Ok, ever since I came out to a friend of mine, she's been flirting with me, even going as far as when we're chatting over webcam to remove her shirt. The flirting went from harmless at first, to hard-hitting on. It confused the hell out of me, since she had declared overly how much she finds Asian men attractive. After awhile, I asked her if she was gay, and she replied: 'No, I just like teasing you and trying to make you blush!' But it seems a little much... Recently she even told me that 'You would make a great guy' and 'If you were a guy, I bet we would make a great couple'. I really did not know how to respond to that. Plus she keeps saying things like, "I really care about you," and 'You mean a lot to me'. And now come the bloody guilt trips! Whenever we're in a 3-way chat with another friend, she starts fighting with the other friend, and if I don't take her side, she starts accusing me of 'not valuing her friendship as much as ( Name )' or 'You don't care about me.' or 'I'm unworthy' or 'I'm a wrecking ball that just smashed into your life'. Its getting too much to handle. Yes, she is a good friend, who lives in another country, mind you, but she has declared she is straight, and would only be 'interested in a relationship if I was a guy'. The flirting now seems to have died down a little since I asked her that, but the guilt trips are what I am having a hard time stomaching. I hate this! I hate how she feels the need to do this. If she is not interested, why act like she is? What can I do? She has already said that the best part of her day is when I come online... and she is a good friend, so I would hate to abandon her... But this HAS to stop. Its not fair to me, and I have asked her to stop the 'self pity' and she 'doesn't know what I mean'. A friend also tried to intervene by telling her to stop trying to manipulate me, and she threw a fit and message me crying, saying she's sorry and did not realize she was. And that the entire world was against her, and she was not worthy to talk to, which me, being the nice guy that I am, instantly wanted to help her. I mean, all the facts point to she likes me right? She even said that if I was a guy she'd be interested... but she said she's straight... Anyway, how can I make her stop without loosing her friendship or hurting her? If she doesn't want a relationship - that's cool with me. I just want her to stop pretending she does, and definitely to stop the guilt trips. If you've got any words of wisdom to share, please do so... what can I do?
The fact that she's in another country is significant. It makes the possibility of hooking up a lot smaller. And this distance could be influencing her behavior toward you. Anyway, trying to gauge someone's intentions through the internet is always a tricky endeavor. People act different when in front of a computer, let alone talking to someone in another country.
I don't want to sound harsh but your friend has you wrapped around her little finger and, deliberately or not, has you well and truly dancing to her tune. Basically, she's attention-seeking. But everyone has their flaws so what you need to do is make it clear that her behaviour is having a negative affect on our friendship with her. Perhaps reassure her that your being gay (and therefore having an intimate relationship with another woman which isn't her) is not going to threaten your friendship with her. It may be that she's afraid of losing your friendship and is acting out to maintain your attention (which she's achieving btw). The fact that you haven't abandoned her and don't want to shows that your are loyal. Now she needs to trust you a little. If talking about it doesn't work I suggest something more drastic - hang up every time she pulls a guilt trip maybe?
It sounds very much to me like she has experienced inklings of same-sex attraction herself, and now has you around as a sounding board to safely express these feelings (hence the heavy flirting and suggestive language), but she's terrified to actually think of herself, or be thought of, as gay (hence the insistence that she'd only date men, etc.). It is possible that this is just a passing interest and she really isn't ever going to be interested in dating women - but it's also possible that she's deeply conflicted and confused about her own sexuality, and/or so much in denial that she really doesn't realize how strong the signals are that she's sending you. With that in mind, I'd advise you to be firm but kind with her - be sure to state your boundaries when she's overstepping them, but remember that she might be doing these things as a kind of cry for help in figuring out what's going on in her own head. You certainly shouldn't have to put up with this kind of manipulative behaviour, and you need to make that clear, but I think this situation requires some empathy for your friend too.
