I decided that since I've been hiding in the closet for so many years (almost to the point of paranoia in many cases), it might be healthy to talk about my issues and lingering fears with a professional counselor who might be schooled in what kind of advice to dispense of. Insurance should cover the cost of the visits, and I've told my parents about it... My dad asked, "why not just tell us now what bothers you, since you say it's neither mental illness nor depression"? I replied, "I still feel too embarrassed to tell you and mom", to which he answered, "Is it something sexual?... well never mind, I'll let you sort it out with the psychotherapist first." So I'm glad he at least got a hint, to cushion any shock he might receive from the final news later on. Presumably, the first thing I'll ask the counselor is how to come out to my Parents and extended acquaintances. I realize this site has already given me suggestions, but seeing a professional face-to-face might help smooth out the transition to finally coming out to my parents and eventually those in the wider world important enough to know. I'll post updates in this thread to let you know if anything changes as a result of my consultation with the therapist. Maybe 3-4 visits will prove sufficient. By the same token, I'm well aware that as much depends on my own intuitions and feelings as the help that I'll receive.
It sounds like you're going in with the right frame of mind. Just make sure you open up fully, as tough as it might be. Hopefully, you'll be in a better spot soon. Lex
I think that's its awesome that your going to talk to a professional. That's fantastic and takes a big amount of courage! It's something that I've always wanted to do but never could find the strength or courage! Good luck and keep us posted
So I saw the therapist, and was a bit disappointed. He didn't actually help much, outside of nodding his head with a lazy smile and adding tidbits of advice that have already been propounded on this website. I don't feel any more emotionally prepared at this point to come out to either of my parents. So what do I do?
i know people also say go to a therapist and that will help. the point is some are good and some are not so great. some actually have great ways to help you think differently and see things you may not have thought before. others just listen and nod and offer things you could have told yourself. finding a good one is hard because you have to open up each time to each person. sounds like the first visit wasn't so great but mostly they aren't because the therapist is trying to get an understanding of the entire situation. i suggest going back for a second visit. if you do not feel like it is beneficial at that time or that he is helping you, then try someone else. also, its a good idea to walk in with some goals: 1 feel like crap about my sexuality and i want to eventually feel better about it and i need your help in trying to feel ok with this. i'm not sure how to do this... i want to come out to my parents but i'm scared of what they will think and it's preventing me from coming out.... when the cousnelors know exactly what you want help with they can help you better.
The majority of theoretical orientations in psychotherapy are intended to encourage the client to be self-directing. As such, therapists schooled in these frameworks are very reluctant to directly give advice. So it isn't necessarily that the therapist was a bad therapist, just not what you're looking for. I had a therapist who was very non-directive and while he wasn't the best therapist I ever worked with, he did help me quite a bit... though I wasn't really looking for advice so much as help with self-reflection at that point. That's one of the reasons I always recommend that you talk to at least 3 or 4 therapists on the phone first, discuss what their approach is, and what you're looking for, and see how you feel in the initial conversation before setting up an appointment. That helps to avoid the sort of situation you just ran into, and most therapists are happy to oblige. For what's going on for you in particular, speaking with one of the advisor team here over IM might be helpful to you. The advisors are mostly focused on practical help and suggestions; none of us at EC (except Blair, our social worker) are licensed therapists, but the team is pretty good at helping people with coming out issues. If you'd like to speak to me or any of the rest of the advisor team, feel free to send a PM and we'll be happy to help.
hi chip what is the best way to do this over the phone becuase i have found a few therapists to be a bit insulted and vague when i ask them questions about their approach to dealing various issues. also, the thing is somethimes u dont get the therapist and you get the asssistant that is nosey aand wants to know what the issue is regarding so that they can call you back. this has happened several times and in fact one time i said i would rather speak to the docdtor about this and they person got an attitutude problem with me. i mean, if you are calling a therapist you are already on edge so i didnt need the extra drama. i just dont wnat to disclose what this is all about to some random person on the phone.
