1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Question for bi people

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jargon, Nov 23, 2011.

  1. jargon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2011
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    I was good friends with a couple in high school - a guy and a girl - who both considered themselves bi. Theyd been together for ages and both said that for most of the relationship, they were each primarily attracted to the opposite gender. The reason they gave was that since they were attracted to the person they were dating, they each tended to only think of that gender as attractive, although if they broke up, they would find themselves interested with their own gender again (which they since have, although Ive only maintained any kind of contact with one of them).

    I'm wondering if this sort of phenomenon is part of whats making my sexuality now so confusing. Anyone else have a similar experience? Or are most people attracted to both genders in a stable (not necessarily equal) way? My info says I'm bi, but I'm really unsure what fits me best. I've only recently started (re-)considering my sexuality.
     
  2. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've chatted with loads of bisexuals on another site over the past 5 years, and based on the experiences of others, it is extremely common for bisexuals to go through swings, where for a while, they are only interested in same-sex, and then for a while only opposite sex, and then back.

    My personal experience is a little different, because I've been exclusive with a female partner for so long (25 years). For me, it's been like building up an ever-increasing desire for male contact. But even with me, that ebbs and flows...it's just that it never goes away, and keeps getting stronger.

    My guess is that a lot of it has to do with building up a desire for what you don't have, or haven't had recently (much like desire for other things...such as flavors of ice cream :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). That would be consistent with what you describe and with my experience.

    But yes, I think that can make it very confusing to reconcile your own sexuality. A friend of mine keeps trying to figure herself out...she's sure she's a lesbian for a few weeks, then she's sure she's straight, and it keeps swinging back and forth. I'm like, whoa...isn't that kinda evidence that you're bi? But she doesn't want to "act" until she's sure...I think she's slowly figuring out that if she waits for things to stabilize, she may be waiting longer than she wants to.
     
  3. jargon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2011
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Haha, I'd just commented in your recent thread when I saw this. Well thats helpful, even if its not very encouraging. I tend naturally not to be attracted to other people (either gender) when I'm in a commited relationship, which I suppose is a good sign. I suppose this is mostly a function of the relationship going downhill then, and me wanting to fulfill that untapped interest. I'm just a bit terrified now that all this drives me to end the relationship, only to find out that it was a mistake as soon as I've satisfied my curiosity :confused:
     
  4. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I know what you guys are talking about. I've been with this guy for almost 7 months now. And even though I'm pan (well, not exactly bi, but it's similar :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), I haven't ever been with a girl. So sometimes, I think about what it'd be like to be with a girl. I just can't help it, I'm curious to know since I've never experienced it before ya know? I think feelings for each sex do fluctuate a little bit. Because the whole time I've been with my boyfriend, I never really thought about girls much. Except for like the past month. But maybe that's because he's away right now (for army training), so I don't have much to do besides daydream :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: lol
     
  5. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    LOL, jargon, it's funny bouncing between two threads like this. We should just pick one (my thread or yours?)...LOL, sounds like exactly the kind of dilemma for bisexuals, doesn't it? Just pick one! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    But when you first described your situation, my impression was that you are getting tired of the relationship...not necessarily that the sex is getting stale. But here you say that "all this" is driving you to end the relationship.

    I know you aren't exactly asking for relationship advice, but I do think you want to focus a bit on what is making you think of ending the relationship. Is it because guys sound interesting? Or is it because the relationship itself isn't working out. Is it her or is it you ...or is it your patterns of interaction? Patterns can be changed. Partners can't.

    If you think it's you though...that you're concerned that you've really had stronger interest in guys all along...then I'd say slow down a bit. Focus on what's *good* about your relationship. Give those winds of taste a chance to shift. And if she's really worth keeping, consider coming out to her about your bisexual interests. I've spoken to far too many people who kept it bottled up for 20-30 years and then exploded to destroy a relationship...my experience is that talking about it with my partner has been extremely helpful to me.
     
  6. Mad Man L

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Brisbane, Australia
    Yes, it happens to me. Right now, because I like a guy, I find myself finding guys more 'interesting'. But when I fall for a girl, I find I like girls more.
     
  7. jargon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2011
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Mad Man L: thats a little bit encouraging. I'm sure it differs from person to person, at least there's hope that monogamy isnt /wont be a problem for me! So thankies!

    Annika: well, I know I'm making this confusing, and thats because Im confused myself. I feel it could be a bit of both, or one or the other. I definitely started feeling like the relationship was getting stale and feeling less attracted to my girlfriend before I even started reconsidering that I might like boys. Since I realized this though, my desire to maintain the relationship has gone downhill. She's an incredible girl; we're best friends, and objectively we have everything going for us. It seems to me like it really is the romantic-feeling-ness of the relationship thats gone wrong for me though, I'm just afraid I'm reading my own emotions wrong, and I don't want to make mistakes given what's at stake.

    On the positive side, I have told her about this. She took it about as well as I could possibly imagine, although knowing that I don't feel as "into" the relationship hurts her terribly. That's really why I want to sort things out so bad and get it over with, one way or another.

    Haha, sorry about the thread jumping though. If I'd seen yours first I wouldve just posted there instead of making this. On the other hand, I don't want to make your serious discussion all about my messy relationship and sexuality confusion.
     
  8. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Serious? Moi? No, this is just how I talk/write. I'm a *dreadful* bore.

    Yay for you talking to her! (And yay for her still being there!)

    I dunno...I'd keep the lines of communication open and see where your feelings go. I see no point in breaking up with her because you *might* want to date a guy...I'd say break up when it seems pointless to stay together...when you really don't want to see her any more (as a gf...hopefully, you can always stay friends).

    I often ask myself, "Don't straight people go through this too?" I mean, they see someone for a while, and then at some point (be it 2.5 years or 25), they start to want *more*. Maybe it's worth breaking up over, and maybe it's not...but damn, other people start to look really good. Somehow, it helps me to think that this isn't *just* because I'm bi...it's part of the human condition.
     
  9. xXPsychedelicXx

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2011
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Africa
    Heyyyy. :icon_bigg After reading all your posts on this thread, I feel like we're in a very similar situation, especially relationship-wise. So, I thought I'd jump in and give my 2 cents worth.

    I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. He's the only person I've ever been with, so I don't really have much relationship experience... Before we got together, I found myself only attracted to guys. But once we started dating, I found myself not being attracted to anybody else but him. So I agree with the above quote.

    However, my attraction to other people is slowly coming back. In the last few months, I've truly started to accept the fact that I am probably bisexual to some degree. I'm attracted to both guys and girls (not necessarily in an equal way), but lately, the idea of being with a girl has been occupying my mind. Not with any specific girl, mind you. It's just that the idea of having a girlfriend, instead of a boyfriend, is really interesting to me at the moment. Maybe I'm bored with my relationship. (Oh yay, another problem to deal with.)

    So yes, in my limited experience, my interest in guys or girls varies quite a lot. Some days, guys are especially attractive to me. On other days, all the girls start looking pretty damn sexy. :wink: Annika made an excellent point: we're human, so we desire the things we don't have. Like ice-cream, or McDonalds fries. :thumbsup:

    You could look at it as annoying, or simply go with the flow. I will usually fall for someone because of their mind, not their body (which was one of the things that lead me to question my sexuality). If I meet someone and we get along, have good conversations, joke around, understand each other, and we're interested in the same things... well, who cares what they have in their pants? :lol:

    It can be really confusing though. Best of luck figuring it all out. (*hug*)
     
  10. DragonStar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2011
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi, I saw this and i can't help but add on,
    When i first actually found out I was Bi, I told my friend that i was really confused because I kept, IDK, switching which gender I liked, and it scarred me when she told me if I chose which gender I liked then I wasn't Bi. So that took me a few MORE months of questions and confusion with no help.

    I have no idea about relationships, like AT ALL. (I've never had a BF or GF- Most people think I'm a freak)

    I know that you said it was normal for some other Bi people, but i can't help worry, and question myself.
     
  11. Hippiemom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2011
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Being bi has allowed me to remain married to my husband (17 yrs) without feeling like I have to totally run away. I am fortunate that he is very understanding. He has no problems "sharing me" with other women, because he sees how happy it makes me. It's like the release valve on a pressure cooker. I am still attracted to men, I just find it hard to emotionally connect with my own (who happens to have Asperger's syndrome). He actually is relieved, I suspect, that he is no longer "responsible" for keeping me sexually happy. God knows no one person could fill that void... hahaha

    Anyway, I think of myself more as sexually fluid because I am attracted deeply to both genders. However, I would somehow feel I was "cheating" if I was with another man besides my husband. BTW I was totally monogamous for 15 yrs and not even willing to admit to myself that I was bi, even though thinking about being with women was the only way I could... you know. The funny thing is, when I finally told my husband, he basically said, "What took you so long?" LOL He figured it out many years ago!

    JM2C
     
  12. Aielar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2011
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Vancouver Island
    Yeah, this is something that I've experienced in the past, and am still going through it to an extent. I was in a relationship with a guy for about six months, and after the relationship ended, I found myself becoming more and more interested in having a relationship with a woman, and less interested in having a relationship with a guy. I believe that my life will always follow this pattern, of swinging one way and then another, and even though I can see it become frustrating at times...I don't think it can be helped. I'm not too sure though.