Isolation

Hello! First of all, welcome to EC!!! You've come to the right place!

I know how you're feeling. Being alone and living with a secret like this can be really hard to deal with at times. But it is definitely good that at least you are not repressing your own sexuality.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your parents and at your school. If you know that they would kick you out, make sure they don't find out! However, it might be a bit different with friends. I mean, I'm not suggesting that you should come out to your friends, because you are the only one who can decide whether you want to do it or whether it would be worth it, but telling somebody else can definitely be a HUGE relief. If you have a friend that you trust and know well enough, and if you feel like you are ready and want to do it, I think it would make you feel a lot better.

Meanwhile, all the people on these boards are really nice and helpful and I hope you will feel a bit better soon (*hug*)

 

Well, first off, welcome to EC. You've come to the right place - that's for sure!!!

I can certainly understand how you're feeling. That's a less than ideal situation you've found yourself in. But you don't need to feel lonely. Just reading and posting and interacting in here will be a GREAT outlet for you. That's what I found. I had very little exposure to anything 'gay' and found that hanging out here (virtually of course) was a great way to expose myself to gay topics and other gay people.

On the bright side, college doesn't last forever. Nor will you live at home forever. Plus you've already come to the conclusion that you're gay! At least you know why you feel somewhat alone and isolated. I didn't clue in until I was 35 - an extra 15 years of feeling somewhat removed from the rest of society, but never being able to put my finger on 'why'. So while it would feel like you're 'missing out' - you've got a lot of time ahead of you to look forward to. Start planning. Where would you be most comfortable living? What kind of job do you hope to get? What companies in the area you'd like to live in offer those kinds of positions? If you're not sure, then network with the people here to get a sense of where you might like to move to.

I understand how you feel. But it gets better. Way better! You've got SO much to look forward to - even if you don't feel like it right now.

Good luck. And again - welcome!!!

 

There are two major things I think would help in your situation: moving and meeting real live gay people.

With respect to moving, you said your college is the best in the state for what you're studying... is there any way transferring out of state would be possible? I know that can be prohibitively expensive in the US but seriously, being in small-town Mississippi at a Christian college is not going to get any better for you, plus if you went to school out of state, you'd be away from your parents and trust me, at your age, being away from your parents can be super-beneficial even if you were straight.

Maybe that seems really major but look for scholarships, exchange programs... basically anything that would get you somewhere more anonymous and more liberal.

And if moving during college is just not an option, then you just HAVE to start planning for after. And I'm not talking like moving to a major city in Mississippi--I'm talking like some major east or west coast metropolis like Seattle, San Francisco, Boston, New York. It doesn't have to be forever and if it's not your thing, so be it (Mississippi isn't going to go anywhere), but I think it would be really helpful to give it a try and to get a chance to experience life beyond the borders of Smalltown USA.

The hopefully easier 2nd part of my recommendations would be meeting real live gay people, since you've said you hate the loneliness and isolation. For that you only need some kind of bigger city to visit, in your state or in a bordering state (since I'm just looking at a map of Mississippi and it's not insanely huge) and then you can look for a gay youth group or a gay university group to attend. Or even a PFLAG group (Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays). Online is great for initially talking to people "like you" but nothing is really quite the same as meeting oh-my-gosh real live gay people! *grin*

Also... I understand how you feel like you've missed out on a lot but I didn't even figure out I was gay until I was just about 20 and it really is possible to make up for lost time... you just have to be open to the prospects. 20 is still incredibly young in a lot of ways so don't beat yourself up about that; focus on how to do stuff you that you DO want to do... don't waste time and energy over how you haven't done this or that yet.

Let us know how it goes!

 

I think the idea of getting out of the state has a lot of merit. But if that isn't an option, at least get out of your parents house! Get a flat and live with friends. That will remove huge amounts of loneliness from your life, you will see your friends more and will find it easier to meet other people.

I would think it would be illegal for your college to expel you due to being gay even in a backward country like the states?

 

No, its not illegal and they can do it. I feel for you Covert. I'm afraid there is not much you can do until you get out of that college. Just know there are people here who care and you can come talk to us anytime. Oh and another thing, just because your parents are devout Baptists, doesn't mean they will disown you. Many children have come out to parents in the same situation and their hearts and minds were changed!