This is my story

So, for the last 6 weeks, i had a pain in my in my abdomen. This pain would not go away and would increase in strength with regard to the amount of stress I was going through. I'm in law school, so its understandably, its normal develop symptoms from stress.

Anyway, got a USG , no tumours or abnormalities, liver test , and stomach tests, no problem.

Anyway, lying in bed I tell myself I'm gay and see the results, full on satisfaction.

It seems like I don't know anything anymore, who I am, who I was, and who people thought of me as.

I'm also catholic, been born in a strict family, and always had an answer from my parents in regards to any problems i've had.

I guess this is me. I don't like it all that much though, but what is there to do then accept it and move on, be true to myself and live my life.

Its just that I've never really been into anyone, really besides myself, and now I realize that throughout the years there were huge signs, and I guess I avoided them by compulsively masturbating to porn.

I've only had one real girlfriend, 1 . 5 years ago for 4 months before grad school started and though we met up again when I came back, I still felt like I wasn't all that attracted to her as much as before.

I don't know if I'm in , I don't know if I'm out, I'm just me.

Anyway, I'm going back to my parents place this winter, and don't know what to do.

The worst thing about it all, is that if I come out there, i have a feeling my best friend, who I haven't seen in a year will also come out, and his whole family, who is all my family hangs out with, will blame me, and i don't want to see that.

what do i do? I've told one friend everything, but he's super non judgmental and trustworthy, so I don't know what else to do.

Like i said, i've been with numerous women, but most of them "never got me", and after the sex, I just felt incomplete. the girl i was with before got me, but we've grown into different people and she's in Japan.

I'm just sick of blaming people and myself and situations through my past, for who I am.

i guess throughout my life, i would always tell my parents " you don't know me' and now, i guess it was true.

and, its not that i was homophobic back in my youth, but i was always kind of like the man's man, and then in college, bonded with other guys by seeing if we could get girls phone numbers and sleep around with them.

its affected my studies, and I can't come to grips with it.

and now, im just sick of it, though i still look at women, and think she's beautiful, i don't know if im doing it out of habit, or as one looks at art. And i still hear that voice saying " call that girl" and then i get that feeling in my side like somethings not right....

The worst part is i guess that , I've always envisioned myself with kids, and doing the family stuff that I did with my parents back in the day, and teaching them about life.

i don't know what to do.....