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Coming out to a straight (male, of course) Friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by goratrix, Apr 4, 2005.

  1. goratrix

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    Well. So... The subject sums it up. I have a couple of straight friends, and I fear that when I come out to them they'll think I like them or something. Which in some cases is not far from the truth, for I had a crush on one, and I currently have a crush on another (to whom I'm reluctant to come out).

    So. the question on this thread is: how will a guy take it if I say:

    'hey, I've got something to tell you. Now, I hope our friendship can take this, but i will understand whatever you choose to do. I am tired of decieving you, and everyone else, so I'll play my hand and see the outcome. I'm gay.'

    how will he take it? I think this is a question without answer, since you don't know this guy in particular, and my friends in general. However... the question is: what if he thinks I like him, and me telling him i'm gay is like a move or something?.

    I can foresee some of the answers... which are the ones I'd probably give if someone else asked this question:

    'that is his problem. You came out straight to him, stopped lying about your sexuality, the next move is his. He will either accept you or reject you, the reasons are for him to analyze.'

    However I don't want to risk losing him as a friend... and just so you know, I'm not talking about someone in particular, I'm talking about straight friends in general. I have three on my mind right now, which happen to be classmates of mine at college.

    So... has anyone ever had this experience? if so... what did you do? What happen after? did you work things out?

    I'll thank you for any input on this issue.
     
  2. tinkergeek

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    I have been here before. I came out, but I did not tell my friend of my attraction to him. Later, I did tell him after he was comfortable and it worked out well.

    A question you should ask yourself is: "Do I want him to turn out gay too?" If your friend seems fine with you being gay from the start, you should probably be ok in telling him. If it seems like he'll need time to be used to it, it might be best to not add more gas to the fire? Though, then you are still lying in part..

    Good luck.
     
  3. Micah

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    As far as the guy you like goes, someone had a similar problem:

    Topic: Should I tell him?

    As for your other friends, you're in a really difficult situation. The text-book answer to your problem is 'Well if they can't accept you for who you are then they aren't very good friends' but this isn't always the case. The best thing to do is to test the water. Talk about gay issues and see how they react. Even if they disagree to your sexuality, chances are they will still want to be friends, on the condition that you dont discuss it. Of course they could totally reject you, but if you think its worth the risk, i say 'go for it' :grin:

    Good luck

    Dave
     
  4. goratrix

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    Well. I'm not coming out to the guy I like. The question was actually more of a general wondering. It has been hard for me to keep the secret. It's been over three years since they know me... and I haven't had a girlfriend. Although they think I have (which I actually denied).

    And I fear they will react badly. I think I'm ready to handle most outcomes... but I never gave it a thought to the case that any of them wuold think that I fancied them... and I don't really see that happening... but again... they have suprised me before in other aspects of life... so I guess that means I don't really know them well enought to foresee their reaction. And I want to be prepared to handle the worst case scenario.
     
  5. Micah

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    Remember Goratrix, there is only so much planning and pondering you can do.

    Just curious, is this like a final stage of thinking before you come out? In your opinion, how close do you think you are to coming out?

    Anyway, this is something you have to decide. Unless your friends have a profound hate for homosexuals (even the most seemingly homophobic guys actually possess some tolerance towards us) then I'd say they will accept your sexuality.

    Try coming out to your closest/least homophobic friend first. That way, if he supports you, he can help sway the rest of your friends (peer pressure works a treat). And remember, if they take it bad initially, it doesn’t mean the friendships over. It will take time for them to adjust.

    Dave
     
  6. goratrix

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    Well. The idea of coming out has been on my mind since a year ago or so. And I finally told a friend of mine a little over a week ago, and she took it rather well. So I figured I would start to come out and see where fate leads me. And the first question that popped into my mind when I was thinking about how to tell a friend, if I should take him apart and tell him, If you should take him and his girlfriend and then tell them both (they are both quiet close to me) and so on, was... how will he take it? will he feel threatend in some way? will he want to punch me for being gay? and then the question here... will he think I have a crus on him and that's why I'm comming out? So I wanted to know if anyone ever had a similar experience so I could take an example...

    Anyway... I AM coming out. Sooner or later... rather sooner. I want to be out to at least my closest friends by the time i'm 19. I don't want to start another year of my life still hiding from the world. I've done it the past 18 years... it didn't help.

    Besides, I hope that once I'm in the process of coming out it will get easyer, and I could find the support I need to come out to my parents.
     
  7. Paul_UK

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    If they are couple, I think they should be told together. It just seems the right thing to do to me, and shows respect of their relationship. It also seems more natural and simpler than trying to organise telling one and then the other without them meeting inbetween or having to get the first one to promise not to tell the other.

    I told my sister and her husband-to-be together over a quiet drink in the corner of a qiuet pub and they were fine about it. I think they knew I wanted to talk when I insisted on going to a quiet place rather than the usual more lively place we went when I visited them.
     
  8. goratrix

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    Yeah... I figured I should tell them together... Anyway... I spend a lot of time with the both of them, both while they are together and when they are not... so I have the chance to tell them apart. Although the idea of making one of them promise they wouldn't tell the other is ridiculous... even if they did promise... I don't think they would hold that promise.

    However I guess I'll just have to give it a little more thought... and then finally gather all my strength and tell them. If they are together it would be better... However to find them both together and alone is not likely...

    Ahhh, I guess I'll just leave it to fate and hope for the best moment to show up (for those of you that are about to reply to that last line... don't It's ironic)

    I am the master of my own destiny... so I think i'll try to master something nice in the following years... ;-)
     
  9. Micah

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    Like Paul said, coming out to them together is a good idea. Mainly because your male friend won't feel threatened, because you aren't singling him out over anyone else.

