Losing sleep in Seattle

Hi Everyone,

I hope someone can help me with my present situation. I have had a roomie/FWB for over four years now...truth is though I love him dearly. He describes himself as straight curious, but yet we have had sex many, many times..in the 100's of times actually. It is also the reason we met originally...to have sex...which we did at the place he was living...many times. After sex, which the unspoken rules dictate be without much intimacy, he departs the bed immediately, and I get the sense that he is upset with himself for having succumb to urges which he self-identifies as merely a curiousity. In the past I have found times where he has also sought out physical satisfaction with other guys (ooops he left his craigslist ad up on the computer), and when I asked him about this he says he was just putting up ads for the sexual thrill from reading the responses...I know this is not true...and that he was actually looking for sex partners...and almost certainly succeeded in this quest probably more than a few times. I was also not his first same sex sexual encounter.

Anyways, this past Spring, he started flirting with, then attempted a heterosexual relationship with a woman he worked with. She was seperated from her husband, and contemplating divorce, and after they got to a certain point of familiarity (I believe they had intercourse at least once), she said she was going back to her husband, and was going to try to work things out with her marriage. Needless to say this was devastating to him emotionally, but he never confided that in me. So, six months went by, then out of the blue she calls him in the middle of the night to say that she has been physically abused by her husband, he has gone to jail for a little while, and could he come and help her and her three children vacate the house. From that point forward, it has been nothing but unbridled infatuation towards her. Two moves of a four bedroom house, approximately three thousand dollars in gifts/bill pays/needs satisfaction. He totally dedicates any and every waking moment to her, other than work. He will not make plans with anyone else (me, other friends, family) because it might interfere if she calls and asks him to come over to her place (a house her parents own and she sahres with her Sister and her child). She is still married, and in light of a divorce where a three year old is involved, I think this won't be a simple three month divorce process for her (or thusly for my friend, and by association me).

When they were seeing each other in the Spring, my friend/roomie/confidant/FWB, became a very different person. He stopped doing many things that he had enjoyed for years, and started acting distant, dressing differently, basically an entirely different person; his personality and outlook included. After she went back to her husband, he completely changed again back to the person I know and love, and the sexual activity between us resumed. Since he has always described our relationship as 'friends' I decided right then was not the best time to delve deeper into how he feels about himself, or me, or the idea of a same sex relationships....in general or with me specifically. All he has ever said in the past when I expressed that I was having feelings towards him is that he 'does not see himself in a relationship with another guy.'

So I'm a new millenial type thinker, and I know that orientation is not as clear cut for others as it is for me, so I have basically given the situation as much leeway as I can muster. I have expressed to him that for some bisexuals, this situation would be ideal, and that I understand if he has needs which I cannot fulfill. This type arrangment does not seem to have much appeal to him, as all he wants to do once again (now that she is 'available' again) is be with her, talk with her by text and telephone, and buy her things. He is once again completely obsessed, and has once again totally changed his life (just like above) into what he thinks will secure him her heart. She has required he give up a relaxing past time he thoroughly enjoyed (think peace pipe) twice...he did in the Spring, and now once again, she is religious and he is not, none of the television shows he used to enjoy are of interest, he merely lives solely for her now. They had an argument two weeks ago, and when it appeared they would break up, he showed up in my bed and was willing to have sex. Then the disagreement passed, and he was once again solely focused in her direction. He did have a back rub from me last week, which turned into some hot cranking sex.

So yesterday, I got off work a few minutes early and went home. I walked in the back door, and found he was masterbating at the computer. It smelled like sex, he jumped to the bathroom and said he was urinating, etc. so I know he was. He claimed he was not, but when I used the computer a little later a porn site was on the explorer pull down menu. I laughed and said, well the porn site you were viewing is still on the pull down so I know you were masterbating. He said with too much conviction that it must have been a site I looked at...a site I have never heard of, much less visited. I told him after all of our shared experiences, I don't for the life of me understand why he would be bashful about this. Masterbating is fun, and that I think it would have been hella sexy if he had instead turned, smiled, and ordered me to go down and pleasure him to completion instead of jumping up, then being embarassed about it. I'm sincere...that would have been hot! I also told him that I always loved bringing him pleasure and that I miss it, even listing some very specific things I know drives him wild and she is unlikely to do for him.

Anyways, afterwards he went quiet for the rest of the evening, and was quiet this morning while we both prepared for work. I asked if he wanted to talk, but he said no. I asked if it was 'no' because there is nothing wrong as he sees it, or if he feels he needs to talk, and right now isn't the best time. He said he didn't have time because he needed to get to work. I know it really is because he doesn't want to discuss this topic, now or ever.

