Just a small disclaimer, my boyfriend doesn't have a drinking problem and I just need advice on how to be in a drinker / non-drinker relationship. Okay so my boyfriend has decided that he wants to try drinking and going out to bars with his friends. When I first met him I thought we were both clear that we didn't do that stuff or have any desire to. However, he now wants to drink socially with friends and it's really hard for me to deal with. My mother was an alcoholic when I was a child and I've seen the really bad parts to drinking. Needless to say, I don't drink and I don't really like people who drink, especially when they're drunk. My boyfriend has gone out to bars a couple times and has been drunk twice. I find this extremely hard to deal with because I'm just completely turned off by him being drunk and I just think he's so much better than the average college kid. So things have been pretty stressful since I can't deal with this very well since I get upset a lot, and I can't really accept what he wants. He doesn't do anything stupid when he's drunk, either, like cheat on me or do something illegal or dangerous. He just says he wants to have a good time with his friends. But every time I think about him going out and getting drunk, I just get really upset and angry because I think he's being pathetic, etc. and I just wish he didn't have to turn to alcohol to have a good time with his friends. I know things could be much worse, he could be a completely different person when he's drunk or do really stupid stuff, or even be an alcoholic. I guess for now I just need advice on how to deal with this situation, because I honestly think it's ruining our relationship. We both have different opinions on the matter and talking to him doesn't resolve anything since neither of us will budge. I've told him how I've felt about the situation a million times and he thinks I'm over reacting. Whether I am or not, I just need advice on how to cope. Should I not talk to him the entire night when he goes out and drinks? I've thought about doing that but he doesn't like that idea at all. I'm just not sure what else to do at this point...and I'm concerned I may never be okay with this... :dry: :bang:
First off, no giving the silent treatment, that would just hurt the both of you more. I was going to say talk to him but clearly this isn't working with him....I really am not sure what to say here so hopefully others have better advice, all I can say though is no to the silent treatment. The silent treatment is just something people do when they don't know what else to do and they think it's proving a point but really it's A. making one look stupid and immature, and B. often hurts the relationship
...while you are apparently just supposed to "suck it up" when he does something you don't like? Sounds like he wants the benefits of doing whatever he wants wihout having to deal with the results. Just to be clear, though: if you bring that up with him, you don't want to make it sound like some sort of punishment. You don't even need to be adversarial in any way. Just state, as clearly as possible, that the experiences you had with your mother really hurt, and even scarred you. that it's impossible for you not to get triggered into reliving those emotions when he's coming home drunk. That you can't just "turn off" those scars at will. And that, for the sake of both your sanity and to avoid slowly poisoning your feelings for him, you can't allow yourself to willingly keep reliving those memories over and over again. So that you don't want to see him on nights when he goes out drinking. On your end, this would probably mean that you disqualify yourself from bringing it up when he isn't planning to go (or coming back from) a bar, though, so it'sup to you if you can live iwth this kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Or at least, that's how I do it. The setup I have with my friends works pretty well. Basically, when I was younger, my uncle went through a bad phase of alcoholicism. While I wasn't there first-hand for most of it, I do remember that having him around was never a relaxing experience. It caused him to act like an ass, caused the rest of the family to bicker and argue (scenes like these were the only time I ever saw my dad angry), and to make me feel like I'd rather go live in a cave. So these days, my friends know full well that I take a dim view of drinking (though not to the point of avoiding it alltogether. I do believe that it is possible to responsibly drink a little bit of alcohol every now and again). I have no problem going out to a bar with them. I'll even drink a single glass of alcohol. Maybe two if it's light beer. But there it stops. I'll never drink more than two under any circumstance. Everyone has a different alcohol tolerance, but for me that's way before it starts to affect me. And if I see any of them get symptoms of drunkenness, I politely but decidedly say I had my amount of fun out of the evening and head for home. No hard feelings, and I'll gleefully talk to them again a day or two later, but they know they can be sober with me, or drunk without me. And most of them do seem to appreciate that enough to take it into consideration.
I completely understand your situation because I've been where you are. The first thing is communication. You entered into the relationship with the clear understanding that you didn't want to be with someone who drinks, because of your previous history. Your boyfriend apparently agreed to that. It sounds like your boyfriend unilaterally changed the rules and either didn't consult you beforehand, or was unwilling to listen to your concerns. So one thought I have is to have a very calm conversation with him and say that, although you realize you're overly sensitive, given the history you have with your mom, it is really, really upsetting to you when he goes out and drinks, and perhaps he doesn't understand how really upsetting it is. And then ask how he feels about doing something that is really upsetting to you, and (assuming you explained when the relationship started why it was important he didn't drink) why it's now so important to him that he do something that is really upsetting to you. The second thing I'd suggest is getting some counseling about your own issue with alcohol. I think what happens when a child of an alcoholic grows up and sees someone they care about drinking is a deep, irrational fear that this current event will equal what happened in the past. And with therapy, you can learn to address that deep fear and make it less of a problem for you. But at the same time, you also have the absolute right to not be put into a position that makes you unhappy and stressed out, particularly when you've set that as a ground rule at the beginning of the relationship. And if your boyfriend isn't able to understand that, then there's a really serious problem with the relationship. It's possible you could make a compromise -- that he will go out twice a month or whatever, and on those days, you'll go somewhere else and do something else so you're distracted and not thinking about it -- but that is often hard for children of alcoholics because of the history they have. At the end of the day, what he's doing isn't uncommon and I can see why he wants to go out and do that. But he also has to decide how important that activity is in comparison to his relationship. If he highly values you and the relationship, and realizes how much this upsets you, he should be willing to forego it. If he isn't, then, to me at least, it raises serious concerns about how important the relationship is to him.
Hey, i found this while trying to find an answer my self. It's good to know that i am not the only one. This has helped me a lot too. I don't have a bad past with alcohol, just a few bad relationships involving it. I guess that's why i don't like my boyfriend drinking... It's really hard to deal with and even when i talk to him he either makes excuses or says he doesn't drink a lot... I don't think he realises how much he drinks compared to the average person.
Well first, many people with drinking problems are in total denial that they have a problem. He may have convinced himself it isn't an issue, and rationalized it one way or another. This is very common, and if it continues to stay the same or escalate, it becomes even harder to break past the denial. But the other concerning issue here is that you seem to have a repeating pattern of finding yourself in relationships with guys who have drinking problems. And that tends to point, in some way, to you having some responsibility... in other words, at some level, you're either attracted to, or attracting, people with this pattern. Perhaps there's a self esteem issue, or perhaps something in your family or upbringing is unconsciously making you seek out connections with people that have this tendency. It might be worth exploring with a therapist, or going to an Al-Anon meeting (Al-Anon is the group for families of alcoholics, and even if you aren't in that category, it could be really useful for you to talk to the others there and see if there are any patterns you recognize in your own beliefs/behavior. Hope that helps!
