Advice needed! coming out disaster pt 2

hi i am sorry to hear how everyone is reacting it is not right at all. in my opinion you should not "go straight" if thats not who you are , your familly will aventually get use to the idea of having someone in the familly who is gay. i think that pretending to be straight is a bad idea because all that your going to do is continue living a lie. in my opinion do what makes you happy, go with what your heart tells you , it will make more sense in time im sure (to you and your familly).

best of luck and i am sorry to hear about how people in your life are handling things, feel free to message me if you want.

 

Acquiescing to your family's desires and "pretending" to be straight will only lead to increased suffering on your part (as you're already seeing, within 24 hours of deciding to try it) and renewed feelings of "betrayal" on your family's part when you have to tell them "no, actually I was just pretending to make you feel better."

The holidays are a very, very hard time to get through this, especially when they're just starting to deal with the shock of the news, but going back on things will only make it worse in the long run.

My advice - as difficult as it may sound - stop pretending, right now. Leave and don't spend the night if you have to, but don't just shove yourself back in the closet. Of all the possibilities, re-closeting yourself is the worst one (for everyone involved) that I can think of.

Side note: I'm sorry to hear they're putting this kind of pressure on you. And even more sorry to hear that they're forcing your mom, the one person who's being supportive of you (from what I remember) to be the mouthpiece of this.

EDIT: I'll friend you so that it's easy to keep in touch with someone over the holidays.

 

Trying to be straight to please your family is probably the more painful way of going about things. You might realize later on that you really are attracted to guys and still be gay. Then you'll just be back at square one in the same situation you are right now. Honestly, I think its best if you give your parents a little space to let them deal with it like they asked. You also need space to figure out how you truly feel as well. You should also not let your family cloud your judgement right now because you need to listen to your gut and listen to YOUR thoughts. You say you could see yourself marrying a girl, but you really need to ask yourself if you could see yourself being happy with a girl too.

Overall, I don't think you should jump through any hoops to please your family, because they should just support and love you no matter who you are. Even though it may not seem like it now, they will eventually learn to accept the way you are and love you unconditionally. I feel every parent is capable of doing this, but it just takes some parents more time to get to this point than others. Lastly, you should realize that so many people go through this as well and that you're not alone. Even if people don't question their sexuality at all during their life, they will still struggle to find who they are as a person. It's a part of becoming an adult and the individual you were destined to be. So for now, just take the time to think about who you really are and learn to love yourself. Don't worry about what others think of you, or if you're making a wrong decision. It's so much easier said than done, I know, but it's really important you at least feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

"normal" is such a vague term, but I definitely don't think a fully heterosexual person watches gay porn for so long

 

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. (*hug*)

I do agree with the others though, pretending to be straight will in the long run be even harder for you, and I do believe that your parents would still love you if you just give them the time and space they need to process the news.

I'm not an expert on this, but I would guess that it's quite safe say that you're not straight. Whether you're gay or bisexual is another matter. But whatever you are it doesn't matter, because it's the person you will fall love with, not his or her gender. And unless you want to end up in an arranged marriage, you can't choose the person based on their gender.

Are you sure you're not just imagining the traditional heterosexual lifestyle and wanting to live your life like "normal" people? You know, you can have all the same things as a gay man.

Try picturing your wedding day with a girl. And then replace the girl with a guy. Would you prefer that? If yes, then you're gay.

 

I am so sorry that this is happing to you. But all I can say is that the only real way that you in the end can be really happy is to be true to your self. If you keep liying about who you are to your self its not going to get anybetter sorry to say. Just give your family some time. Every thing will get better.

 

I'll echo this - but also remind you that you weren't thinking these kinds of thoughts before today, when your parents asked you not to spend the night and you agreed to be "straight." You wouldn't have gotten to this point if you really thought you were straight, so, yeah.

If nothing else, I hope you didn't stay the night for YOUR sake. You need some time to think through this without the pressure to not be what I'm pretty sure is your real self.

 

I hear you. (*hug*)

The problem with normal is that, well, it's different for everybody. For us, this is normal - we've all been there, thinking "wouldn't it be easier if...?"

For us, being gay or otherwise not straight is also normal.

I'm sure there are lots of negative "facts" about being gay for them to tell you. My mom used to go on and on about how I would be mistreated and forced to conform and not be myself and so forth, but after a while I realized the main person in my life who really did that to me was...my mom. In a weird way, she was doing the things to me that she was afraid everyone else would do, so that nobody else would do them to me. Weird, but there it is.

As for "not wanting to be this way," are you sure the more accurate way of putting it wouldn't be "not wanting my family to be this way"? There's nothing wrong with you, after all. Sooner or later everyone else will realize that.

And, just for the heck of it, more (*hug*) for you. It might not feel like it, but you're doing great. It's hard - just take it one day (or one minute, even) at a time.

 

i realy am sorry you are feeling this way (*hug*) in my opinion you should do what it takes to make yourself happy...not other people happy, i wouldnt go back to denial cuz all that you are doing is hiding who you really are. if i were you i would just "stay" gay and let your familly get use to the idea of it. it will get better i promise (*hug*)

 

Family is as family does. This group of people is not acting like family. They have all but told you that your mental health is not important to them. They would rather have you in mental anguish living a lie than to be something that makes them uncomfortable.

>>>for my mental sanity i am going to need their love whether or not it is artificial.

That "love" that you get from them will always be tainted. You'll always know in the back of your mind (or, more likely, the front of your mind) that the "love" they're bestowing on you is contingent on you pretending you're straight. Love isn't supposed to be conditional.

Unfortunately, you've put yourself in a bit of a position.

When you came out to them, your sister said you were going to hell, your father yelled at you, and your mother...well, I'm not sure if she was actually supportive, or if she was playing good cop to your father's bad cop. But it sounds like she changed her tune, which led you to do what they hoped you'd do - you caved. You agreed to be straight. They "won". And so either they truly believe they steered you away from the gay road to damnation forever, or else they're convinced that any time you start to head down that road again, they can "play tough" and get you "back on track".

In short, you can expect a replay of the last few weeks' events any time you even suggest to them that you have any gay feelings whatsoever. Which leads you to two options: pretend to be straight forever (either for the world at large, or for just them), or expect another confrontation like the one you had before.

How long before you're technically on your own?

Lex

 

First of all, seconding everything Lex said - if what you need is love and support, you might want to look for it from friends who will accept you as gay.

What does "on your own" mean in your case? Good that you have someplace to go aside from your parents' home, but unfortunate that you might be carrying this home with yourself.

How about other forms of support? Are you out to any friends or such?

 

Well, in any case, just don't actually date any women on the site you mention - lying to your family is one thing, but don't drag anyone else into it! That's way too soap opera. :lol: How far are you planning on carrying this?

Double lives suck. All the best to you though.

 

If you're on your own, is there a reason to bother with the duplicity? You don't have to necessarily come clean to your family, but can't you just tell them "Oh, yeah, I'm on three dating sites - got a couple leads, I'll keep you informed"? Then go out and date a guy?

Lex