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possibility of coming out to my family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bdman, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. bdman

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm a grown man in deep conflict with regards to the possibility of coming out to my family (parents and siblings). I've only recently come out to myself and have been thinking about this a lot. Being almost completely closeted makes it difficult to be able to seek out and connect with others like me. However, I know my family would not be supportive...they would be horrified. Immediate and extended family would see me as different, disgusting and some would reject me completely which would create further tension in the family.

    It's very difficult because I have ~60 family members living within 20 miles of me. We are a very close family and in fact most of my social life comes from family events or just hanging out with brothers/cousins etc... My immediate family (6 of us) is fundamentalist Christian and has very negative views on gays. As a kid I was indoctrinated with the beliefs that gays are sick, perverted individuals who made a disgusting life choice (I believed it). This is why it took me so long to accept myself for who I was.

    In short coming out would create a climate in which I could no longer be comfortable being part of my family. It would be embarrassing as I would be an outcast. Getting out would be difficult as they know where I live. Like the godfather line, every time I try to get out...they pull me back in (I'm Sicilian). Some would still expect me to still be part of the family, but not accepting which means I have still pretend like I’m still in the closet while they bombard me with anti-gay literature from Pat Robertson or James Dobson. Others will just make strange faces at me and talk about me behind my back. Others will make uncomfortable jokes right in front of me. Moving away is not the answer either since my current job is too important to me and maybe impossible to replace.

    The most difficult to come out to will be my mom who I have always been very close to. I have already tested her views on gays by mixing LGBT rights into our political discussions. She is of the mindset that God hates gays, the bible said it, she believes it and that settles it. This news will devastate her and she will go back and forth between the emotions of anger and sadness. The more I learn about myself and her views, I am already beginning to pull away and she senses it. She believes it’s our political differences and my growing atheism that are to blame. She is trying hard to keep a strong relationship as she keeps asking me to come over for dinner, let’s go out to lunch; I never see you anymore, etc... I'm finding agreeing spending time together more difficult than before and can't be honest.

    In preparation for coming out, I've purchased a booklet from a Presbyterian Church in NY that discusses homosexuality from a theological, sociological, psychological and scientific point of view in a Q/A format. Its purpose is to be a starting point to help educate, reduce fear and estrangement among families. But at best, they would open it up read a few sentences then close it and say, "I don't buy this". They would tell me that the devil is tempting me or society is confusing me or come up with some other ridiculous reason, but insist I can change. They may even hold an intervention for me where they all prepare letters of how choosing a “gay-lifestyle” negatively affects the family and how much I am hurting my loved ones. My family is just too large, news would spread quickly and I would be hopelessly outnumbered. So much of my life is at risk if I were to come out. I am finding it so difficult just to be around them now since I know what they would think of me. Things were easier when I convinced myself that I wasn't gay, I just had a brain defect or something.

    I suppose the answer is I can't come out, not unless I have to. I can’t come out at work for fear of hurting professional relationships and losing my status. All I have is a small support group I secretly go to once a month. They are great people, but it is such a tiny part of my life. I guess there not much else I can do.

    Wow this got really long, sorry about that. Thanks if you made it through this...
     
  2. caughtbywitness

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    I'm 16 and not going to stay in the closest as it'll just make me unhappy; but I understand.

    Prayers for Bobby is a great film that kinda deals with the issues you've pressed upon, have a look on youtube for it, maybe purchase it and decide to sit your family down to watch it, I'm sure that could at least make them think twice before you tell them; implying there that you should tell them and be true to yourself and your friends.

    At work, you are not obliged to tell anyone and it's not really necessary for people to know that kind of detail anyway; and most don't press it.

