Understanding your bisexuality when in a long term straight relationship.

I am in this situation! Haven't changed my orientation on my info yet, but I am mostly sure that I am bisexual. So good to hear there are others out there.

 

I'm curious why you specify long term "straight" relationship. Your situation is that you are in a long term relationship, so I get that part. But wouldn't people in a long term hetero relationship and people in a long term same-sex relationship have pretty much exactly the same issues? (e.g., frustration with not "fulfilling" both desires, awkwardness of people making assumptions about your sexuality based on your partner, etc.)

If you do count me, I'm in. *smile*

 

Out of curiosiity, SomethingSimple, what exactly is your "boat"?

I spose I'll be the fist bi-guy to check in. I'm still questioning to some degree, but I think bi is the mostly likely verdict. I know two years isn't all that "long-term," but I can certainly relate on some level.

 

i i will add to this. my relationship was over 5 years long. we were best friends and in a relationship. i am a guy and she was a girl. i knew i had these feelings but just pushed them away. i went into a depression and tried to push her away. but it was hard because it was my best friend as well. so it wasn't that easy to just break up and never see her again. the feelings seemed to be getting stronger so i finally had to tell her. i guess i didnt have to because i wasn't doing anythign with anyone else. she was supportive but it was hard becasue she thought it was something that was passing thoughts and wanted to continue teh relationshp. i wanted to continue it too but i had just "expressed this side of me" and i needed time to sort things out. being in a relationship and sorting this out is NOT a good idea. you will only hurt the only preson and they will internalize and think its something they are not doing right or that they can't offer you and they will feel bad. my advice is to try and break it off and explain yoiu need to time sort things out on your own and it has nothing to do with them but its something inside of you that you need to really deal wtih and explore so you will know what you wannt and you want to be respectful to them in the process and not take them through what you're going through now but you would still like to be friends and have their support if possible. if not, you also understand.

 

Well first, you can certainly count on my support, regardless of whether I fit your criteria. *smile*

But I am in a very long term same-sex relationship, and missing men, so I think you count me out.

I do get the differences in challenges...for instance, if you're in a hetero relationship, people assume you are straight, and that can be frustrating. But my case is comparable, even if different: people assume we're lesbians, and that is frustrating.

I think whether you are in a straight or same-sex relationship, there are still the same challenges of *fully* realizing your sexuality, while in a limiting relationship. Basically, I'm concerned that you are could be either heteronormalizing or assuming the grass is greener on this side of the fence.

Curious to hear your thoughts on the differences.

 

hello, we were not living together. we lived in separate places at the time, we are still good friends to this day and stay in contact. we still like each other (you never really dislike someone you love). we had to go back into friend mode to make things easy for everyone. the breakup was hard at first but we got through it. as far me, i stayed in denial for quite some time after the break up (years actually). i thought about dating another girl and just focused on that a year or so later. since me and my friends were still best friends, i didn't feel like i had to "date" we still had each other but it was a really a crutch so i wouldn't have to deal with my sexuality. long story short i am still trying to figure myself out after years of denial. my friend and i still talk. based on some of the situations i have had with guys i often wonder if i made the right decision because we coiuld have been married and happy with kids which honestly i have yet to find another relationshp with a guy that compared to the one i had with a girl but i have never been in relationship with a guy due to my denial and self sabatage behavior. if i could sabotage a relationship with a guy i woudl just so i would not have to be in one and deal with it. long story short, i think living together would be kinda hard for me but if you guys can do it, go for it. if he loves you, it will still secretly hurt him especially if he is dependent on you. one thing that happened a lot with my friend is that she still liked me so it sometimes was hard and we had to keep distance so we could make a break for a while. since you're living together now, it's easier said than done to just move out but living a secret separation while you figure things out...well, i dont know about that. but that's just me.

 

No worries! I definitely relate to a lot of this, the main difference being that you seem to be otherwise satisfied with your relationship, while I think I started feeling dissatisfied with mine before I started thinking about guys. I can't blame it on any characteristic of the relationship though. We don't fight, and in many ways things should be quite ideal.

I really want to explore and have been on the fence about ending the relationship for some time... but she is my best friend, and I love her in some sense for sure. So I don't know where this will go for me yet.

