Am I really gay?

You shouldn't get hung up about it. If you like boys then you like boys. No need to label yourself, especially if it is causing unhappiness.

Also, anal sex is not the end-all-be-all of gay intercourse. There are plenty of gay men who just aren't into it. Out of curiosity, what about it bothers you? Personally, I think anal sex is very pleasurable, and can be very intimate with a receptive and caring partner.

Also, the fact that you are apathetic toward relations with women and continue to refer to men as "hot" or that you want a romantic relationship with a man is a pretty good indicator of your sexual and romantic orientations. Stop trying to fight it and learn to embrace it. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to guys.

 

I kind of get where you're coming from, Kelly. I'm still struggling to understand and accept my sexuality (whatever it might be), and I often have worried that my attraction towards men (and/or less-than-"ideal" attraction towards women) is a result of not having enough female friends. Sometimes I think that I might feel more attraction for men than women because I get very little attention from women, as it were, and am trying to make up for that.

But... I also think that when I think like the above, that sort of rationalising is a smoke-and-mirrors tactic of avoiding being honest to myself. I actually met two friends-that-are-girls by coming out to them (one of them to try and claim a cute guy before she could!) Once I did come out to them, and started being more honest about myself (at least around them), I found it easier to get along with them than before I came out.

Of course, I sometimes tend to be a shameless flirt, so even with them knowing I'm bi, it sometimes doesn't stop me using tongue-in-cheek humour... You might find that you become more easy going around women (and possibly men) when you begin sorting out how you feel, honestly.

How do you feel about it (leaving out what you think others might think of you, or what "society" might think)?

 

There's really no need to label yourself when you don't feel like it. The only reason we all do is because we find a source of resolve in the problem regarding our sexuality. If you think you are gay, then you are one. If you think you are bisexual, then you are one. But before settling with that one answer you made to yourself, it's always good to consult yourself, "Is this really what I want and what I feel being?"

Liking anal sex is not a requirement in being gay. Some happen to enjoy it, some don't. Also, you don't need to fit yourself in stereotypes. As far as they go, you can only partially fit yourself in them. They aren't that accurate anyway since they don't apply to all gays in general.

You don't have to worry too much about this. You can take your time and just feel how life goes and let it bring out the answers for you. I wish you well^^

 

>>>On the other hand, I really hate the idea of having anal sex...After all, although I find guys hot I really can't go all the way in terms of sex.

It's been long enough that I don't trust my memory anymore when it comes to exact facts and figures, but I think the overall picture is what's important. But I remember reading a couple of studies about gay couples and their sexual practices. I don't recall the exact percentage that said they "rarely" or "never" participate in anal sex, but it was something along the lines of 40%. Point being, being gay doesn't mean you like anal. In addition, right now, your sex life is hypothetical. It's very easy to imagine what your boyfriend and your relationship will be like. And then, once you actually GET a boyfriend, it might surprise you to find out that the reality isn't much like the fantasy. But most often, the reality ends up being better. Because it's real, y'know? You might end up deciding to try anal, and you might end up liking it. Or you might not decide to try it. Either way, it'll sort itself out.

Lex

 

>>>If that's true, and anal sex is not required for gay sex, then I'm already ready to have gay sex in real life.

Gay sex is a buffet. (Honestly, straight sex is, too.) There's a long list of things you can do and try. Some you might want to do right away. Some you might want to do (nearly) every time. Some you might want to try once in a while, or sample once to see if you like it. And some you might never try at all. It's all good.

>>>However, I forgot to include another evidence to put in doubt that I'm gay. The thing is, when I look at celebrities (which are supposed to be the hottest people on earth) older than 40, I don't find any guy attractive.

Dude, you're 23. It'd be somewhat surprising to find out that you had a thing for 40+ guys. Speaking in vague generalities, people tend to be attracted to people roughly their own age. That isn't to say you can't find older or younger people attractive, but it's more common to find people your own age attractive. And it's common for that range to move along with you as you get older. And thank heaven for that, or I'd still be mooning over those stupid 18-year-old skate rats that I thought were cute when I was 18.

Lex

 

i think you're just afraid of accepting that you're gay and you're bargaining. i completely understand why you're doing because you don't want to label yourself something you're not 100 percent sure of. but look at it like this, even if you had an attraction to girls, is it as strong as your attraction to guys? in other words, let's say you finally ran into a woman you were very much attracted to and she was also attracted to you. would that alone completely kill off your attraction to other guys or will it end up intensifying to the point where you're still checking out other guys and having man crushes?

 

Having anal sex isn't gay. You don't need to have or want anal sex to be gay. In fact, I am very gay, but anal sex is low on my list of sexual activities. My straight roommate puts anal sex really high on his list.

Sex acts don't define sexual orientation. It's all about what you like and don't like.

I understand what you're saying about inflating your attraction to women to make yourself fit the bisexual label, I did that too at one point. You really have to sit back and just be 100% honest with yourself. If a woman you found attractive came up to you and wanted to have sex with you, would you do it? If it was a man you found attractive, would you do it?