    Hope that helps at least a bit. :slight_smile:
     
  3. beckyg

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    Hello, as I read your post I see that you have alot of scenarios rolling around in your head on how your family is going to react to the news when really you don't know how they will react. I had Archie Bunker for a father and he accepted my son when he came out to him (the day after he came out to me and my husband) and told him "you're my favorite Grandson and I will always love you." Truthfully, I almost hit the floor I was so shocked! It took awhile for my Dad to find acceptance but today he still adores Adam and invites his partner to his house at Christmas. I still haven't convinced him to support marriage equality but hopefully I'll get there one day. :slight_smile: Both my family and my husband's family are also fundamentalist Christians and all have accepted Adam.

    Prayers for Bobby is excellent! I would also suggest downloading some PFLAG materials and suggesting to your mom (if you decide to come out) that she attend a meeting if there is one available in your area. PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

    Instead of focusing on how your whole large family will react, try focusing on coming out to your mom and see how she reacts first. It really might not be as bad as you have imagined. A mother wants her child to be happy in most cases instead of living a lie!
     
  4. anatta

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    You might be able to slowly soften their feelings over time if you can get them to think of the issue from a different perspective. It's quite possible that to them a gay person is just someone who has sex with people of their own sex not someone with exclusive same-sex attractions. They might even believe that no one has genuine same-sex attraction, or people who have them but don't act on them might not meet the definition of 'gay' that they're using when they tell you how bad those people are, in which case they might begin to empathise with the situation of gay people if you can get them to imagine some realistic examples of what it's like to grow up different in that way. Maybe in time they will think about it enough to override their fear of letting any thoughts threaten their religious programming and understand how unfair it is to expect gay people to live a straight lifestyle when having gay relationships would hurt no one but having straight relationships would. Afterall it doesn't sound like they have had any known exposure to real gay people, and no reason to try imagining what it would be like to be a real gay person, as opposed to the mythical archetype they have in their mind.

    Their definition of gay men might be child molesting irresponsible party animals whose sex life is just one part of a life of general depravity. In some places it's believed that same-sex sex is a form of deliberate rebellion, like burning a Bible or something. That people do it to be provocative of people or rebellious towards the revelant god(s). This is actually what people in most of Europe believed for centuries, which is why there was no word for 'gay' or 'bi' for so long - it was believed that everyone had opposite-sex attractions and that the people who were getting caught having gay relationships were not doing it because they were attracted to or loved each other, but because they were serving the devil, couldn't find a woman at that moment, etc.

    To test this, I would ask what they would say to somebody who came to their church explaining that they had same-sex attractions, asking what to do about it. If they would not turn this person away outright but suggest how they might change or become celebate or whatever, then you'll have a starting point from which to work. They might never have considered what it would be like to have genuine same-sex attractions while not also being someone who wants to rebel anyway. Make up a person you've met whose church had that happen, or make up someone who's asked you for advice about being gay, or something like that. Basically, invite them to have compassion for the people who are gay but don't want to be... it's not perfect AT ALL but it might be a necessary starting place.

    I hope that's half decent advice. :confused:
     
    #4 anatta, Nov 28, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2011
  5. bdman

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    caughtbywitness and Becky

    Yes, I did watch Prayers for Bobby...actually that movie is what got me started coming out to myself. I first started watching coming out vids and was amazed how comfortable they were with themselves. Then I found a link to the movie. I found it interesting because Marry Griffith is exactly like my mom (The way she was then). I was several years younger than Bobby, but of course going through this process now as an adult as opposed to a teenager. One wonders how it would have turned out if Bobby didn't commit suicide. Would Mary have gone through her transformation?

    You are right about my over analyzing, but I do that with everything. (I can't help it). I can't be sure how my mom will react, but imagine trying to convince Pat Robertson to support LGBT rights. Probably wouldn't get very far, and my parents continue to donate money to the 700 club.

    Actually, PFLAG was the support group I was talking about in my original post. I went a couple of times, and found it to be a safe place to talk for the first time. The people there were great and they did give me some materials. That is also where I got the booklet written by the folks at the church in NY.

    Becky, if you 're fundamentalist Christian - doesn't your church (or your husbands) fight against LBGT rights? Didn't they try to get Adam into a conversion program?

    anatta - you are right my family has never had to deal with this issue and are very ignorant. I think I'm going to have to back off a bit for now, if I talk about it too much they will start getting suspicious.

    thank-you everybody.
     
