Please, any suggestions?

From what I can tell, HOCD (which is what I'm assuming you meant) isn't a real psychological condition at all. The few decent pieces of information I can find on it sound fishy at best. If you're really concerned about this, then you should set up an appointment with a counselor - do you have access to one? Are you at a college or something that provides psychological care to students?

But again, seriously, HOCD sounds about as far from a legitimate condition as you can get. I could be wrong, but that's my sense of it. And in any case, all the descriptions I can find don't seem to fit you at all, based on what you've said about your situation.

As far as your first bit...what do you mean when you say "I can't put that picture [of being with a guy] into reality"? Do you mean you just can't find someone to date, or that you don't want to date the guys you do end up with?

The biggest thing to do to start feeling comfortable about yourself as gay or bi, I'd imagine, would be to start spending time around other gay or bi people, or those who are very friendly and supportive of gay or bi people.

Are you still at your parents'? How has time at home been going?

 

You should really immerse yourself in the gay community for a while. Read some LGBT novels, watch some gay-themed movies, go to a gay bar or your school's GSA if you have one. Read some gay blogs. It just takes time, honestly. Things will fall into place and then you won't be able to imagine anything else. Eventually you'll get there.

EDIT: I searched HOCD and that looks really suspicious to me. Especially some of the "personal stories" told by some of the alleged patients. The very basis of the diagnosis lies rooted in homophobia and the APA and the ACA absolutely would not condone something like that.

 

HOCD is "Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." The idea is that a straight person develops an obsession with being gay, even though there is no grounds to think that he is--he is not attracted to people of his own sex, and has successful and satisfying relationships with people of the opposite sex.

It is not a valid diagnosis. People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can develop groundless obsessions about anything, including their own sexuality, but the obsession is then a symptom of OCD, and not a separate condition requiring a different name. It would be accompanied by other symptoms of OCD, and would be treated as part of OCD.

Seeing a credible psychologist is a good idea for someone who is struggling with his sexuality, or for someone who believes he is having symptoms of OCD. You would want a psychologist with experience working with both gay people and OCD, so that the doctor would have the necessary experience to distinguish between a gay person struggling with his sexuality and a straight person with OCD who has developed an obsession with the idea that he is gay.

Do not go to a counselor of any kind that is diagnosing people with HOCD, as this is not a valid diagnosis according to the APA, and therefore doctors giving out this diagnosis are not credible. Make sure that the counselor you go to has experience helping gay people accept their sexuality, and not trying to turn them straight, which is also in opposition to the APA.

Finally, another thing you can do to promote your self-acceptance is to go and meet some gay people and get to know them, and learn about their families. It's possible that the reason you can't picture yourself in a relationship with a man is that you don't have any role models for what that would look like.

 

I know what I'm about to post is controversial, but as someone who does have OCD and from all accounts is suffering from this theme, I'll try to clarify. I would like to first address the OP in saying that, while I'm not a psychologist, based on my personal experience and from what I've seen with other sufferers, what you are dealing with is not the result of OCD. That's NOT a bad thing, and while you might wish that you were straight, I can tell you there is very little someone could do to you that is worse than what OCD can do when it's bad. Whatever your sexual orientation is, it's perfectly normal. OCD can be absolutely terrifying and crippling at it's worst. Your sexuality is a gift. Also, while not fitting in with the mainstream can be daunting, it can also be a gift. After all, at least initially out of necessity, you will have to question certain assumptions. In the end, you will be your own person, and not simply someone who follows the crowd. (As an atheist and a skeptic, I put a high value on individuality and critical thinking.) I'm sorry about the way your family reacted, and I hope eventually they will come around.

Now, onto the meat of my post:
As others have correctly stated, H-OCD is not an official diagnosis, nor is it a distinct illness. What it is, however, is one of the themes, or topics, about which an OCD sufferer can ruminate. The term H-OCD was born out of support groups in which it's often common to refer to your themes as simply (X-type) OCD. Someone who has terrifying thoughts about harming their loved ones (which they would never act on) will often say they have Harm OCD. Someone who gets horrifying images of molesting a child (but who is NOT a pedophile) will say they have P-OCD. A person who has religious based obsessions will say they have scrupulosity. In reality, however, they are all referring the same exact illness, namely OCD. Just to drive home this point, a sufferer of OCD can change themes over time. It at one point was a hypochondriac. At another point, I was terrified I was going to abuse my now ex-girlfriend. Right now, I'm finally getting over the fear that I was gay and somehow so repressed that I tricked myself into actually being attracted to women.

Second, not only is "H" OCD simply referring to OCD, it isn't even accurate for this theme be called "homosexual". It can affect people of any orientation in which they will start to worry that they are not the orientation which all rational evidence pointed to them being. I've met a bisexual woman who was terrified she was really straight and would have to leave her female partner and a lesbian who could not leave her home because the billboards she saw would cause her to have sexual images with men flow through her head. Properly speaking, it should be SO-OCD for sexual orientation, but because the majority of OCD sufferers are heterosexual (based on extrapolating from the majority of the population in general being heterosexual), the majority of sufferers with this theme will be heterosexuals who are afraid of being gay.

Third, even in heterosexual sufferers, this theme has little to do with homophobia. The driving force is actually a fear of not being able to be with the members of the gender you are actually attracted to. I personally was not raised in a homophobic home, and it wasn't even assumed that I nor any of my siblings would grow up to be straight. We were always told that what was important was that we loved whoever we ended up with and that they loved us and treated us well. I went to a small Catholic school when I was young, but when the topic of homosexuality being a sin was brought up, most of us call bullshit on it. (It would even later be one of the reasons I would question and eventually stop believing in Christianity.) I had a gay room mate in college who I chose to room with because we were friends. When this theme hit me, I was actually ashamed because I had no idea why the hell I was reacting like this.

Lastly, fears over sexual orientation are fairly common, but only OCD specialists are really equipped to differentiate between it and OCD. I've had OCD since I was 8, but my themes are what are known as Primary O, in that they don't usually manifest in overt compulsions like hand washing or arranging things. The closest thing I had to an overt compulsions was checking my homework in high school multiple times, so it was missed until I was 28. My OCD had progressively been progressively getting worse, but I had no idea what it was at the time. I just always thought that I was incredibly anxious and that it was some sort of cowardice or a character flaw. When OCD and not my sexual orientation would later become the suspect (which I'll go into in a bit), I called about six OCD specialists around my area, two in New York, and the psychology department at U. Penn. All of them had not only heard of this, but they said it was a relatively common theme for OCD sufferers, and they had all treated people for it.

The "H" theme took hold about two years ago. Someone moved next door, and he was a semi-pro MMA fighter. I thought to myself "Damn, he's huge." Then I felt shocked. Why did I think that? Was I gay? I've always been attracted to women, and only women. All my fantasies and romantic and sexual desires have always been about women and only women.

Now, these sorts of thoughts (ie Damn, he's huge) are relatively normal. Everyone, gay, straight, in between, somewhere else, or nowhere else, can tell, but it gave me a sudden jolt. From there, I went from zero to insane. I would have rather graphic thoughts about males, not just good looking men, but any male. Fat, old, child, relative, it didn't matter, and the thoughts in and of themselves were terrifying. My thinking became completely distorted. At one point, I believed that the reason I was sexually attracted to more voluptuous women (like Katy Perry or Kelly Brooke) was because they were clearly not masculine, so I must be hiding. The fact that this attraction had been present throughout my entire life and without any sort of effort was meaningless. The fact that the homo-erotic images were not arousing but simply frightening was meaningless. It got so bad that I couldn't work anymore and had to move in with my mother.

After a while, I cracked. I figured that I must be a gay man in denial. After all, married men and women seemed to take into their forties and fifties to figure this out, so I must have been just like them. (In fact, at one point, one of my compulsions was repeating to myself over and over again "I'm gay and I have to accept it.") My mother was worried about me, so I came out to her. She was fine with it, and she even offered to introduce me to some of her gay friends. She could see however, that I was still suffering horribly, so she suggested I go see a gay affirming therapist, who I picked out.