Personally, I have no attraction to women. My mind has never had unconscious thoughts about touching a woman. I still tried to trick myself, but once I was honest, I realized that I enjoy liking men, the only reason I tried to fool myself was because everyone else assumed I liked women, so I thought I was supposed to.

Also, don't view anal sex as "going all the way." It's annoying when a guy thinks getting it in is the most important part, when really, you can go all the way without ever inserting anything into anyone.

 

Just 'cause you don't want to have anal sex doesn't mean you aren't gay, and not all gay guys hang out with or make friends more easily with girls.

 

>>As I told another person, if homosexuality was just considered normal I would be looking for a boyfriend right now

Whom considers homosexuality to abnormal? I could recite a dozen examples, from statistics, psychology, sociology, Buddhist philosophy, life experiences, etc., that basically says that homosexuality is normal and healthy. :lol: Challenge the perception/belief that homosexuality is abnormal - most people use that stereotype without thinking or challenging it themselves.

If you want to look for a boyfriend - go for it! Be patient, though - I've found in my own struggle with sexuality that patience and kindness is paramount :icon_wink

 

Generally speaking, gay people have a pretty broad view of what constitutes sex.

Certainly, it is much broader than most straight people have. Some straight people will even argue that anal sex "isn't really sex," as in "yeah, she and her boyfriend have anal sex, but she's still a virgin." (And then these same people who are preserving their technical virginity--for religious reasons, some of them--will get all prudish about "gay sex," even though by their definition of sex, gay people never engage in it.)

Gay people on the other hand usually think that if there is genital touching and an intent to orgasm or sexual gratification, it's "real sex."

I sometimes wonder if some of the ideas straight people have about gay people being more promiscuous arise from gay people saying they are having sex when they are doing things straight people don't think of as really being sex--so that straight people may be doing exactly the same thing, and just not calling it "sex."

There is no particular sexual act that you absolutely have to engage in as a gay man.

That said--do you mean, you wouldn't want to perform oral sex ever again on someone after anal, or just, you know, before washing? There is certainly no reason you should ever have to perform oral sex on someone right after anal sex. That sounds like the sort of thing that mostly happens only in porn, where they can turn off the camera and let the guy wash without you knowing. Or not, I dunno. But I don't think it's standard practice.

And you can insist on condoms for anal sex--that's recommended anyway. So, between the condoms and washing, I would think that issue would be taken care of.

But even if you still don't like the idea of anal sex, this really doesn't mean you aren't gay. Sexual orientation is not really so much about what you want to do as who you want to do it with.

 

Well, sort of. (Disclaimer: don't yell at me if I get something wrong here) There are people within official, institutional Buddhism that think homosexuality violates certain precepts, like "right/just" sexual activity. But they're nowhere NEAR as vitriolic about it as leaders of other religions, in fact it's more an intellectual debate than anything. Pretty much everyone agrees that the question of what is "right" for any given behavior is an open debate. So as a whole, they're one of the most welcoming religions, yes.

Glad to see you're finding help here, too

 

I know hw you feel.

I'm also just finding myself, and also don't think anal sounds fun. One thing I learned from EC is that just because you're gay doesn't mean you HAVE to have anal sex (or any other kind of sex for that matter). Says who? Since when?

Like you, I am really friendly towards girls, but see nothing sexual in them. That's fine too - but remember, just being gay doesn't mean you HAVE to like or dislike girls in any way.

In short, being gay simply means being attracted to the same sex. That's the only thing you MUST be to be gay. Other than that, "There are as many ways to be gay, as there are gay people." - FIT.

 

Buddhist are OK with sexuality in general, as it's part of being human. However, the labels (and whom you choose to have sex with) are essentially moot. It's more about the intent and consequence in the mindset and deed that matters. I'm certainly not close to an authority on it, but yeah - Buddhists are cool with homosexuality.

To clarify Gravity's comment (not yelling :icon_wink) with my own flawed understanding, the perception that homosexuality is seen as a no-no in monastic buddhism stems from the fact that ordained monks (especially Vajrayanan and Theravadin traditions) lived/live in same-sex communities... and have undertaken vows to abstain from sexual activities. So the extra emphasis on no homosexual activity is more of a way of underlining the fact getting off with another guy (whether you're gay or just really fricken horny) is still an action that breaks that precept, and very easily distracts from the monk's purpose of, well, being a monk. (of course, cultural 'brainwashing' against homosexuality does still play a part, even in some Buddhist cultures)


Aaanyway, lecture aside, I can get where you're coming from about the anal-to-oral thing, Kelly. I've used a chocolate-flavoured condom for straight-lace vaginal sex, and it looked disturbingly... brown. There is that perception of anal sex being "dirty" to deal with

 

EXPERIMENT with a guy lol.

 

^ And after you're done measuring his gross and fine motor skills, assess his lung capacity and cardiovascular fitness?