  6. bdman

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    Is it wrong to want my family to let me go (cut off all contact) if they can't find any way to support who I am?

    I just don't think I can deal with the constant disapproving glances and preaching I would constantly get from all of them.
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Well, my first advice would be to keep going to PFLAG. See if you can make some friends.

    Some day, it's likely that you will decide to come out. When that happens, you really want to have an alternative support system in place, so that you have people to lean on while you and your family go through the coming out process.

    It's likely that some people will surprise you. In fact, the most likely scenario is that some of your family will accept you and some will not. Even though right now it seems like they all have the same opinion on this subject, they are unlikely to all react the same way when it comes down to it. It's likely to be people you would never expect that turn out to support you. And some people will accept it over time, even if they don't at once.

    The only case where a family is likely to respond as a monolith is if you are in a cult like the Westboro Baptist Church, where any member supporting you would also face expulsion and eternal damnation. Otherwise, you are likely to get a whole range of responses. It's really amazing, how some people's opinions on the subject can transform almost instantly, when it's someone they know. And in the kind of environment you are in, there may be some people who already think differently, who don't voice their opinion because it is unpopular and there is no pressing reason to do so. If you come out, there will suddenly be reason to do so.

    In a group of 60 people, as close-knit as you describe, I think it's almost impossible that you would lose them all. Some will probably accept you at once, or nearly at once, and more will accept you over time.

    The thing is, they know you, and they love you. For some of them, just finding out that YOU are gay will make them question all the false things they have been told about gay people. Watching you live as a gay man and have loving relationships over a period of years, well, that will probably do it for most of them.

    It can be hard to remember when you've been raised in that in environment, but they really are wrong. The things they believe about gay people are false. They are observably false. In observing you and your life, reasonable people in your family will learn that they are false. The truth will become evident, and lies will be dispelled.

    It is this reason that gay politics has stressed the importance of coming out. When we remain closeted, the people around us do not have the opportunity to learn the truth. They go on believing the false things they have been taught. It is only by knowing us and knowing the truth about us that they are ever given reason to change their minds, to think again.

    I think you should worry about what to do if they can't find a way to support you when it happens. Just take everything one step at a time. And try to remember to think of them as individuals, and not as a mass. Instead of thinking about whether they will accept you as a group, consider each person separately.

    Out of all the 60 family members, is there anyone that you think might support you? I mean just one. Because usually, we start by coming out to just one person. It's not an all-or-nothing thing.

    (*hug*) It will be all right. What you are going through now, learning to accept yourself and coming out to your family, is really the most difficult thing, and afterwards, it gets better.
     
  8. bdman

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    Unfortunately no, they are all very homophobic/religious and anti-gay. Telling one person is like telling everybody. There would be this chain reaction kind of thing. I would be the biggest most horrific news to hit the family. The ones who would disown me, are not the ones that bother me as I wouldn't have to face them anymore.

    Anyway I hope you are right that some may surprise me. They never had to deal with this subject before and being related to me may force them to change their opinions in time. I suppose I'll find out one day.
     
  9. Doctor Faustus

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    Hi there. Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

    It sounds like you have a lot of things bottled up inside you. As well as echoing what others have said, a suggestion I would add is try keeping a diary for one week. For five minutes before you go to bed, write/doodle/scribble/draw/do whatever else you want to do in that diary. Get all your anxieties out there. That way, you can put them away safely and be ready in the morning better equipped to deal with them. If you find it useful after that week's trial, keep going with it!

    Hope this helps. Someday, it'll get better, I promise. (*hug*) Do talk to me if you need to.

    Best,

    Dr. Faustus.
     
  10. bdman

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    Thanks for your advice. I definitely do have a lot bottled up. I never kept a diary before, but I can see how it might be therapeutic. I'll give it a try.

    I know "it'll get better" is just a nice little saying, but I sure hope it's true.

    thanks,