Just a short break....

Hullo there,

I'm sure you guys must be sick of hearing from me by now. :icon_wink I'm quickly becoming one of those people with multiple threads across the forums. But never mind. It's helping.

Tonight I just thought I'd tell you what's happening over the next few days, and give another status update.

I'll be going up to the farm with my Dad for 4 days to fix some fences. No internet or electricity. Some people have already suggested this might be the ideal break to get out of my depression - or discover myself - and I intend to use it as such if I can.

The other thing is today was a horrific and wonderful day.

I won't bore you with a massive description, but it started off pretty ordainary and quickly became almost-mind numbingly painful. At several stages throughtout the day I just cried because I couldn't cope with the 'white-noise' of all the feelings that were blasting around my mind. My day sounded something like this: [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9AfunLQfAc[/YOUTUBE]



First I'd like to thank some wonderful people, you mght know some of them, if so give them a thumbs up and a cuddle from me:

- Fugs
- Jon Snow
- Veronica
- Pheonix42
- TanzNuketerror
- Ianthe
- Gravity
- Lexington
- Faytol
- Insanityhasasoul
- XllWolfheartllX
- Endorell Taelos
- Frogswin
- Gah-Kai
- Throw
- Stmemmerson
- Tasiya
- Hotpink
- Keirsten
- Justbyourself
- ConcreteBuilding


Now, just a brief explanation of today:

Basically today started with a regular, mildly sad opening. My dad sat down with me before he went to work and made it clear that he thought part of the problem for my 'depression' was that I didn't have a good sense of self-worth, because I wasn't finding ways of spending my time that made me get a sense of acomplishment. He spent about an hour badgering on about this. I admit he seemed to have a point. But it just wasn't where I was. I had my head stuck in gender issues.

The morning passed quickly - I mostly just sat at my computer and spoke to people about my problems - sadly the only thing I seem to enjoy right now. Things started to really decline the closer it got to midday - people logged off, including my friend from the UK, after revealing she had some problems of her own to deal with.

The fact that I couldn't figure out who I am on the inside - what gender I am, was the worst thing about today. I cried a couple of times....felt worthless. I felt dead and empty inside. I hadn't been in girl-mode for 3 days, and it made me feel horrible. I had really enjoyed feeling that way.....but now I felt like a massive confusion of different feelings. It gnawed at the pit of my stomach and at several stages I felt physically sick. Although I seemed to want to be a girl - I really was more concerned at just establishing who I was on the inside. Boy or girl - I simply didn't have a clue. All my life I've been able to rely on who I am inside - to allow me to stand up to pressures in life, and now suddenly I couldn't tell who I was anymore and it terrified me and made me feel utterly worthless. It got to the point once again where I was ignoring my parents and steeling myself to cut my skin.....but thankfully someone helped me while hurting me.

I won't go into specifics, but she basically made me incredibly jealous and envious of her as a natural-born girl, so much so that I just wanted to end my life right then, at the prospect of being stuck as a guy my whole life. And though I hated myself right then - in a few seconds I realised she'd given me the best gift, she'd made it clear to me at that moment that I was a girl of some-sort in a guys body - and I was prepared to die rather than endure it.


I still don't know if I'm a girl inside. I'm still really confused - but I do know I'm capable of being a girl - even if only for a moment. And that gives me hope. I'm still not sure who I am inside, or what I should do now to become aware of who I am. But i have hope that I will find myself someday, and I will be either male, female or a mixture of both most of the time - which is way better than the horrible confused mash I was feeling today.


This isn't goodbye. (a friend has told me I should stop using EC, but I just can't right now). This isn't goodbye - it's just a short break - hopefully a break that will make a difference, but even if it doesn't you can still expect me to be on EC at odd hours of the morning :3

In a way I'm thankful for these horrible days. The pain I experience now will make the pleasure I get later, worth something.


_

 

Thanks guys - Gravity - Veronica.

The trip is currently postponed until tomorrow :<

But In other news one of the psychologists I contacted, got back to me today. She seems alright. But I'll be checking out the others on the list before I make decision.

Gravity:

It's still a little earlier to say for certain if yesterday was a breakthrough - but I made an effort this morning - took a 2 hour shower - and cleaned myself up. Make of that what you will :3