I thought I moved past this?

You're the only person who can answer those questions. And you already know the person best suited to help you - your counsellor. Talk to them about this. They aren't really treating 'all of you' if you're not being open and honest about certain things.

I wouldn't be so sure that your depression is totally unrelated to your orientation and gender identity questions. These things are pretty fundamental to who we are, and if they are festering below the surface, they'll be causing all sorts of problems for you. They are more related than you think.

 

Okay, the whole thing about the not girlie thing...umm I don't think that has tooo much to do with gender. I mean, it does a little bit, but not entirely. Not all girls are girlie, and not all guys are manly. Heck, I'm a girl, and I'm way more of a tomboy than anything else. I don't wear makeup, I play video games, listen to metal, watch action/horror movies, play guitar, wear lots of black and some guy clothes, and I don't mind breaking a nail or going out and getting dirty. So your qualities don't necessarily have to do with your gender. More of how you feel about yourself and stuff.

Though if you want to be more girlie, then that might be a clue that maybe you are transsexual or something.

But Jim's right. You have to figure this out for yourself. Maybe you should talk to your counselor about these feelings. They're professionals, so I'm sure they'll be able to help a little bit. Even if it's just sitting and listening to your problems.

Also, I'd say that you should try to indulge yourself with these girlie feelings. If you want to try on women's clothes, go ahead. Try it and see how you feel about it. And maybe do some other girlie stuff as well. It might help you decide what you are.

 

Just chiming in to let you know FoxFire - that your not alone. I'm so damn confused at the moment - all I seem to be able to tell is that I'm not a normal guy at all. :S

Anyway - if you feel up to it - here's my first thread on the issue - maybe you'll find it useful/consoling. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53339-deus-ex-machina.html

 

You don't have to make that decision now, by any means. But explore. Ask someone you trust/have come out to for some girls' clothes. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Try them on. See yourself in the mirror. Imagine yourself living that kind of lifestyle. Ask yourself: would you be happy?

You're only 19 (my age!) and barely an adult, with an entire life ahead of you. Like I said, nothing is set in stone just yet. Play it by ear; be curious and exploratory. Take things one step at a time. Listen to your gut: be honest to yourself and others.

Hope this helps. Feel free to drop me a line if you need someone to talk to.

Best,

Faustus.

 

I'm just realising how similar FoxFire's problems are to mine again XD

Only just hit me in the face that your in Aus with me - when you started mentioning medicare and 10 sessions I was like: 0.0

I still need to find myself a psych - was yours really any help?
I'm intending to find one - but I really think It'll have to be a long-term sort of resource - not really much help for this issue of uncertainty I have right now.

I really just can't tell what I am.

And before Faustus jumps down my neck - YES I AM YOUNG - but I have to get onto the rest of my life - I can't just hit pause and stay 18 while I sort this out. I need to sort it out at least to the degree that i can get back to doing things each day outside of just thinking about this issue.

I'm sorry I didn't really answer your question OP - I guess I'm still just stuck wrestling with similar problems myself .-.

 

Yeah I don't have any female friends either .-.

Well some - but their in another country.

And I'm suffering from the same issues of limited funds, and paternal restrictions as you. I can't tell what I am inside, and I know that if I want to get anything done before Uni - I'll need to discover that person - but I only have limited options to experiment and explore my feelings - because of aforementioned parents, and lack of money.

I'm sure if I told my parents they'd come around eventually - but again - I need to be certain that I really am Trans before I tell them - and I'm not capable of making that decision until I experiement a bit. But I can't experiement - because no friends - no money - no privacy >.<

So In the mean time I'm just trying to get through each day - and work towards seeing a psychologist. I know they won't be able to tell me what I am on the spot - but hopefully they can help my clarify these conflicted feelings I have and speed up my self-discovering. Because in the mean time I'm just floating in limbo - without the ability to do anything until I decide who I am.

---------- Post added 26th Nov 2011 at 07:51 PM ----------

You need to hurry up and become a Full Member Fox - so that you, Fugs, and I can discuss these things in the chat-room and maybe help each other come to a decision .-.

---------- Post added 26th Nov 2011 at 07:54 PM ----------

This is exactly the same position I'm in.

Just to re-iterate :icon_wink

oh and the COAGATI is widely believed to be if not biased then pure rubbish.

I've been taking it since I was 13 and my results have dipped all over the place.

 

Individual results will vary though. I've consistantly scored above a 240 since 7th grade. so... 13? 12? im not sure and don't feel like doing math lol. too tired (It's 5:00 here :sleep

 

Hey Fox,

Hope I was of some help. I can't speak for wanting to be the other gender, but all I'd ask is: what does your gut say?

I think that you, 11 11 11 and Fugs all having a private chat convo is an extremely good idea.

Wishing you all the best,

Dr. F.

 

Mhm a private chat is really what we need right now. At least in my opinon.
The list that makes the most sense to me right now is:

Fugs
Myself
Faustus
Foxfire11
Pheonix42
Hot Pink
Jon Snow

Ianthe - because she gives such good advice


Seeing as we all seem to have similar issues - and Faustus apparently wants in XD

Perhaps we could get a moderator to sit in as well? Might be handy to add in some experience.

