today is one of those days. i got really annoyed last night with life and thinking about being gay and all. it's almost like i'm forcing myself to accept something that i'm not even ready for or comfortable dealing with. i know that i'm gay and all but at the same time, i don't feel like being burdened with everything that comes with being gay right now. so i pretty much decided to shut myself away from all of that for the moment. is that the right thing to do though?
personally it sounds like a denial/avoidance technique. it will work temporarily, but you will be right back to where you are. if it was that ez to shut it down, you would have been shut it down before. but if for your own mental sanity you need to say to yourself, "ok i know i have these feelings but i can't deal with all this crap right now and i'm going to put this on the shelf and just focus on something else that has nothing to go with liking guys", then yea, go for it. that can help you get through the rough spots but you will come back to it. another way to handle it is to just take it in pieces. for instance, if you see a guy you like, dont worry about trying to talk to him, or if he likes you or if he is gay or what if someone think you are gay because maybe you looked a little too long than you were supposed to, just in your mind accept that you had the feeling that he was hot and you know what's it ok. do not think of anything else. do not beat yourself up about it. ok he was a hot guy, big deal and move on. try this for a while. after you have done this for a while you will start to think "ok, i see some guys that are hot and you know what's whats really that big deal about that. other guys see hot girls and think they're hot. i just think some dudes are hot". the problem that happpens is that inside many of us think this is sooo wrong, sooo diffenrt and we hate ourselves, we hate what others wills about us, we just feel terrible inside for somethign that honestly when you break it down (he was an attractive dude). that s not that big of a deal. yes, the other stuff is harder but if you are going to go on the journey, you gotta first tackle the small stuff so you will be ok wtih teh other stuff later.
I did that before. Lasted about a month before I fell even more bitter and depressed. You can purge all your contacts with gay people and ideas, but you can't quite purge it from yourself.
i know what you mean, but its not like its something that can be rushed. i was in that kinda mood for almost 2 years and only recently came to terms with accepting it after talking to a really understanding friend. And while I'm still at the point where I really don't want to deal with everything that comes with being gay (the stereotypes, awkward reactions, just lack of understanding and prejudice) I know its something I will be able to handle in time and I'm sure you will be too I think its important to just take a step back sometimes, look at how far you've come, and just breathe
needshelp, I just *love* the name of this thread! This pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? I've been in a very happy same-sex relationship for 25 years, and I still have those days...and also those days when I get sick of being bisexual and having those other unsatisfied desires...and also those days when I get sick of my job and want to stop thinking about that...and those days I get sick of my partner's bigoted parents, and want to stop thinking about them. I don't think there is *anything* wrong with putting these thoughts out of your mind for a few days, if you need a break...but let them back in when you hear them scratching gently at the door...don't make them break it (and you) down. It's possible that as you say, you aren't ready for this yet...but you know it's out there to be dealt with, so wait until you are ready. But don't forget it's out there...it'll want in before long...don't grudge it its return visit...ultimately, these thoughts are there to help you realize who you are and let yourself be a *happier* person.
you mentioned it at the top of your post. i am avoiding it intentionally because it's very stressful to me and i honestly can't handle it and i'm focusing on other things as well. this whole experience to me is like pulling teeth. everything from registering on here, masturbating to guys again since the first time since i was either 12 or 13 to going to the lgbt center and telling someone in person that i'm gay. it pretty much hurts to kill something that i created and believed in for so long. it's like witnessing a death of a loved one that you are very close to. this straight guy that never was which i poured all my energy into creating only to hide from the inevitable that i knew was there. i'm scared to be gay. it's who i am but i'm afraid of just letting it be. maybe that's why i still am holding on to whatever. it's hard to let go. i still have that hope that one day that i'll be straight and all of this will go away but everytime i think i've won or fought the gayness off, it comes back in some shape or form where i'm faced with it again. honestly, i could live denying that i'm gay because i've done that for 12 years but at the same time i probably would be haunted by it by another gay guy popping up out of nowhere and acting on his gaydar around me exposing my insecurities of me hiding behind that closet door. that's how i felt when every single time there was a gay guy that was around me and straight up horned in where i was like "oh shit". well, that's the thing. time, even though it's moving quick, has really been going slow with this and the pain that comes along with the death of the straight guy that i lied to myself about and the gay guy that always was coming about and roaming free has been annoying the hell out of me. it's like i constantly think about how my life will be after i fully accept that i'm gay and come out the closet. how will the people around me act? you know, i just want to be able to live a life worry free where i could be me and not feel like shit in doing so. honestly, i'm from north jersey too and i feel that over here is a bit stagnated when it comes to helping gay guys like myself help themselves in terms of acceptance. there's a bunch of towns that have a large gay community like montclair and maplewood/south orange but there's no real gay center though which offers support like the one in new york does. i think it would make things a little easier to have a support group right where i'm at that makes this whole process a bit easier. but yeah, on the last thing you said, that's very true. ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2011 at 10:54 PM ---------- :icon_sad: yeah, that's the thing.... running away is always helping me right now from suffering a nervous breakdown because i was real close to it last night i think coming home from work feeling upset at something else already and dealing with this as well. but at the same time, running away from this is only going to make things worse eventually. :dry: the last few years have been showing me this. :eusa_doh: i just want to get this whole thing over and done with where i can be at 100 percent peace and confident with myself. right now, i'm basically at war with myself and those around me.
