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Mother...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Revan, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. Revan

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    Anyone have any tips on dealing with a mother who says my coming out imploded the family?

    Background: My aunt and mother have always had a slightly tense relationship, arguing over money, etc. And mom would defend me when my aunt and cousin would sometimes pick on me a bit. When I finally came out, and told her said aunt and cousin knew she wasn't happy. And then my aunt and cousin decided to start telling my mother that I was sexually active, that I had been always lying to mom, etc, etc. And so that of course made me too kinda cut them off from my life, but my mom basically has said I imploded the family without really explaining how. But frankly I'm just mad because it's like, no I didn't do jack shit to implode this family, it's allllll been my mother thank you very much. She caused alienation with my step-siblings (though frankly they're being immature brats themselves), she doesn't like my boyfriend's appearance and is constantly on me about asking him to get his teeth fixed and it's like THAT IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! It's just it seems like rather than her looking inside her and not getting angry at everything, she destroys all she touches. And my step-father doesn't help, he now hasn't gotten to see his grandson or granddaughters nor his newest grandson just born this month not just because they live in Ottawa, the other in St. Thomas in ontario, and the third in Alberta while my parents are in Windsor (i hope it's okay to say names) but still, my sibling T and his wife T (yes they have the same first letter) weren't including my parents in their life while they were with his biological mother, they had photos of her in their home but not my mom or his dad/my step-dad, nor were they ever invited to T&T's house for a dinner yet the mother was. So like I said, Mom has every right to be mad but cutting them off, no wonder they don't talk to my parents anymore.

    so please excuse me for "yelling" this everyone but

    WHY AM I THE MATURE ONE IN THIS FAMILY? WHY IS IT EVERYONE WHO IS OLDER THAN ME BEING IM THE OLDEST, ACTING LIKE THEY'RE KIDS?!

    So yeah I may not understand every aspect, but I sure as hell feel like I'm the one who is the oldest in this situation....
     
    #1 Revan, Nov 28, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2011
  2. Lexington

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    If you truly want to be the mature one in this family, here's what you need to say to yourself.

    "I'm 23. My mother apparently loves drama, and likes sucking other people into it. My sibling seems to have simply cut contact, and chances are his life is a lot happier and stress-free. It's time I started giving serious thought to doing the same."

    Lex
     
  3. DhammaGamer

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    What Lex said, for REAL. Your mom sounds like a B****.
     
  4. kellymporta

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    :eusa_clap Honestly, I think that's the best answer you will get. It's short, simple, true, and mature.:eusa_clap
     
  5. Mirko

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    Hi there! Not to sound like a broken record but: what Lex said! :slight_smile:

    Given what you have said, not just on this thread but also on your previous threads, and if you are the mature 23 year old in your family, why do you still live with your mom then? Time to move out. If you don't have a job yet, get a job, and move out!
     
  6. Aielar

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    What they said, there's nothing else I can add to the conversation.
     
  7. Revan

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    Well first off please don't call my mother a b**ch. She can be one sometimes but I do still love her. When she's not being dramatic, she is an extremely caring woman, hell even though yes of course it can be seen as pestering and such but she calls on a daily basis and I to be honest look forward to hearing from her because our relationship is quite close so cutting off is somewhat a frustrating and somewhat scary idea to be honest. As for a job, I understand what you're saying, and I know one should have a job to support oneself, but it's kind of difficult for me to find a job where I don't want to shoot myself in the head every day I have to go in. I realize others feel this way, and suck it up and go in anyway...sadly I can't seem to get the idea hammered into my mind that a job is just to pay the bills, like it or not it's something we all must do. Biggest thing I notice though is me and customer service, while I'm a people person, do not go well together because I can't stand whiny people bitching at me about their orders or watches. I always seem to be fine when handling management or other co-workers, but customers frankly drive me up the wall. I know this is getting off topic, I'm more just saying in response to you Mirko saying to get a job, it's easier said than done both because I'm now picky about what job to work (which isn't something one should be in this economy), and two, in this economy finding jobs in customer service alone seem impossible these days...so how am I to find one in like administration/office which often have way fewer opportunities compared to customer service?

