need advisor/counselor support...idea of sex acts makes me feel weird

hi advisors and well meaning members, i need some advice adn support

i have recently started to acccept personally that i like guys. i mean i knew this before but i was in denial. i'm still in denial to others (i dont tell them or avoid the subject) but i am more comfortable with me knowing this information for myself right now. for me that has been a hurdle. im starting to try and feel better about it. i felt territble before and really just wanted to vanish.

so sometimes i get lonely of course (im single) and i would like to be with someone. when i see a guy sometimes i get sexually turned on and those types of thoughts run through my head. then sometimes tehre's this guilt and shame asssociated with it in my head an i feel dirty for thinking those thoughts and then the idea of same sex sex acts feels dirty. but in my head i know there's really no differnce between same sex and opposite sex sex acts jsut the parts are different. to add more background, i used to also think sex with women was dirty and wrong after the act took place. i would feel guilt and shame about it.

i am christian. so now i feel the same guilt and shame regarding guys after i have sexual thoughts about them. so its weird. it's like part of me wants to be in a relationship with a guy at some point but then there is this other part that beats myself up for the thoughts later. i'm not sure how to get past this and i know it would be really hard for someone to deal with me. heck, im not sure i would even want to if the shoe was reversed.

do you have any advice on this? is this normal

 

OP here. one other thing i failed to mention is that i have a bit of OCD about sex and stds. anything sexual (protected) makes me go into a tailspin.

if i kiss someone i'm worried about herpes or whatever else they may have in their mouths. i also worry...maybe they have performed anal licking on someone recently and may have hepatisis. even though i know it would it is unlikely and that the kissing woudl have to take place very shortly after they licked down there.

i can't really get unclothed with someone or get to the point where clothes are coming off because i am afraid that something may touch and there could be transfer of hpv or warts or whatever else may be hidden there or shedding.

i have not had sex with a guy (with girls yes and i had the same concerns) but if so, i would be afraid the condom would rip and then exposing me to whatever is down there.

the thought of oral in theory sounds fun but OCD takes over andall the diseases start to come to mind and it turns me off. i would want and need full condoms on both people for this. even then i would think that if i did it to someone and my mouth touched an non condom protected area, then i'm a gonner.

as you can probably tell, this is mentally and physically exhausting and really further prevents me from being able to move into being in a relationship with someone or even exclusively dating.