    Anyway, Good luck. I hope it all goes well for you.
     
  10. cowboy_wannabe

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    first of all, i hope all is going/went well for you!

    secondly, i remember the first straight guy i came out to and i was terrified, but we were really good friends and he got over it. don't know how he puts up with me, but he does and i love him for it! :slight_smile: it's funny, bcause when you first are thinking about coming out, it tears you up inside because you have all the 'what-ifs' involved. once you do it, though..it's amazing, it's so releaving.

    hope it went well! :slight_smile:
     
  11. badness1002

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    hey there!
    yeah - this is defintely a touchy situation. but i have been there, so i'll tell you how it turned out.
    i was/(am) in love with my best friend, we were as close as it can get, we told each other i love you on a regular basis. and then i fell in love, hard. so one of those days he asked about it and i told him the truth, he freaked out a little and i was embarassed so i stopped talking to him. then, since i figured he wanted me out of his life, i didnt talk to him on his birthday. well he got very upset over this and started crying in front of our friends and got angry and told them all i was gay. well i didnt know about this until about 4 months later. so i was angry, but we talked about it and i confronted all my friends about it and got everything out in the open. my friends couldnt have cared less, they knew for 4 months without me knowing, obviously nothing had changed. as for me and my best friend - we are still best friends - we are still a part of each other. but its hard cuz he has feelings for me but isnt comfortable being gay - so its hard for us to have things the way they were, but we are trying. however, everyone else has been awesome and nothing but supportive and i have never felt more free and honest. its a great feeling. plus this was in high school, which is a surprising thing to me for a catholic private high school to have such supportive and open minded individuials.
    hope the experience helps.
     
  12. goratrix

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    Well. the fact is that I don't like him in that way. I do love him as a friend, but just as a friend.

    Luckyly, so far, I've never had any feelings for a friend. I mean. Since I accepted I was gay, I haven't had a sexual obsession with a male friend. I either acted as friends because I hoped it would turn into something else. Or just loved the guy as a friend and never crossed that line.
     
  13. joeyconnick

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    Something that no one has mentioned yet that I think is worth mentioning is that often people will react based on how big a deal you make of it. When I first started coming out, I did the whole "dum dum dum I have something really important to tell you and so we must use the cone of silence and you must swear on the life of your mother you will never tell anyone etc" approach. And I think that made it harder on me, ultimately, and on the people I told. I think if I had just been like, "I'm telling you I'm gay because you're a really good friend and I trust you and I want you to know because I want you to know me as well as possible..." Well, the difference is there. The fact of the matter is that it's not the end of the world and how you approach it will shape how people will react. You can say you haven't told very many people because you're just getting used to the idea of people knowing without making it sound as if you're a CIA agent blowing his cover.

    Anyway, just some thoughts... basically based on a situation not related to coming out that I ended up in with a guy I was in love with where I had to explain to him about this other guy I was seeing because of this complicated situation and I think I totally messed up in HOW I told him, making it sound like I'd betrayed him when really I'd just been confused and the situation had become messy. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been freaking out about telling him, he probably wouldn't have reacted as badly as he did. Not that he would have been all "yay you're involved with this other guy" but maybe it would have been an easier thing to deal with. For both of us.
     
  14. goratrix

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    Thanks joey (and welcome btw), I guess that makes sense. The how is just as important as what i'm telling. Anyway, I was planning on sliding it into the conversation. You know...

    me: blah blah blah
    him: lol
    her: blah blah blah
    me: lol
    him: blah blah blah
    me: I'm gay
    everyone: *awkward(sp?) silence*
     
  15. joeyconnick

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    Thanks for the welcome!

    As for telling him, well... I'd suggest working it into the conversation a little more, uh, naturally than "can you pass the gravy and by the way, I'm gay." There are a lot of topics that can lead to the revelation, like who the two of you have crushes on, social issues like same-sex marriage, etc. That might go over a little better than just saying it out of the blue.

    And yeah, that is how you spell awkward.
     
  16. goratrix

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    I know. That was me (once again, thanks) being sarcastic. I guess I'll just have to wait for the right time to appear... oh, well... I am quiet good at manipulating people... I'm sure I'll be able to bring up a topic that would go well with me comming out...
     
  17. uk_18

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    ive just done it

    hi, im uk_18 (should i tell him), im 19 now and if u read my last post i finally came out to my mate and he took it well, im writing this on the night i did it and im ontop of the world, just wondering what will happen next tho, im hopeing that our friendship isn't changed by it all, but im going away for 2 and a half months next week so he'll have some space to sort it out in his head, hopefully he'll decide he's bi and we'll get together but im not holding out much hope, lol. Hope it goes well for u 2.
     
  18. rockerguy457

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    Hmmm. This is a very complicated situation. Most of it depends on how long you have been friends & if this friend is comfortable with your family and you. If you have known him for a long time I think you should start off with I might be, then tell him you are BI, and finally after many talks come out with the truth.
     
  19. boarder25

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    Well that's a tough one. One thing you could say is "Hey, do you have the hots for every girl you see? I wouldn't think so. So the same goes for me. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I like every guy I see. I think of you as just a friend and don't want it to be any other way." (A little white lie in this case might not hurt).

    Though I'm lucky, my best friend knows I have a little thing for him, and he's actually flattered (though completely uninterested of course).

    edit - Just saw this was bumped from the stone age. heh :eusa_doh:
     
  20. 24601

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    How does this happen, haha...

    Thread necromancy ftl. :frowning2: