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Interesting conversation with my father....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 11 11 11, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. 11 11 11

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    Welp.


    Today while doing some fencing (erecting fences, not fighting with swords) - my father and I had a rather interesting discussion over lunch.

    Let me add that there is nothing more theraputic for your depressed, suicidal, possibly transgender, child - than getting them to lug around heavy wooden poles with their underdeveloped post-exam-period muscles, under the blazing Australian sun.


    And if you couldn't feel the sarcasm in that last paragraph. You don't deserve the ability to read.:icon_bigg

    Anyway - over a lunch of sandwiches, I pointed out to my dad, a small spider on the edge of the table, which after a few seconds, launched itself into the air and out the open door on a small silk parachute.

    The conversation flowed like this:

    Parachute spiders --> evolution --> Charles Darwin --> Natural Selection --> "Darwin said. It is not the strongest that survive. Or the most intelligent. It is the one most adaptable to change."

    then I decided to liven things up a bit.

    I dropped the comment: "Isn't it funny. Human society tends to be so resistant to change, but it's the very thing that's made us so successful. I mean, imagine if in the future, homosexual copules had a greater chance of surviving than hetero ones. People would take forever to get used to that."

    My dad replied with: "Yeah I suppose, but we would adapt eventually. Although you do have to wonder where the children would come from to ensure this survivial."

    I mentioned the experimental male pregnancy procedure that's been under development for the past 20 years or so (google it).

    My dad replied. "I guess that would be an option. That reminds me of those guys. Well I guess you can't call them guys. Those males, that want to be women...." he then does a bad act-out of this skit here:

    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBOQzSk14c
    [/YOUTUBE]


    I laughed, forcibly, afterwards. It was funny. But I realised that Stan's constant nagging about women was precisely what I do.....in every conversation with my friends....I'm always playing the women's-advocate.

    Not that I want babies.

    Anyway after that I asked dad: "Dad. Did you know what gender (my sister) was going to be before she was born?"

    He replied: "Nope, your mother and I agreed that we wouldn't know the gender of either of our kids before they arrived. More natural that way."

    He continued: "Although now that you mention it....I think we did know your sister would be a girl......I think mum changed her mind at the last minute....I seem to remember telling her 'no I thought we agreed on this!'"

    I said: "So....why did you have (my sister) anyway? Weren't you happy with me?"
    Dad: "Of course we were. :grin: When you came out....it was.....inspirational.....you were all wide-eyed and...from that day.... *happy sigh*
    "

    I shuffled on my seat.

    Dad: "But your mother wanted a girl. You know how she feels about advocating females, and I think she needed to have a daughter, after having a son. They say it's the Kings Choice. A boy first. Then a girl."

    Me: "Well, stuff the King, you should have had two girls."

    Dad: "Why?"

    Me: "Oh you know me dad, I love to oppose authority just for the sake of it. Especially royal authority."

    *laughter*

    Dad: "No. The reason we had a son first was because I wanted one. :icon_wink I just got lucky that I didn't have to wait for the second time around."

    Me: *silent*

    Dad: "You know I never realised how good those earlier years with you were....but now I think about it, having you kids was one of the best things in my life."

    Me: *silent*

    Dad: *smiling* "I was kinda wishing now would be the best times we spend together. Now that your older....we can do more things..." *looks out the window* "We need to work on that...."


    Well I was feeling down today - and that didn't help.

    But I guess at least he wasn't being verbally abusive about LGBT-peoples or....I dunno. Trying to point out attractive girls to me or something. :dry:

    All I know is I'm glad I didn't try to come out to him right then.



    _

    ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2011 at 07:15 PM ----------

    ^ Well I am really pissed off that Youtube link dosn't work.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Yeah, yeah... :roflmao:

    Anyways. Here's my standard disclaimer about interpreting people's actions and words from a distance and via hearsay, but...

    Personally these conversations give me a lot of hope. Your dad's comfortable talking about these things, and he even has a cultural touchstone for transsexual people. Heck, think about it: he doesn't know that being transsexual is even on your intellectual radar, and he's bringing it up in a, from what I can tell, totally non-judgmental way. This can't be a bad thing.

    And don't worry. Every dad says they want a son. What it really sounds like is that he loves his two children, very much, and wants to be part of your lives. So I still count that in the "yay for dad" category. :slight_smile:

    Indeed! He doesn't do these things often, does he? Pointing out attractive girls maybe, but again that's just a regular father-son thing, it doesn't by any means imply that he would be radically opposed to you being transsexual or anything.

    So, assuming I haven't misread anything, it sounds like the talk actually went pretty well. Your parents might end up being more receptive to this than you think. (*hug*)

    Maybe you can bring up the "Lumberjack" Monty Python song to him sometime. :grin:

    Hope the rest of the trip went...I was going to say "well," but I hope you had a decent time at least. :slight_smile:
     
  3. 11 11 11

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    Yeah the rest of the trip was just hot - hard work.

    It was fine all in all..

    Like you say - he's not a bad guy, and I wasn't trying to direct that conversation - I just let it happen.

    It does show how open-minded he is. I mean I guess I've said it before - but my parents are good people..

    It's just sometimes we don't get along *shrug*.

    However - I am in a way better position than a lot of other people - so I'll stop complaining now XD

    ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2011 at 07:23 PM ----------

    ^ Just for the record - he's never pointed out attractive girls to me. THANK GOD. I'd slap him in the face.
     
  4. Gravity

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    Oh my! That's something that I both want to see and don't want to see. :lol:

    Anyways, yeah. Maybe you don't get along sometimes (dear god, don't we all). But take this little bit of gratitude towards him and tuck it away somewhere. Use it to remind yourself how he really feels sometime in the future. :slight_smile:
     
  5. 11 11 11

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    Oh I do.

    I do.


    I don't hate the man or anything....
     
  6. Rinamir Mortem

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    Fencing with swords would have been a more dramatic start but whatever floats your boat :grin:

    I agree with Gravity. Your father seems very engagable and open and that is usually a good sign for the future. I think he would be the kind of person who would try to look on the bright side. Just keep probing him. Eventually he may catch on or already has and is waiting for you to tell him.
     
  7. 11 11 11

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    *nods*

    I've still got to decide within myself if I am Trans.

    Then I get all the joyful experiences of trying to come out :grin:
     
  8. phoenix42

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    You did a good job of indirectly directing that conversation and ended up learning a lot about your dad in the process. Good on you! I recognize the latter comments about how he wanted a son and he wants to have a better relationship with you these days as things my dad has said to me and understand the feelings it must create. To me, i feel guilty for my thoughts and feelings and that is when i tried to hide them the most. (I say tried because i'm past hiding anything now. I'm just being me and if they catch on and ask about it, and i'm at college so that's not likely, I'll tell them, if not, I tell them in a month anyway).

    I find it remarkable how similar your situation seems to be panning out. I really wish I could chat with you in private about stuff :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2011 at 09:14 AM ----------

    oh, and cheer up! you're too young to be "dead" emotionally! lol
     
  9. 11 11 11

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    ^ You're one to talk Pheonix - being only a year older than me and all. :grin:

    But we need to drag you into the chat room as soon as you become a full-member....along with Veronica. Jon Snow. FoxFire. Fugs......we'll all have a massive discussion on our trans issues..

    So hurry up and make loads of posts =P
     
  10. phoenix42

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    :dry: Hey! I'm not dead emotionally... just depressed and worried. Until I come here and feel like I have friends that kinda know the real me I guess. :icon_wink

    I'm trying to get there. Just not much I can really talk about because i'm pretty much in that mixture of figuring things out myself and I'm not of much help to others I don't think. I can be a good sounding board but I'm not going to be able to offer much personal advice as I have probably experienced much less than the person asking the question. I'll do what I can though, I promise. Eventually I'll get there, on that day, I look forward to a wonderfull chat in which we can all address problems in an easier fashion!
     
  11. 11 11 11

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    ^ Me too....

    About looking forwards to that chat - and having little experience.
     
  12. Ianthe

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    Monty Python's The life of Brian - I want to be a woman :slight_smile:


    Your dad definitely could have worse opinions about trans people than he seems to.

    It is always hard on parents--by changing your role in your relationship with them, you necessarily change theirs too, and many people define themselves in terms of their roles in family relationships. The same-gender parent often has an especially hard time, because there are gender-related things that are important to them in the relationship, and gender-specific things that they want to pass on as a parent.

    When you come out to them, your parents are likely to mourn the son they believed they had. This doesn't mean they don't love you, or that they won't love you for who you really are once they know.

    Keep in mind, your dad's comment about having always wanted a son was in a context in which he has no way of knowing that you are trans--from his perspective, you are the son he wanted, and telling you so was intended to make you feel closer to him, not the opposite.