So I've decided to throw my own mental white flag and declare a truce with my same-sex attractions. It's obviously being a pain in the ass and does not plan on going anywhere. I've already spent a year trying to fix, alter, and repress it and I don't feel like wasting any more time. While I'm not sure that I'm 100% gay, my sexual attractions towards guys aren't as strong or as automatic as my sexual attractions towards girls. So the distinction of whether or not I'm a bisexual who leans towards girls or just gay kinda feels like the same thing to me so as far as labels go, I'm just going to go with I'm a lesbian. With that being said, I'm now trying to work on allowing myself to have these feelings and sort of allow myself to feel "gay". What I mean is that I would like to be able to look at a girl and be like ok she's attractive without either repressing these feelings afterwards or feeling like I need to hide under my covers and cry because I'm a terrible person. Does anyone have any idea how I can do this? I mean I've never even had crushes on people (neither male or female) because I'm so repressed, repression is clearly instinctual for me.Now that I'm no longer trying to fight it, how do I get rid of the guilt and stop myself from trying to "feel" so to speak? Granted, it'll be hard since I live at home, but surely there is a way for me to feel more comfortable with my sexuality while not being out to my parents and living in such a gay hating environment right?
Like anything else, practice makes perfect. So just keep doing it. I would think it would help if you had someone in real life that you could confide in and talk to about it. Another lesbian would be ideal. Someone you could go to the movies with and check out other girls together. A 'positive role model' of sorts. Just hang out here too. We're a positive influence too I think. There's nothing wrong with me as far as I'm concerned. But it took time for me to feel that way. It was the positive influence of others that helped me get here.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told someone else that asked this recently....you should really immerse yourself in LGBT culture for a while. Read LGBT novels, watch gay-themed movies, go to a gay bar or your school's GSA. Get out there and explore and then you'll see and feel first hand the difference. Go to Logo's website and watch some of the movies they have. Go to Amazon and find a lesbian novel that looks interesting. Jim is right, you just need role models and some time. You'll get there eventually.