I went into the appointment, and needless to say it was "interesting." She asked me what my problem was. I said that I was gay, and that I was terrified of being gay. She asked me why, and I told her I had no idea why, and that's what I was there to figure out. As an atheist with accepting friends and family, I had no idea why I'd be see scared, but for some reason, the images that were going through my head terrified me, and that I couldn't stop worrying about what I was. I then went on to explain that I wasn't consciously attracted to men and I had no idea what going on, and that the thoughts and images were triggered by anything remotely male. She asked me if I had considered that I could be bisexual, and I told her that I had, but for some reason my mind kept shooting back between gay and straight. (This, btw, is black and white thinking, one of the cognitive distortions that occurs in OCD.) To make a long story short, she thought what I was going through was odd to say the least, and she picked up on signs of distorted cognitive processes and high degrees of anxiety. I saw her for four months, and she attempted to treat as she would in trying to help anyone else come to terms with their sexuality. Nothing worked. I started talking about other issues I had had, however, my hypochondria, and other fears, and it finally started to click. She sent me to an OCD specialist, and I was finally diagnosed.

I've spent a long time talking, and there is a lot more I could say, including some details about the treatment plan that was outline. (I unfortunately had to stop seeing the OCD specialist after a few sessions for financial reasons, but we did out line a treat plan.) Unfortunately, I'm a bit drained from having written and recalled all of this. I'm currently managed on medication, and I'm relatively fine. The images are gone and so is the fear. I still have the doubts which amount to primarily to "Well, you can tell when a man is attractive," and "How do you know you won't figure out that you are gay when you are in older?" I'll gladly answer any questions as best as I can.

 

same issue right here, bro. i guess the only way to get comfortable and confident with your orientation would be time and that in itself sucks. :icon_sad: this whole acceptance process is difficult but it's very easy to fall back into the straight identity because there is no stigma attached to it.

 

Maybe I somehow wasn't clear, but even if you have OCD, in your case I significantly doubt that your issues with your sexual orientation are the result of it. To my knowledge, I'm not, nor was I ever gay. Just to give you an example (admittedly extreme), some involved my brothers, and they were graphic. I say some because I had a lot of such images, not because those involving my brothers were infrequent. They happened daily, almost every time I looked at them.

In another thread, you said you've been watch gay porn since you were 12, and I presume that you enjoyed it. The only time I started to watch it was when the OCD latched onto the idea that I was gay and didn't know it that I started watching it, and then it was only to test for reactions. I never enjoyed it. Sometimes, it scared the hell out of me. Other times, it simply bored me. Sometimes, I thought it was funny or stupid. It never did anything for me, however.

The problem with OCD is that I would then come up with explanations as for why I didn't like it. I'd tell myself that maybe I was still repressing something, or perhaps I simply wasn't trying hard enough. (Aside, how many gay/bi men had to work at enjoying gay porn and images of attractive men?) In my case, all of the evidence points to me being heterosexual. It's possible I'm not a perfect Kinsey 0, but if my prior desires, thoughts, and fantasies are any indication, a Kinsey 1 would likely be a stretch. OCD at it's core is completely irrational.

Furthermore, OCD has nothing in reality to do with sexuality. Even if you have OCD, being treated will not change your sexual orientation. You are confusing the theme with the disease. The theme is in reality irrelevant. While in both cases we suffer from fear, but your fear is based largely on how you think people will treat you, negative things people have said to you about homosexuality, and a fear of simply not knowing what your life will be like. That's external, and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. Strip that away, you enjoy the thoughts of being with other men. Strip the same things away for me, and I'd still be terrified, because in reality my problem is pure, raw, irrational fear. If you need confirmation, look at the compulsion I mentioned earlier. I would repeat that was gay and needed to accept it. The reason this became a compulsion was because I wanted the raw terror to end, and I figured if I'd just accept, it would end. (I'd also talk about other themes, but again, space and time issues are constraining it.) problem with OCD is that I would then come up with explanations as for why I didn't like it. I'd tell myself that maybe I was still repressing something, or perhaps I simply wasn't trying hard enough. (Aside, how many gay/bi men had to work at enjoying gay porn and images of attractive men?) In my case, all of the evidence points to me being heterosexual. It's possible I'm not a perfect Kinsey 0, but if my prior desires, thoughts, and fantasies are any indication, a Kinsey 1 would likely be a stretch. OCD at it's core is completely irrational.

Furthermore, OCD has nothing in reality to do with sexuality. Even if you have OCD, being treated will not change your sexual orientation. You are confusing the theme with the disease. The theme is in reality irrelevant. While in both cases we suffer from fear, but your fear is based largely on how you think people will treat you, negative things people have said to you about homosexuality, and a fear of simply not knowing what your life will be like. That's external, and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. Strip that away, you enjoy the thoughts of being with other men. Strip the same things away for me, and I'd still be terrified, because in reality my problem is pure, raw, irrational fear. If you need confirmation, look at the compulsion I mentioned earlier. I would repeat that was gay and needed to accept it. The reason this became a compulsion was because I wanted the raw terror to end, and I figured if I'd just accept, it would end. (I'd also talk about other themes, but again, space and time issues are constraining it.)