    But back to the mother thing, she creates drama, and unfortunately then acts sometimes like the victim because with her fibromyalgia sometimes she just can't handle all the stress. But frankly I am starting to get to the point of being very frustrated with her always putting blame on me....especially since guys, I'm actually moved out now but am moving back with her in Windsor next year because I plan to go to school there...and it's a lot cheaper and would allow me to save money again than I am now. Though frankly I'm just getting tired of the whole thing, I mean honestly, I don't know if I'll even like journalism, I'm not sure if I've done something my mother didn't want me to do. I mean frankly she's changed her mind fifty times about what I should do after undergrad...first she agreed with me for once about acting, then its like oh you could be really good at public relations, but now it's what about journalism? you love writing! And you do want to be in front of the camera and that would give you the chance. But through it all, even through the musical this year with the most annoying director (only because he does not like me and treats me like shit half the time) I still have an insatiable love of acting. I mean hell, in this musical there's a part where I'm to get slapped, and since the stage slaps were not working and nor would they really look realistic, I finally just said "JUST SLAP ME ALREADY" because honestly if I want to ever be a professional actor, I kind of do need to be professional and that includes allowing someone to slap me to make the slap look real. Hell Cory Monteith (Glee) didn't even know it, but Naya slapped him and it was real so I'm like, meh why not. But yeah I know this whole post has been a slight clusterf**k but I'm just getting so much venting and frustration out, my words are just basically everything I'm thinking right now...take of it what you will.
     
  8. Lexington

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  9. Mirko

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    Hi there! I am at work, so let me make this quick!

    I think you need to start separating "I do still love [my mom] and she can be an extremely caring women" from what is happening. If you go back to all of your posts/threads that you have created, how many of them are about the troubles with your mom? How many of them are about you having major differences and arguments with your mom?

    In your response, you repeated it again, "she creates drama and unfortunately then acts sometimes like the victim..." and "But frankly I am starting to get to the point of being very frustrated with her always putting blame on me." You are going back to the same issue and theme that is coming up in all of your threads/posts when you talk about your mom.

    When do you say to yourself: this has to stop.

    I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but let me give you a reality check on your job search. If you start your job search with what you can't stand or can't tolerate, you will never ever find a job that you will be able to do, because no matter how capable you are for a job, you have already set yourself a barrier that will prevent you from seeing beyond the doom and gloom of things that you don't like doing or feel you can not tolerate. How are you going to find a job like that? Go in with an open mind, seriously!

    Forget the economy. Reality is that even in bad economic times, people will find employment, and yes even in the administrative field or fields that they want to be in. If you have the skills for it, and know how to advertise yourself, you will find a job in the administrative field. If you want to find a job in the administrative field, start with all temp agencies in London. Submit an application, talk to them. If you are willing to put in the effort, and treat your job search like a full-time job and do what you need to do to get that job, you will get that job! Trust me on this!
     
  10. Chip

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    Here's the situation as I assess it from what you've described.

    It sounds like you might have an extremely enmeshed, unhealthy, codependent relationship with your mom. There seem to be few, if any healthy boundaries in the relationship; she enables you by allowing you to sit at home with no job and not setting boundaries such as "You can't stay here more than another month unless you get a job" which is what an emotionally healthy parent would do.

    You seem to be refusing to get a job because you don't like working low-level customer service, and it's apparently never occurred to you to seek out a low-level job that doesn't involve customer service, such as working in a warehouse, janitorial work, night security guard, dishwasher/busser in a restaurant, data entry clerk, or any of dozens of other jobs that would not require regular customer interaction.

    Your mother is obviously really frustrated with your lack of any motivation to work, feels out of control because she can't get you to be productive, and is likely taking out that frustration by seeking inappropriate control, such as telling you how she disapproves of your boyfriend.

    And you don't seem interested in taking any of the advice offered that would help you resolve the situation, because that would require taking responsibility on your own part to support yourself at age 23.

    Sorry if that seems harsh -- it's not intended to be -- but really, what you're describing is almost entirely solvable by you, without any interaction or agreement from your mom, if you will simply find yourself a job, set appropriate boundaries with your mom, and work to establish a healthy relationship.

    Once you start doing that, your whole outlook and life will change. But until you do, it's unlikely you'll see any meaningful change or improvement in anything.
     
  11. Revan

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    Errr perhaps I should also mention chip she's not frustrated with my lack of motivation to work...cause erm...she kinda thinks I'm still working at the job at Sears I quit back in September...so yeah I would just like to make that point...as horrible as that is...as for the thing you mentioned about low-level I just want to say I kinda didn't like u saying low-level just cause it makes it sound like your saying I don't want to work low-level...I know u have start from the bottom up, I know that might not have been your point Chip but I just wanted to clarify that. Also um ill continue this post later. Doing this on a phone is honestly kinda difficult lol
     
  12. Revan

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    Now going back to what I was saying, the reason I'm finding difficulty with jobs is I get overly stressed about things, and while I could be wrong, my Asperger's doesn't let me see past certain things. My mind often works in a concrete manner, if I start hating a job, unfortunately that's it for me, I can't get off the idea that, this job isn't for me I hate it, it makes me physically ill, so I guess quitting is what i need to do. I know it's not a good mindset, I get that, I get that I need a job, but sometimes it's harder to try and think "oh I can get by this and just keep pushing through" than it is of course to just say "I quit". My counsellor is trying to get me off this but the fact is, unless I like the job just a bit, I will eventually quit just out of sheer frustration. McDonald's I left after a year and a half, Boston Pizza 8 months, Sears only 5, but my personal support worker job (job not career, it's with an organization that has workers help people without needing the degree in PSW work) I stayed at for four years until I had to quit simply because my parents were moving to Windsor which in turn was kinda more or less going to keep me from helping the young man I worked with since he'd be in St .t, I'd be in London, and I have no car...so yeah. As you see jobs that I enjoy, yup I stay at, but jobs where I'm like this sucks as all get out, I leave....
     
  13. Mirko

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    Hi there! Okay.... number one, keep working with your counselor on getting off the mindset.

    Reading your last post, maybe if someone would support you in your job search, you might be able to find something that you like, even if it is just a little bit, but enough for you to stay with it for a while.

    So, number two, if you want, and here is my offer, I can help you in finding a job in London, and even Windsor, if it comes to that. If you want, PM me a list of your skills, experiences and some ideas as to what kind of job you would think you could start doing and stay in. Now, for the last part, I would like you to concentrate on entry level positions/jobs.

    Give it a thought. If you feel that you would like to give it a try, send me a PM. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Revan

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    Okay Mirko, I'll let you know. Please note, and I hope you won't be disappointed in me but I'm going to wait till January, I say this because my parents and I (I know, I know) are going to Florida from Dec 24-Jan 5 for the holidays and well I could be wrong of course but since the flight's booked and everything I think it might be wise just to hold off just for now so that I don't start a job, they ask me to work during the holidays (though I dunno it may be different than say in customer service where Christmas is busiest time of year) and I say I'm going to Florida it may not be the...well...the best thing for them or I, and with my musical production first week back (6-14th of Jan) obviously there's that. After that though, pretty sure no conflicts side from school would be coming up. So yeah I dunno if that's okay, let me know your thoughts on my thought process.
     
  15. Mirko

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    That's totally fine with me. :slight_smile:

    I would agree that waiting until you can actually commit to a job would be good, unless you can change your holiday plans and can work in between the holidays. As you know, for most entry level positions, you will be expected to work in between the holidays as well. It would be important to be able to convey to a potential employer that you can work and fulfill the employer's expectations.

    In the meantime, you can still start the process of looking around and informing yourself on what's out there, so that when you come back and have the production behind you, you can start hitting the ground.

    So, whenever you feel ready to get your search started in earnest, let me know.
     
  16. Revan

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    Oh yeah for sure. But in regards to it, like I said, I'm booked for the most part from the 24th to the 14... I realize this is a bit much, but basically come the 6th rehearsals are like 8-12 hours leaving very little time where one can work and I just don't want to be irresponsible if I were to get a job and then like be all "can I have 22 days off?" yeah I don't think asking for almost a month off would really cut it....
     
  17. Revan

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    Hrm sorry to be bringing this back up guys but the bf made what I would consider a rather good point...it's somewhat a simple way of putting it but regardless, he thinks the biggest issue I have is that I have an addiction to communication with my mother and that's why I back off so often when she confronts me. I don't want to risk losing her communication with me. The calls during the day/night, her texting to make sure I'm okay, etc. He actually thinks the biggest concern of my coming out to her was somewhat about accepting me, but it was more me worrying about if she'd ever talk to me. Yes addiction is a strong word, I mean it's not alcoholism or drug addiction, but it still is that if i don't hear my mother, I'll sometimes get all "crap why hasn't she called? :S" so it is kind of a really good point....
     
  18. Revan

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    Any thoughts guys?