Well, lots of things happened since I posted this. For one, she had become increasingly protective over me when we are in three way chats, and always enters the conversation with a 'Good morning love!' or something like that. Anyway, I had a talk with her, and she still said she was straight, but she kept flirting with me, so I got a third party to talk to her, and she came clean about it. She says she's straight, but she's feels weird when it comes to me. She gets aroused whenever she talks to me, and is eager for me to come online every day so we can talk. Said the highlight of her day is when we talk. So the third party member asked if she liked me, and she said: 'I think I do. But its strange, I'm straight, I like men - and am not attracted to woman at all, but its different with (Blkrsn). When I see her as a girl, nothing, but the moment I picture her as a guy, I get aroused.' The third party replied, 'Yeah, to tell you the truth, for the longest time, I thought (Blkrsn) was a guy too.' Anyway, the third party reported back to me, and we had a talk. I told her that for years I have been sorting out my gender identity, but only within the last year or so, I've been seriously thinking about it, and recently I have I realized that I am actually a guy, and how much I hate my female body ( its true, I hate my breasts so much I wear a Minimizer Bra ) and she was completely shocked. She replied, "That makes sense! I was wondering why I was so attracted to you, when I have no attraction to women at all! I was so scared for awhile!" She went on to tell me how she has a crush on me, and I told her how she's been flirting with me and how she's been possessive, and she replied she had no idea until someone brought it up. She then replied that she needed some time to think about herself, but came on a day later and said she couldn't stop thinking about me. I asked her if it was ok that I was transgender, and I don't know if I will go on the hormone pills or not when I see the specialist in January, she said she did not care, and that my external body was just 'a temporary state anyway', and that God just 'put the glove on the wrong hand'. We talked some more, and she said she wanted to get together as a couple. Over the amount of time that has passed ( since I posted this until a few days ago) I can tell she's been thinking deeply about this. And I have been too. She's a really dear friend to me, and I like her a lot. So I told her I'll give her a shot. And she's become so cute and clingy! Its weird, she's the direct opposite of me, straight to the point, and direct - no playing around. She really likes flirting. And within the last few days, I've found myself getting increasingly aroused when we talk. And then, Last night I had my first wet dream ever ( yes, 20 years old, and this was my first wet dream D: ). She was in it. In the dream, I was a man, and we were having sex, though neither one of us knew what we were doing. So it was an awkward wet dream. I was so aroused when I woke up, I didn't know what to do... I almost wished I did not wake up. Am I falling for her? What's going on here? I don't think I've ever felt this giddy before - and I have never had a wet dream about anyone ever before. She calls me by my 'boy' name ( she just switched my name to the boy variant ). But calls me her boyfriend, not her girlfriend, even though right now I am in a female body. What's going to happen if the specialist decides not to put me on those pills? What if I'm stuck a girl forever? I'm afraid I'm going to fall for her - even though she's a 'straight' friend? Why am I so worried about it? Why am I worried about her leaving me, why am I having wet dreams about her? She said she wants me there with her, and suddenly, I want nothing more in the world then that. My shyness seems to have completely vanished when I'm around her. I've never felt this way about anyone... I'm afraid of either getting hurt, or hurting her I guess I just have to wait till January right? ... I'll just go distract myself with art... that always works...
Bedroom Hymns: That's what I'm thinking. She wants to tell our friend we're together tonight. Should be interesting
I've been in similar situations. It's supremely frustrating, especially when single, to have a hetero friend you're attracted to be simultaneously flirting with you yet holding you at a distance. I'd say the various flirting and emotional attachments she's forming go beyond casual. As previously said, also, this may be due to the fact that you're far away, and she doesn't have to deal with the possibility of something physical happening - in a way, this is sort of a "testing ground" for her. If this is bothering you as much as you say, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her to stop this. Stop encouraging it - if she tries to flirt, deadpan your response, and if she takes off her shirt, turn off your webcam. You can keep chatting if you like, but there's nothing wrong with guarding your feelings when you have reason to believe the other person will never reciprocate. If she can't understand that, then maybe she needs to have it explained to her. On the other hand, if you think she really is leaning towards coming out, or does treat this as an exclusive pairing ("relationship" might be the wrong word), or you think you're willing to put up with the continued teasing (which can be fun for some people, less so for others), then go for it. Personally, I would probably take the more guarded of the two reactions. As someone who's gone through the coming out process and frequently deals with the results, both good and bad, I would have a hard time dating, or even fooling around with, someone who can't even admit to themselves that they're gay. But, that's me, and who knows where she's headed with this?
Addendum to the above: I don't mean to sound harsh about people who can't or haven't come out, and would edit my last post if I could, but alas, it's no longer an option. In any case, of course I am very sympathetic to people who can't come out or are struggling to come out, as that struggle is a very familiar one for me, and probably for most people on here. The thing I have more of an issue with is people who have no intention of coming out and don't even self-identify as gay or questioning or whatever, but who use people who are out and are looking for some kind of significant emotional and/or physical attachment to "mess around" in ways that are ultimately not very meaningful for the "hetero" person involved. Okay, that feels slightly better. Hopefully this clarifies, and maybe even turns out to be helpful in its own right.