Lastly, another thing to consider is that many mental illnesses are not behaviors that are in and of themselves aberrant. They are often behaviors and mechanisms that are perfectly normal in moderation that have gotten out of control. The chanting compulsion I mentioned: I could do that for a half an hour solid. In order to be diagnosed as OCD, your obsessions and compulsions must take up at least an hour a day to be clinically considered OCD. It's estimated that some 25% have some sub-clinical OCD tendencies. Even if you do turn out to have OCD, it has nothing to do with your sexual orientation, and treating it won't change it.

 

I'm curious for some other posters - possibly admins - thoughts on this. I, for one, have suffered from OCD symptoms for many years (as early as 7 or 8 from what I recall). One aspect of my denial is that I often chalked my questioning off to fears rooted in OCD - after all, the thought and fear of being gay crossed my mind well before any real attractions. I also had no early history of checking out gay porn, messing around with neighborhood friends, etc. I often feared that maybe my fears of being gay were somehow related to OCD rather than genuine.

However, the flip side, and my current thinking, is that while I do have some form of OCD, many of the OCD-like symptoms I feel today are caused by my genuine confusion over my sexuality. To speak more concretely - my inability to accept myself and my questioning has forced me to exert a great deal of control over myself - not saying the wrong thing, acting certain ways, keeping thoughts in my head. It takes a great deal of effort for many of us to keep our questioning secret. This could manifest in OCD-like symptoms. Being genuinely gay, bi, questioning can exacerbate all of this.

On a related note, I sort of disagree (and obviously take my disagreement with a grain of salt) with the idea that you shouldn't be in a position of forcing yourself to feel gay or that it is totally strange you don't feel anything in response to gay porn. I'm in a similar boat now. I feel, in some ways, like I am forcing this exploration. I think part of this is because I spent over a decade repressing, suppressing, and stifling any thoughts along these lines. I think it'll take me a little time of forcing myself to confront these thoughts that I've buried before they feel more natural to me.

In any event, unknown12, your post reads verbatim in many ways like many of my experiences. Its actually given me pause. OCD, in some ways, is like a moving target. You solve one problem and your mind is onto the next fear, which captures 100% of your attention. My biggest fear, in reality, is figuring out the issues surrounding my orientation, only to be terrorized shortly thereafter by something newer and scarier.

 

I think it might help if I break this down a bit further to give you an understanding of the difference between what you are afraid of, and what plagued me. Forgive me if I make any invalid assumptions as my knowledge about being not straight and the issues is can bring is all second hand. Even if I were a repressed bisexual or homosexual, I've never experienced consciously. Feel free to correct any mistaken assumptions on my part.

That said, I think it helps to think of two levels to be being gay (here a convenient shorthand for any non-heterosexual orientation), and really to being a sexual being in general. The first level is rather low level, instinctual. It's the attraction you feel for other people and your sexual desires. The second level is more conceptual, and really is one in which how you identify yourself in your own head. This identity constitutes a lot, including not only how you see yourself now, but how you see your past, your future, and how you will relate to the world.

Now, with coming out of to yourself, the overwhelming majority of the work is rewriting your own self concept, and a lot of the fears you face are from the unknowns. You have to effectively rewrite your life as you've seen it. It's a big task. However, that lower level rarely if even is involved in that change. Certainly, you'll understand what those feelings mean, and you'll likely let more of those feelings to the surface, but fundamentally those feelings are the same. You were attracted to men when you were twelve, and you still are. Your work is largely figuring out what this means to you.

For most heterosexual sufferers with this theme, however, the fear is much different. The stress and strain have little do with identity. Instead, it's a fear that the low level portion, the actual sexual and romantic feelings, are going to somehow to completely change. For me, I was afraid that I would never feel the softness of a woman's skin again, the smell of her hair, the longing for her when we are apart, the desire I feel seeing a beautiful women in various stages of undress, etc. It's the fear that most fundamental part of myself will be lost and ripped out, and what I will be left with is something entirely alien to not only who, but what I am.

No. Maybe once in a blue moon, I might get the mildly aroused, but it wasn't anything special. Not to be crude, but I would still remain soft as a pillow. There was no desire. The only reason I did it was to try to stifle the constant doubts, to root out any possible hidden desire so at least I would then know what I was, whatever and whoever that may be.

No, I meant that I thought the reason I would fail at enjoying fantasies about men was that maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. (Again, don't try to make sense of it. OCD is just irrational and makes no sense.)

With women, however, it just comes naturally to me. The desire to be closer, the desire for physical and emotional intimacy and affection are not things I've ever had to work. They come to me naturally just as I presume your attraction to men comes to you. Relationships can require work, but the feelings don't, and the sexual attraction certainly doesn't.

I can't tell you why you feel or for what reason you feel them. Only you could do that. I can only tell you my experiences with OCD and my sexuality as experienced it.

I can tell you that, in spite of being raised to believe that sexuality in and of itself was effectively evil unless you married (thanks Catholicism) and believing that sexual attraction caused men to mistreat women, I never had to try to show physical affection in that manner. In fact, the issue I had was trying to control my desires for women. When I was twelve, I found my mother's Victoria's Secret catalog, and resisting the urge to ogle the women in lingerie and masturbate about them was impossible. I'd even feel incredibly guilty about it and pray for forgiveness nightly, but it did no good. In relationships with women, the difficulty has been in trying to take it slowly and resisting the urge move physically with them too fast. I've only ever been in love once, but kissing her was like experiencing heaven. It was never something I resisted.

Well, at the risk of steering you in the wrong direction, I do still have to be honest. Yes, the stress from an OCD spike (a thought coupled with a massive jolt of anxiety) can cause erections because of the increase in blood pressure. I've had it happen a few times even with obsessions that weren't of a sexual nature. Erections, though related to sexual orientation, are only a component.

What is really important is what feelings cause you to have the erection. When you look at an attractive man, does it make you feel excited and happy? Do you want touch him sexually? Do you imagine what his body feels like? Does doing so make you feel excited and sexually aroused? If you answer yes, then you are sexually attracted to men. It's true that sexual obsessions can make you think you desire whatever you are afraid you are attracted to. A mother who is afraid she may molest her newborn baby will be terrified that she may have been aroused by her child. (I only mention this only because sexual obsessions in OCD can involve anything, not because there is any link between pedophilia and homosexuality. I've had this one, but it was more mild, ironically enough because I knew I should avoid doing anything with children, whereas if I wasn't straight, I felt it was my duty to understand and accept it.) The feelings, however, are totally different. There is no desire to do anything, only a thought coupled with crippling fear.

The one thing I want you to consider, however, is this: My worst fear, my real worst fear, that I lose my sexuality, is precisely what you will willfully do to yourself if you do not move forward and accept yourself for who you really are. You will be giving up on love, on passion, on connecting with other people, on everything that makes you human and makes life worth living. Is it really worth all of that?

---------- Post added 28th Nov 2011 at 11:16 PM ----------

Without having read any of your posts, it is possible for even young children with OCD to have sexual obsessions, including fear of being gay. If you are seeing a therapist for your OCD, talk it over with him/her. If not, find one.

Believe me, I know exactly where you are coming from, and while I can easily articulate what I've been going through on here, when I'm by myself it's difficult to tell what is OCD and what's not. I don't know if this helps, but a while ago I did talk to a few LBGT OCD sufferers who didn't have obsessions with their orientation. The big difference, they told me, was that before they came out to themselves, they could easily write off their non-hetersexual feelings as OCD and then be content in that until they started examining it. Once they did, the fears were the same as for non-OCD people coming out to themselves. The thoughts of doing things with members of the same sex were enjoyable, and they were only scary inasmuch as they could lead to negative external consequences. With OCD, the imagery that falls outside of one's orientation is scary in and off itself, and the fear is over whether or not the fear was actually desire in disguise.

I would definitely recommend you work this out with an OCD specialist, and sooner rather than later. The outcome, in fact, will determine whether or not you should even be on this site. If you aren't heterosexual, then here is the right place to come for advice. However, if this is the result of OCD and not your orientation, being here may very well be a compulsion in and of itself, and attempt to answer questions. This, like all compulsions, will only reinforce your OCD.