Hey, Well couple thoughts: First, make sure you're seeing a clinical social worker or a psychotherapist, NOT a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are medical doctors and receive little training compared to the others in actually conducting therapy. They are also much more likely to hide behind assistants and office people than social workers and psychotherapists are. Second, if a therapist is genuinely offended, vague, or otherwise un-engaging when you speak with them... you have your answer right there. That isn't the therapist for you. I think it's reasonable to say to an assistant "I have some issues regarding my sexuality" or even "It's personal and, no offense, but I just don't feel comfortable disclosing to anyone other than the person who'd be seeing me" or something like that, and that should be enough for the assistant. If it isn't... again, it's the wrong therapist for you because if they can't even train their assistant to be sensitive, they're probably a shitty therapist. You can directly ask the therapist what sort of theoretical framework they use. Common ones these days are: -- cognitive-behavioral (CBT), which almost everyone uses, but if it's the *primary* framework, you want to avoid that therapist. "Positive psychology" is sort of an offshoot of this, with the same caveats. Both can be really helpful for things like dealing with symptoms of anxiety and depression, but not-so-great for dealing with the underlying issues that cause those problems. -- Insight-based, which is working more with things in your past. Takes longer, but actually solves the problem more than CBT/Positive does. -- Existential, Rogerian, Humanistic. Can also be really helpful, and looks at the issues you have in relating to others, and how you "fit in" to the world. -- Eclectic. A mix of various methods. The best therapists are usually pretty eclectic. These are gross oversimplifications but give you some idea of the differences in the most popular frameworks. But even more important is simply the "feel" you get from the therapist. Does she/he sound like someone who is caring and warm and nonjudgmental? Will you feel comfortable disclosing everything to this person, or could you be with time? If you don't get that sense, then keep looking. Feel free to PM me if you need more suggestions, or want to talk about specific input you've gotten from a therapist you spoke with.
I was already seeing a psychotherapist before I decided to come out as far as I have. He has been a great ear to listen to me, clarify may thinking, and let me reconsider some of my actions before I got too far along. I was talking to a friend of mine who came out when he was 16 and did so with the help of a therapist who became his life-long therapist and friend. (She died recently and he hasn't found another.) Be comfortable with him or her. And unload everything on you mind...don't hold back. I guaranty you, your counselor will not be surprised by anything you might say or any feeling you express. An experienced one has heard it all! Good luck. And listen to Chip!!! Tracker
Hi Chip, this is such a wonderful summary of the kinds of psychotherapy and how to go about finding a therapist. Thank you! I would use this with friends, if needed I will have to offer a mild correction to the first piece of your advice. My therapist, who falls under the eclectic/insight-oriented (non-directive with advice only when absolutely necessary) classifications, is a psychiatrist and she is thoroughly trained in psychotherapy. And I see her weekly. Psychiatrists who offer psychotherapy (or even psychotherapy as the primary mode of treatment) do exist, only they that are not the majority, and they often are in private solo or small group practices. SP
When I first saw my therapist it was a completely screwed up period of my life (it still is, but for other reasons). I had no idea about what being gay should be, I had no idea how to work with my emotions or talk to people or anything else. I was ignorant. All I knew was that I was attracted to males, absolutely couldn't care less about females, that I was deeply depressed and profoundly lost. And in that state I was to go see a person interested, educated and trained in exactly the problem I was having. A homosexual therapist finalizing a phd, working full time in psychotherapy, working over time volunteering at an lgbt centre. Plenty of experience and just perfect for me. I expected a magical out-of-hat solution for all my insecurities, a sort of checklist to go through, an algorithm to open my closet directly to happiness. Now.. I kept telling myself that that wasn't how it worked, surely, that I would be needing at least a couple more sessions, but of course that didn't change my disappointment at all. Afterwards, I asked myself what the hell had I just paid for (I didn't care about the money, but it was a simple way to express frustration). God, I was sitting there, feeling rather uncomfortable and hot and trembling - speaking! She (yep, the therapist is a woman) was just sitting in her chair listening. I could have done that with a picture of her or in front of a mirror for that matter. Very disappointing indeed. I was pretty sure one time was enough. However, I went again, and again. I've been going since spring and although that's nothing in terms of experience some people here have, it's plenty to me. Partly because of therapy I was able to keep myself calm and less pessimistic than before. I've managed to do some things I didn't expect so soon. I do have deep problems now, but that's unrelated and it would have been much worse if it were without therapy. What I am trying to say is that the solution finally comes from yourself and not the therapist. With time the mere fact that you are actually pronouncing the words you fear other people to hear is liberating. I came out to a couple of people lately and I know it would have been impossible without her, that is, my therapist. I know it's frustrating. The fact is, when I go to an expert, I expect them to solve my problem. I would be very upset with a plumber who just stood by me while I fiddled around with my installations and he refused to even tell me if I was handling the right pipe. Unfortunately, you can't leave your brain to be fixed while you do the shopping. So.. give it a little time, be sure to go again, and if you still feel there's no progress, try a different therapist. But do try again. It comes with time, really.
Yes, there absolutely are exceptions to the rule. I knew of an amazing psychiatrist that did quality psychotherapy, shamanic healing, body-based energy healing... and would also prescribe medications when necessary. But these are maybe 1 in 1000 based on my experience, and as far as therapy skills... that's something a psychiatrist would have to take additional time after medical school to study, because it's covered only minimally in school. But if you can get the psychiatrist on the phone to have a conversation and find out if s/he is a good fit for your needs, and you feel good about the conversation, then by all means it's worth considering. There just aren't a lot of ones like that out there.
