Hey guys. Its been a while since i posted here. I thought i was over-saturating myself with reading and fixating over things to much so i decided to take a break -- which did not help to clear my mind at all. Basically I feel stuck. I know I am physiologically gay (meaning I am turned on by men) but at a mental/emotional level I feel much more attracted to women and not to men. I am fully aware that this makes me gay .. my question is has anyone felt this and overcome it? In my mind, i just connect with girls better. I find it more romantic and easy to flirt with them. I want to cuddle with them. Talk to them, confide in them, etc. However, I do not feel this way with a man. On the other hand, i do not feel much (if any) sexual attraction to women. I was hoping for some advice on how to overcome this barrier. I have seen people advise others in similar situations to get more involved in the gay community, watch movies, etc? I am worried that i will be so completely turned off/shut off if I do this and then I will be back at square one. Also, if anyone has any recommendations for movies or books that helped them that would be huge. Thanks all for listening. Hope you are all well.
There are people who believe that romantic orientation and sexual orientation are, at best, related rather than identical. It is possible that you are homosexual and heteroromantic. That said, I think a number of bi- and homoromantic men go through a phase of finding guys sexually but not romantically attractive (this may be the same for women, but I'm not sure). There are two reasons I think this happens. The first is that girls are socialized to be nicer, more open people than boys are. Girls are taught to be kind, boys are taught to be tough. This isn't universal, but in general socialization makes most girls and women a lot easier to open up to than boys and men. The second is that we live in a heteronormative environment. This means that we're constantly being told that women are the only acceptable romantic partners, and that men are incapable of relating to each other romantically. So we notice our feelings for women more than our feelings for men, because we've been taught that our feelings for men can't exist. Since sexual attraction is usually more widespread than romantic attraction, it's harder to be socialized into not noticing our sexual feelings.
I have to agree with Liam. I should also say that I have been through this while transititioning into/accepting my homosexuality the EXACT same way you described it. I had zero sexual attraction to women but I didn't want a relationship with a man. I did overcome it and now I am happy with that fact that I am queer. But everyone is different and our interests are definately subject to change in the future.
Pretty much what Liam said. I was in a similar position as you when I first started coming out and accepting myself. When I first came out I pretty much told people "Look, I like guys but only in a sexual way. I don't want hug them, kiss them or hold their hand" and it was true. I was actually pretty repulsed by the idea of kissing a guy. It was just something that I didn't want to do back then. With time, and after finding my first boyfriend, I started to discover all the feelings that I wasn't aware of. Granted it wasn't a fast thing or an easy thing (at the end it was one of the reasons why my first relationship had to end), but I was able to get through it and most importantly I enjoyed it. All I can say is that it takes time and life experience to "get over it" and allow yourself to make that connection. Its not something you can read about and then apply it. Its really something that you have to go out there and live it for yourself, as scary as that is. My advice is to do something about it even if you don't know where or how to start. You can fix mistakes if you make any, but that's easier that trying to overthink our problems. I speak from experience
I'll be the 4th to side with Liam here. Society has taught you that homosexuality isn't normal and doesn't really exist - mainly because homosexuality isn't really out in the open in our society (e.g. most popular TV shows don't have gay characters), and we are bombarded with the idea we must like women and all that stuff. As you find yourself coming out and becoming more comfortable with yourself, you'll find that you are able to think of relationships with men both romantically and sexually. I'll use my example of porn. 12 months ago (when I was first out), if someone asked if I watched gay porn, I'd hesitate, and say no. Now, I wouldn't. The difference? I'm comfortable with myself a lot more than I was this time 12 months ago. You could also find this a problem if you have female friends and are quite close to them, and it is quite possible that you could be biromantic (i.e. capability to be romantic towards both genders).