(To other readers: OCD is rather pavlovian. By giving into compulsions, you tell your brain that it was correct in generating the fear in response to the thought you had. In doing so, it strengthens the fear to thought connection, making OCD worse. When I say being here will make his OCD worse, it's not because I'm talking about any supposed influences of people, but the simple act of paying attention to OCD's nonsense.)

You could be right, but then again this definitely sounds to me like OCD based "what if" thinking. You are doing exactly what I did, trying to force a reaction to finally answer the question. In your case, you can't simply use the fear of being gay as credible evidence that you aren't straight. Do you enjoy gay sexual fantasies? If you've opened yourself up to them, and you still didn't enjoy them, then it's pretty unlikely that you are still repressing them at that point.

I know what you mean. If it makes you feel any better, though, while I'm still struggling with this theme, any new things that have sprung up since I've gotten on medication have not lasted the way they used to.

 

sorry to clarify on my post - where i bold underlined unknown 12, i meant to write imnuts. I meant to direct it to you.

 

Also, as one addendum to my last post, according to my OCD specialist, no, you would not have to try so hard if you were genuinely attracted to other men.

 

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a therapist or expert any more than anyone else in this thread is. So just take this as an anecdote from some guy on the internet that you can get a dime a dozen.


I'm unfortunately short on time to get into every point, but I'm too tempted to resist giving my own experiences.

Allow me, first, to quote the part that struck me the most:

I think that this is true whether it's OCD, repressed sexuality or any other obsession or problem: it's often only through talking about it (to others, or even just to yourself by writing it down in detail), that you can sift through confused thoughts.
It's nearly impossible to to look at thoughts while you're inside them. Even if you could otherwise give some pretty clear thoughts on other people with very similar issue.


It was a bit like that for me when I was still questioning. I couldn't help having the opposite emotional response of what you'd expect: giving in to gay attractions felt dirty, disgusting, and shameful, while getting off to straight fantasies and porn felt pretty OK.

And in retrospect it isn't hard to see why: I desperately wanted to be straight. When I was looking at girls or straight porn, I allowed myself to feel quite a bit of pleasure. this, of course, still being masturbation and fantasising, it was stell pretty OK as far as feelings went.
Meanwhile, all I had for gay fantasies were thoughts that already made me feel massively guilty even halfway through having them. That felt like they forced themselves into my mind while I really didn't want them to.

Drowning them out with straight fantasies worked a bit, which led to the odd situation that I was mainly getting off a lot to straight porn and fantasising to girls, while trying to get rid of this anxiety about never getting rid of the gay thoughts.

To confuse the matter further, I don't tend to feel attracted to people quickly. Normally, at first sight, neither men nor women do anything for me. Feelings of attraction have to creep up to me over weeks to months of knowing someone. Which made the "first impression test" unfeasible.

So, looking at that from the inside, it was quite impossible to figure out what the real thoughts and attractions were and what the obsession. What I was trying hard to feel and what I felt naturally.
If I figured it out, it was mainly because by the time I was 25, the "it's just a phase" excuse was wearing thin, and that after 12 or so years of it it was ever more unlikely to be a passing obsession.
Only after I resigned myself to being gay and stopped seeing it as a fate worse than death, did I find out that the thought stopped holding dread to me, that if I allowed it, fantasising about guys was way better than about girls, and I found that being gay was a better fit.


Now, don't get me wrong, I'm just adding to the list of experiences here, not telling anyone what sexuality they are. Believe you me, last thing I want is convert people to any sexuality.
Just that talking about what your fears and feelings are, writing them down in as much detail as possible and sharing them helps in making them more objective and figuring them out better, as well as to find similarities and differences in stories other people put out there.

 

Experience, thats how you feel better about it.
you said it yourself.

 

Imnuts, still thinking about some of your posts. Mostly because I've terrorized myself for many years with fears and "what if" thoughts attaching to other, completely unrelated topics (pretty much anything you can conceive of that's scary).

I am not letting this stand in the way of my questioning - I may very well be gay/bi or something other than straight. I am opening my self up to find the right answer.

However, like you, I think, beyond the issues surrounding sexual orientation, I have a genuine issue with obsessive compulsive disorder, which I will need to address. Gay, bi, straight - I'm still going to have to work on the way my mind works, because I've been having many of the obsessions you mention over the last decade or so and they won't go away even when I find my sexuality.

I don't know if it is allowed or appropriate, but any recs on OCD specialists based on your experiences would be helpful. I live in the same geographic area.