So after all that, here's my question. I know the best course of action is to let this run it's course and that's what I have been doing. Regrettfully though, this time around does not seem to be resolving itself like before. He is thinking of living closer to her, but since his job is closer to where we both live, that is an issue. Now of course, he is thinking of changing jobs from one that he has had for nearly two years in a job market that is pretty dismal, just so living near her will not be a conflict with the commute. She apparently keeps tellng him that she wants to have sex with him so bad, but that she doesn't want to jeopardize her divorce, or run the risk of getting pregnant. I think that is almost certainly not the real reason for her not wanting to have sex, but I'm not in a position to be a judge of that.

These to me are all very large warning signs, particularly for a woman who is technically still married, and has no job (did I mention she left the company they both worked for when she went back to her husband?...probably telling my friend in the process that she couldn't bear to see him at work anymore so she quit), doesn't live nearby, and has three children. The stakes are very, very high for him should this not the relationship he hopes it will be, and to be honest, I sort of get the sense that this relationship is so important to him because it validates his view of his own sexuality...basically she is his proof to himself, and everyone else, that he is a straight guy. Funny thing is, he is incredibly masculine and has nothing to prove. In fact, I know his Brother has told me in the past, unsolicited by me, that he would be fine with it if his Brother came out of the closet. I was startled, but said nothing one way or the other, as it was not my place to comment, or just in case his Brother was fishing around to see my reaction. I am openly gay, so I actually think his Brother was being totally sincere and just expressing his view.

My question revolves around the best way to help him. Should I stand back and let him proceed as he sees fit? Should I ask him to move out right away so he can best tell if she is the girl for him? If he stays on, should I be strong and tell him 'no' if he ever wants sex again? Should I encourage him to explore intimacy with me, since he has never really experienced that before with a guy? Do you think there is any possibility that he is truly straight, and that all his homosexual behavior in the past comes from sexual abuse early in his life? Is he merely running from his own truth by running so hard to her? Has he picked a woman who is clearly emotionally unavailable right now, and distant geographically, and with huge burdens upon her, just because it is unlikely to work in the long run, which means subconscioulsy he wants it to fail?

I think it's odd that he would be masterbating when he has spent so much time and energy for her, so I don't think they have resumed having sex this time around. He himself told me only a few weeks back that she was holding back, but that she said it 'was getting harder and harder too'. She said this back in the Spring too, and banged him once or twice, then bolted. When I hear his half of the telephone conversations, it seems as if she thinks of him as a friend, then spices it up occassionally with sex talk to keep him interested, and thusly her financial needs continuously being satisfied. I know the mind is a powerful thing...heck I used to masterbate to gay porn for years, then afterwards put it out of my mind and lead a 'straight' life until the urge hit again. I know the ability to completely lie to oneself can be done, because I myself did it until I was 23. He is 31 by the way.

He is at a crossroads, and so am I, so any insight into how I can best support my friend, and a great guy, and someone whom I would so love to be able to experience his sexuality without shame and anquish? Anyone ever in a sticky situation like this before? While I would love for him to return to our previous relationship, hell even decide to become a couple with me, the most important thing is for him to be happy, now and forever, and I am torn between supporting this exploration, and shaking him and saying "what are you thinking??"

:bang:

 

Hey MamaFugs, thanks for your thoughts. No need at all to be sorry for your view. I totally appreciate your take, and see much merit in the idea he has been using me for years, but I guess perhaps my judgement on that is somewhat softened by the fact that he basically supported us both for three years (yes I was layed off at the beginning of the great recession), one year of which fully supported us, as I was a 99'er and my unemployment insurance ran out. Thank the high heavens though, I landed a job last December and have been working again now for almost a year. If he has been using me, I can hardly say it was for monetary gain or status.

Perhaps he was checking out life on the gay side of the fence while here and in my life? That would be cool, except he never allowed himself to experience sexual (or otherwise really) intimacy with someone of the same sex. If it was a test of life as a gay man, then I don't think the results are very valid since he seemed to have made sure he never slipped up and felt love. Perhaps his particularly strong interest in her (then and now) is because he was worried he was 'turning gay' because he was actually starting to have feelings too, which totally doesn't jive with his definition of his own sexuality?
I'm really not sure, but value your opinion, as well as anyone else who thinks they may provide constructive insight. Thanks!