open and a polyamorous relationship neither really suited her either. Obviously its something we'll deal with at some point and I don't have any answers but it's interesting to hear from others at different points in their lives and relationships so thank you
if you are not open to an open relationship or cheating, and the toys aren't getting you off anymore, i mean what real options are there? look, here are your options. 1. keep sex in the confines of you and your partner and try other toys or porn or freaky video chat with others. no outside human physical contact though. 2. start an open relationship (which you said is not an option) 3. find a person or couple that is safe and tested and enter them into your partnership union as a swinger couple (which you said is not an option) 4. understand that you may want to try things with other humans, but you aren't going to do it adn just fantisze in your mind about it but forget about it ever happening. outside of this i do not see any other options available to you. ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2011 at 03:07 PM ---------- one last point. bisexuals deal with monagommy the same way heterosexauls and gays deal with it. you realize that you are human, you realize that you are goign to wnat to screw someone else at some point in time other than your partner and you do everything in your power not to have sex with another person when you are in a committed relationship. so its a struggle for bis, gays, heteros, and pre and post op transgendereds. it's really not different. bottom line, either your'e going to stay committed or you're not. its one of the two.
Hmm, jumping between these two threads and reflecting a little, I'm starting to look at this slightly differently. I agree that the same principles of attraction apply regardless of orientation. Monogamy works the same for bisexuals as for anyone else, but the stakes are higher for bisexuals because they are likely to have the broadest range of desired traits for their partners. Most straight guys could find girls (somewhere in the world) who fit most of the traits that they look for in a potential partner. Yes, no ones perfect - someone who likes redheads AND blondes has to pick one or the other, and the one that doesn't get picked might always look a little more exciting (but hell ,if you ask nice, maybe she'll dye it for you once in a while). But bisexuals give up a whole range of physical body parts, sexual activities, gender roles, etc. as soon as they enter into a monogamous relationship, in addition to the littler things like hair color. I don't want to say that the rules are different for bi people than for straight/gay people. Cheating is still cheating, and while some partners might be ok with you satisfying your interest in the other gender once in a while, not everyone WANTS to break that monogamy, even if they want some of the things that would come with it. So I guess my point is: there's more to it than straight/gay/some bisexual people realize in being monogamous. On the bright side, if gay or straight people can exert some resist the temptation, than almost by definition, so can we. We just have a little more than a challenge... That is if I'm right about all this. We'll see how I feel about it when I reread it 10 minutes from now
I don't intend to have my options limited by what *you* can imagine. I posted the thread to hear what others do, in case there are things I hadn't considered. And I don't believe I ever said that your option (3) was not an option. I said that the prospect of that kind of thing is terrifying. It is very much an option, and one that we discuss the realities of occasionally. "Swinging" is not the thing...but sharing another person or persons, perhaps. I know "polyfidelity" is something some people try. I'd be curious to hear if anyone has experience with this.