I'm sorry if I'm being a bit too eager, but I really am doing nothing but sitting around the forum all day at the moment - and thinking over this issue again and again.

FoxFire11:

Just on that last comment - the fact that your COAGATI result bothers you? Why exactly? See I think this is what the COAGATI is useful for. Giving you a result that may or may not be accurate - and allowing you to figure yourself out by the reaction that you have to your result. If your annoyed / disappointed, it probably points to the fact that deep-down you feel the test has mis-judged you. That's how I use it anyway. It's like the trick I do with a coin sometimes. You simply flip a coin - heads, your a girl, tails a boy. Then you pick up the coin and focus on your immediate reaction to discovering what side it landed on. Again if you feel disappointed / annoyed, that might clue you into what you really feel like. Bit of reverse psychology for you there




Anyway - we just need to get FoxFire11 and Pheonix42's post count's bumped up - so you can get promoted to Full Members. Spend as much time in the forums as possible guys. I know not everyone has all day to spend on this like me, but making threads in other forums, or even in the games section - where posts fly by like time on a Sunday afternoon - can be a great way to get to Full Member staus quickly.

Once your there we can trade private messages, and set up a chat in the chatroom with all eight of us.

Best of luck.

11

 

It is very hard to figure these things out. And don't rely on silly online tests. I think it's a good idea to speak to a counsellor. Yes, you're young, but these things won't go away, so I think getting it sorted out as early as possible in life will make your life much better. Pretending these things away doesn't help at all. Trust me on that.

 

Mhm - interesting show that.

Wonder if I could get my parents to watch that episode by "accident".

As for childhood memories....I've really been struggling with remembering anything concrete.


I remember researching LGBT stuff at age 13 - and thinking that I was trans.

My life-long friend says that as a child - I used to talk about girls being "better" all the time. It was apparently one of the things she remembers most about me. So much so that later, she thought I must have been either gay or trans. LOL.

I do remember having a lot of conversations with my mother where she'd say: "becuause your my son" or something like that, and I' say. "No I'm not." And she'd reply what are you then? My daughter? Hahaha" And I'd reply "NO!" even though I often felt like saying "YES!" A couple of times I said "why not?" and she replied "Becuase I had one son and one daughter. Not two girls "

I'm beginning to doubt she knows WHAT she had.


I do remember playing with girls a lot as a kid. I wasn't very boyish boy. I didn't really like sports, and really liked reading and board-games. But I did like tag, and typical stuff like planes and forklift trucks. I also liked the natural world a lot, and playing in the garden. So I guess I really was a mixed bag. One thing I do remember getting a lot of pride from was skipping. I was a natural skipper, and there is nothing more awesome than playing a game of tag, and pulling out your jump-rope right when someone gets near you. If you jump fast-enough it's like you've got a force-feild around you - kids won't go near the rope I used to skip quite a bit, and I tried to get back into it in year 7. Unfortunately by then it was only offered to the girls. Along with netball, and hockey. Two other sports I really wanted to try. I was allocated AFL instead. With all the other guys. I hated it.

All my life, even when I was in pre-school, I remember feeling that girls were better. Smarter, more capable. More fun to be around. I also hated the divide between guys and girls, that only seemed to grow as we got older. I remember crying once in year 3 because none of the guys wanted to play tag with me, and then, when I got really upset, because none of the girls would either. I expected uncaring behaviour from the guys, but not from the girls. It took me a lot to understand that they didn't trust/like me because I was a guy. I just didn't see myself as one. I didn't think I was a girl, but I wasn't a guy in my mind either. In fact, I remember pleading with girls a lot in the early days. Trying to get them to believe I honestly wanted to play with them.


Anyway - that's all I can think of right now.

Ask me later and I might remember more.

 

hmmm, so childhood stories i see?

Well, aside from the typical thoughts and feelings of being trans that came and went with varying intensity as far as i can remember,

I always preferred playing house and make-believe games to playing with toys or action figures. I loved to read more than play sports or watch t.v ect.

I did eventually get into sports with my parents insistance i give them a try. Stuck in them until this year really but i'm still very athletically active. sports began with football (9th-10th grade) then went to wrestling and finally volleyball (which i liked a lot, probably as much if not more than football)

As i got older I have always developed better relationships with my female friends than male. I've always been told im mature for my age and just never really related or was on the same level as the boys my age. This has been most evident (to myself) in college. I would much rather hang out with some of my girl friends than my guy.

Oh yeah! and when i was very young i used to be much more feminine than i am now or was as i got older. I feel like that is due to the attempts i have made to silence the thoughts of being transgender that i had been struggling with but now have come to terms with.

So.. aside from some other stuff i don't want to make public because there are some very personal things (relationship and family-wise) that i'm quite sensative about. If i ever make it to full member status i would talk about it in a private chat, but not public, sorry.

 

Tyler's story seems like it could end up very similar to mine (MtF instead of FtM though) if i end up talking to my parents come winter break like I plan to. Still have to build up the nerve to do it. If I end up saying anything before then I'll be sure to post, not sure if that wil happen though. Kinda wish I knew how they would react, that would make this much easier to do.

Edit: Sorry for the double post BTW