 

SomethingSimple,

My situation sounds pretty similar to yours, except that I have no experience with women at all. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and we've lived together for over a year. It didn't occur to me that there was this whole other side to myself until about a year ago. Currently I keep on going back and forth as to what to do about it. I really love my boyfriend, our relationship has settled into that comfortable, been together a while, place. And I love it. The problem for me is that I don't know if I will love it forever. I'm afraid to settle further into the relationship while there's the possibility that I might get antsy down the line. My bf knows I'm sorting myself out, I've been open with him since a month or so after I started questioning. My plan for now is to keep on communicating how I feel with him and take it one day at a time. He also gave me permission to go out and experiment, but I don't feel comfortable doing it. For me the biggest intrigue with women is the emotional side of a relationship. So while I feel like I could experiment sexually with a woman outside the relationship and not have it feel like cheating, I don't think there is a comparable way to experiment emotionally. Another thing I'm having trouble with is feeling like a fraud for never having been with a woman. Like I'm not really a part of the queer community.

Thanks for starting this thread! It's so good to know there are other people out there in similar situations.

 

I totally understand how you guys feel!! I've been with my boyfriend for almost seven months. (I know, not nearly as long as your relationships have been, but whatever. ) Right before we got together, I finally came out as pansexual. But then, we met & got together, so I never got the chance to be with a girl. At all. And before I was with him, I only had a few other boyfriends, and those relationships weren't nearly as serious as this one. He was my first, and I've just really opened up to him and everything. I love him, and I know he loves me too.

But my boyfriend has also been away for a few months because he joined the army and has been going through the training for that. I love him, and while he was here, I never really thought about being with a girl. But after a while of him being gone, I started thinking about it a little. And as time goes on, I just think about it more and more. It's not that our relationship isn't satisfying enough. I love him, and I've been happy with him. But it's just the fact that since meeting him, I've learned what it's truly like to be with a guy. And I still haven't gotten the chance to see what it's like with a girl. So that's kind of bothering me.

Though a few weeks ago, there was something going on with us; and since then, I've been thinking even more and just turning myself into a mental mess.

And I haven't really talked to him about it at all. I know when I first told him I'm pan (I actually told him a few months after we started dating), he thought it was awkward and stuff. But now, he doesn't. He's fine with it, though he did admit that he's curious if I would do anything with a girl. I didn't really say anything about that. Since he's away at the moment, we don't get to talk all that much. But he comes home in like 10 days, so I've kind of just been waiting for that. Because I think it'd be waaay easier to talk to him about serious stuff like this once he gets home, instead of trying to explain it through a few texts.

But I'm kinda scared to talk to him about my feelings and stuff. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about anything right now, I'm just soo confused. And I'm not sure how he'll take it. If he'd be pissed or hurt, or be accepting for me to go experiment, or...I just don't know. So I'm kind of scared for when he comes home because I know I need to talk to him about this. But if I talk to him about it, I have a feelings things are going to change or something, like things won't be the same like they were before he left for training.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be going out of my mind for like the next week & a half before he finally comes home.

 

Ha yeah I know, I need to figure some stuff out still. Because I'm just soo confused right now. I used to think at first that it was just a sexual thing. But to be honest, I'm not sure anymore. Some drama going on a few weeks ago kinda got me thinking and more confused than ever. So I'm just not sure what I want right now.

He's been away for months, but he'll finally be home soon, next month. But he's only in reserves, so it's not like he's going to be going away again or something. He should be staying home.

Yeah, I know. I'm just gonna wait til he comes home though to talk to him about all this stuff, since he'll be home in a few days. It'd be easier to have an actual conversation about it face to face, than through stupid texts or something. And since I'm so confused and everything, I'm just gonna come clean to him about everything I feel. It'd prolly be easier to go through if I had someone else to lean on, instead of just trying to do everything myself. And maybe we could figure it out together.

Yeah. Time isn't really that important. It's more feelings and commitment and stuff like that that actually matter. And we were actually talking about moving in together some time after he gets back, but I don't think moving forward like that is really a great idea right now. So I'm just gonna talk to him about this stuff, and show him that it'd just be best if we slow things down so we can figure things out first. Because there's definitely things that we need to figure out.